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I wanted everything to be perfect for my daughter’s first Christmas. Despite barely sleeping and having just returned to my high-stress job, I thought it would be a good idea to host both sets of out-of-town grandparents and my brothers-in-law at my house. It also seemed like a good idea to make Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas morning brunch, and Christmas Day appetizers, dinner, and dessert, while refusing all offers for help.
Looking back, this wasn’t festive cheer. It was the perfect personality recipe for holiday burnout: high conscientiousness and high agreeableness, with a dash of neuroticism.
If you tend to overcommit your way through December, you’re in good company. I see the same thing with my clients every year. The qualities that make us reliable, thoughtful, and generous the rest of the year become the reason we burn out in December.
Let’s take a closer look at the traits that predispose us to burnout, why they seem worse at the holidays, and how to take advantage of personality science to actually enjoy the season this year.
The “Trait Cocktail” Behind Holiday Burnout
Most personality psychologists agree that the best way to understand yourself is to know where you fall on the Big Five personality traits: neuroticism, extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and openness. You can think of your Big Five personality traits like sliders on a soundboard, each one set at its own level, creating the unique “mix” that makes you you.
Higher levels of three of these traits are particularly relevant for burnout, holiday or otherwise.
Agreeableness is your tendency to prioritize harmony, cooperation, and other people’s feelings. Highly agreeable people are generous with their time, sensitive to others’ needs, and quick to smooth over conflict. Sounds great, right?
However, at very high levels, agreeableness can slip into self-sacrifice such that you put others’ needs so far above your own that you disappear from the equation. During the holidays, this can look like saying yes to every request or overextending yourself so no one feels put out.
Conscientiousness reflects how organized, responsible, and goal-oriented you are. People high in conscientiousness are the planners and list-makers. They’re the ones who remember hostess gifts and keep track of all parties and school events. Being conscientious is a huge asset, until it starts to look like rigid perfectionism.
Like agreeableness, conscientiousness can lead us to overcommit during the holidays—but it shows up differently. Conscientious overcommitment looks like creating detailed itineraries for visiting relatives, cooking elaborate meals from scratch, obsessively cleaning, and insisting on doing everything “the right way.” If agreeableness says “don’t upset anyone,” conscientiousness says “don’t drop a single ball.” Exhausted yet?
Neuroticism refers to your sensitivity to stress. People higher in neuroticism often experience strong emotional reactions and spend time anticipating possible problems.
The holidays are inherently stressful due to disrupted routines, travel logistics, old family dynamics resurfacing, and the pressure to “make it magical.” People higher in neuroticism simply are going to feel the effects of this stress more viscerally.
The trifecta. You might be high in one of these traits, two of them, or the whole trio. In any combination, they can make December feel heavier. High agreeableness pulls you toward smoothing conflict, high conscientiousness pushes you toward perfection, and high neuroticism amplifies all the emotions in the background.
How to Adjust Your Trait Settings During December
One of the biggest misconceptions about personality is that it’s fixed. But decades of research show the opposite; traits naturally shift as we age (Roberts et al., 2006), and we can actually nudge them intentionally by making small changes to our patterns of thinking and behavior (Hudson & Fraley, 2015). Even if the holidays try to increase the volume on, you’re not stuck with those settings. Here’s how to take back control of your Big Five soundboard:
Personality Essential Reads
1. Challenge the beliefs that keep old patterns alive.
Holiday pressure often activates thoughts that keep us stuck overcommitting. For example, have you ever told yourself “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done right,” or “They’ll be disappointed if I say no.”
Try swapping these automatic thoughts for more balanced ones like “People enjoy me more when I’m not exhausted,” “Sharing responsibility makes the day better for everyone,” or “I don’t have to perform to be valued.”
2. Practice tiny behavioral shifts that bring you closer to your aspirational self.
Traits change through repetition, not willpower. You adjust a slider by acting like the person you’re working on becoming, one small shift at a time.
If you’re high in agreeableness, this might look like pausing before automatically agreeing to take something on. For those high in conscientiousness, you could choose to lower your standards for just one holiday task; maybe you bring a store-bought dessert to a party or let your partner take care of the stocking stuffers. To combat high neuroticism, practice staying in the discomfort instead of escaping it. This could look like staying put when an aunt makes a loaded comment, responding briefly rather than shutting down, or lingering in the room instead of fleeing to check the potatoes.
3. Repetition Is the Engine of Personality Change
The holidays are the ultimate stress test. Old patterns feel easier because you’ve practiced them for years. But every time you choose the new behavior, you’re reinforcing the personality you’re growing into instead of the one that reliably brings you burnout.
My Own Holiday Shift—and the Science Behind It
How do I know this works? Because I’m not the woman who hosted six meals in 48 hours with a 6-month-old anymore. That shift didn’t happen by accident. I gradually changed the beliefs and behaviors driving my holiday burnout, and slowly nudging my traits lower. I also teach these same strategies as part of my work developing evidence-based tools for intentional personality change.
