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Perfectionism often entails a battle with the universe. Much of the perfectionist’s resentment toward others can be thought of as a resentment toward life. Some perfectionists have autism, while others may meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personalities. Many of them have obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Unfortunately, the world often isn’t accommodating. It’s a trope that narcissistically-structured people resent others for not admiring their genius. Even with an increased awareness of autism spectrum disorder, autistic people frequently feel judged and/or misunderstood. And compulsive tendencies are still dismissed with comments like, “Why can’t you just stop?”
At the heart of perfectionism, whether right or wrong, is a sense of order or justice. While many of these individuals present with the appearance of moral superiority, many also attempt to apply the notion of fairness across the board, exhibiting deep empathy for others. Perfectionists can be incredibly self-centered and stubborn, yet their fixation on rules also makes them, at least at times, moral leaders. However, while their insistence on rule-following is commendable, they also tend to go too far. Other-oriented perfectionism highlights an inability to tolerate disappointment from others, especially when something feels owed. On the one hand, it’s easy to dismiss perfectionists as entitled; but, on the other, it’s unfair to solely blame them for their needs.
Their sensitivities tend to mean high expectations, so they may expect others to always acknowledge how much they’re struggling, assuming they easily can. So, when upset, they tend to lash out, feeling justified in their punishments. As the perfectionist yells at their partner, or reacts by crying, the conveyed message is along the lines of: “Can’t you see how much I’m struggling and just give me a break?” Yet, overlooked is the partner’s own limitations. As that individual, who may even also be neurodivergent, tries to cope with their own mental health struggles, they may be unable to aid the perfectionist. Thus, this leaves the perfectionist in a bind. Whom can they blame? Where should their anger go? What can they do if their partner, like them, is just a human?
Sometimes, it helps to acknowledge the inherent unfairness of having big needs while living in a world that can seldom accommodate. One can even reasonably consider much of their anger toward a partner is a form of emotional displacement; we can’t really be mad at God or some cosmic essence and expect results, but we can hold others accountable. There are obviously times when people are rude or inconsiderate, and yes, sometimes, even selfish. But I’m referring to the mismatch between one’s needs and the world’s general ability and/or willingness to meet them. In couples therapy, this reinterpretation, seeing one’s demands on another as unfair while validating their own needs, helps both individuals begin to search for alternative solutions to their chronic discord.
For example, if I’m overwhelmed, having just returned from a work trip, and so is my partner, having been home with our children while also working, we can consider how to make sure that all of our feelings are seriously considered. While this may seem obvious, again, other-oriented perfectionism entails high demands, largely based on the assumption of one’s contributions and the reality of their needs. Couples tend to play the blame-game, often even using therapy-speak to bludgeon their partners. “You’re a perfectionist, so of course you want too much from me!” “You’re gaslighting me when not acknowledging how much I do!” And on and on it goes. So, the perfectionist may begin by holding these two truths together: Your requests (considering your capabilities, contributions, and needs) are reasonable but your partner is often unable to honor them. In turn, the partner may try to better understand the perfectionist’s inner-world, inquiring about why the needs exist in the first place.
Additionally, the perfectionist can and should also try to understand why their partner is often unable to help them cope with their distress. One member of the couple may say things like, “Well, he/she/they can’t expect that.” It’s an unhelpful comment because whether they can or can’t, their need persists. You may resolve to end the relationship if you conclude it’s unsustainable but regardless of how the other individual addresses those needs, likely, they’ll still exist. While we want our patients to take more responsibility for their well-being, we also want to help them avoid taking on too much responsibility, by blaming themselves for emotional struggles they didn’t ask for. So, it’s best to avoid comments like the above one or labeling anything you dislike or disagree with as irrational; I promise that everything makes sense in one framework or another.
Ultimately, both parties have to address the question of, “Can’t you see how much I’m struggling?” Often, it even helps when the other partner just acknowledges how unfair it is that their mate is struggling with OCD, depression, or, yes, even narcissism. Sometimes, it even helps saying, “If I could, I would do anything to make you feel better.” But, it’s then the perfectionist’s responsibility to not invalidate that sort of comment, to not view it as an excuse. Deep down, the perfectionist’s beef is with nature and a less-than-considerate world. If anything, their partner usually cares much more the rest of the world does. But they have to see it.
