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“Coercive control” is the term for a diabolical relationship pattern that can have devastating consequences. It occurs when one person unreasonably interferes with another person’s free will and liberty (Pisarra, 2022). The seriousness of coercive control is being increasingly acknowledged, and in some places, it is now a criminal offence.
As heinous as coercive control is, the dynamics of controlling may be key to understanding what is occurring. Since the 1960s, control science explained by Perceptual Control Theory (PCT) (Powers, 2005), has been a growing field of research and practice with applications in areas such as neuroscience, mental health, human development, education, and business. PCT recognizes control as a fact of nature in the same way that gravity and magnetism are facts of nature (Powers, 2008).
From a PCT perspective, control is not domination. In fact, domination interferes with control, at least for those who are dominated. In PCT-land, control is also not about blame or responsibility. Control is simply the defining feature of living.
Controlling is making things be the way you want. It involves monitoring what is going on; comparing that to what you want to be going on; and acting to make is and want as close as possible (Powers, 1998). Every living thing controls. If a single cell can’t control the conditions inside its membrane despite changing conditions outside its membrane, it will perish.
To live is to control. Glow worms control, bull ants control, frilled-neck lizards control, and spade-toothed whales control. We are designed to control. That’s why coercive control is so despicably unreasonable: one controller is preventing another controller from controlling as they wish.
Control is always individual. Even when we work together on a project, I have my perspective and you have yours. I’m controlling what’s important to me and you’re controlling what’s important to you.
Sometimes, what’s important to someone is the behavior of someone else. But trying to control someone else will, sooner or later, interfere with their controlling.
The horribleness of coercive control comes about because the coercive controller deliberately prevents the coercively controlled from having things the way they want. We know they’re being prevented from getting what they want because, if they weren’t, there wouldn’t be any need for coercion. No one wants to be coercively controlled.
The core of coercion is making people act according to your wishes and not theirs. It is the requirement to act according to someone else’s demands that removes a person’s freedom. In fact, freedom could be defined as “being in control” (Marken & Carey, 2015). Freedom is doing what you want. But when people are coercively controlled, they are forced to do what someone else wants.
Actually, something very much like coercive control happens a lot. Dog owners, for example, often put their dogs on leashes. The entire purpose of the leash is to make the dog walk where the owner wants and not where the dog wants. And people keep their gorgeous Gouldian finches in cages because they don’t want the finches to be the ones to decide where they will fly and feed and nest. Finch owners want the finches to be where they want, not where the finches want.
But while it’s reasonable to keep dogs on leashes and birds in cages, it is not reasonable to keep people on leashes or in cages. PCT spells out that social living will only be harmonious when people are able to get what they want without preventing others from getting what they want.
Because it is our nature to control, problems occur when we lose control. It’s a bit like preventing someone from breathing or from rugging up when the temperature plummets. In general, there are three ways we can lose control: overwhelming forces; ignorance; and internal conflict (Marken & Carey, 2015).
We will lose control when there are overwhelming forces in the environment. Bushfires and tornadoes are disastrous events that prevent us from getting what we want. Ignorance also prevents us from controlling. Visiting a bathroom that has ways of making soap and water appear that you’ve never seen before can prevent you from washing your hands until you figure out what needs to happen. Internal conflict is an especially common situation that prevents controlling. Wanting to pursue a successful career and also wanting to build strong family relationships can, at times, pull a person in opposite directions.
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Understanding control helps remove coercive controlling by addressing what is creating it from the perspective of the person being coerced. For people who are coerced through overwhelming force rather than ignorance, educating them about laws, resources, and available support is not likely to be the help they need. Or, for people who want to get away from a coercive controller but also want to maintain contact with their children and keep them safe (Harman & Kruk, 2022), information about helplines and shelters might not resolve their conflict.
Being alive means controlling. Coercive control retards controlling. A better understanding of what control is and how it works will help everyone live the life they want. Harmony and contentment will be far more widespread when we celebrate and honor the controlling nature we all share.
