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Being on the receiving end of someone else’s perfectionism isn’t pleasant. It can leave us feeling inadequate and disconnected from others and ourselves, and increase our self-doubt. It also isn’t particularly enjoyable to hold ourselves to the impossibly high standards that perfectionism dictates. So why do some of us demand flawlessness and feel unable to settle for anything less? In some cases, narcissism may explain the relentlessly high expectations certain people have of others—and even, sometimes, of themselves.
Clarifying Narcissism
Narcissism is a frequently used (and misused) term in contemporary culture, so it’s worth a clear definition. As famed narcissism researcher and clinician Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains, narcissism is “an interpersonally maladaptive personality style” characterized by antagonism, entitlement, contemptuousness, a severe deficit in empathy, a need for dominance, egocentrism, grandiosity, emotion dysregulation (think: extremes of deep shame often covered up by rage and blame shifting), restlessness, and often the ability to charm or appear well put together.
We usually think of the grandiose narcissist when discussing this personality type: someone who is overtly arrogant and self-important, often wrapped up in fantasies of brilliance and success, quite charming at times but terribly vengeful in the face of perceived threats, unpredictable in how they will react (especially in intimate relationships), and embarrassingly entitled.
This isn’t the only kind of narcissist, however. There’s also the vulnerable narcissist, who may appear more shy, self-constrained, and hypervigilant (especially to insults) while displaying intense helplessness, shame, and inadequacy coupled with a fixed belief that they’re woefully under-recognized for their “specialness.” Vulnerable narcissists are oppositional and argumentative like grandiose narcissists, as Durvasula notes, but their antagonism often expresses itself more in weaponized incompetence and self-proclaimed victimhood than in-your-face bluster.
See also: the communal narcissist, who derives their grandiosity from how much they do for others, fashioning themselves as veritable saints and often going to great lengths to do ostensible good for others—while treating their romantic partners, family, or close colleagues with utter contempt behind the scenes and becoming incensed when they aren’t given the praise they demand or expect.
Understanding Perfectionism
Perfectionism can be broadly defined as a tendency to demand an excessively high level of performance or flawlessness, usually in excess of what a context calls for. It entails a hypercritical relationship with oneself or others and an overidentification with demanding standards. Like narcissism, perfectionism also comes in several flavors: Self-oriented perfectionism (pushing ourselves to meet exceedingly high standards), other-oriented perfectionism (pushing others to meet exceedingly high standards), and socially prescribed perfectionism (assuming others expect us to meet exceedingly high standards).
Perfectionism can be a means of regulating our self-esteem in the context of personal and professional relationships. But it often undermines our connectedness with others while making a negative dent in our physical and mental health. “Perfectionism is a personality trait robustly associated with both social problems and psychopathology,” writes Simon B. Sherry and colleagues. Not surprisingly, as Ellen Hendrickson notes in How to Be Enough, perfectionism tends to correlate with higher rates of depression, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic attacks, bipolar disorder, self-injury, social anxiety, sexual dysfunction, and migraines. Perfectionism has also been shown to raise the risk of suicide.
The Narcissism-Perfectionism Link
The different subtypes of perfectionism and narcissism are important in understanding how the traits and personality types can be interwoven.
According to a 2016 meta-analytic review by Martin M. Smith and colleagues, much research suggests that “grandiose narcissists strive toward lofty goals, impose unrealistic demands on others, and promote an image of perfection,” whereas “vulnerable narcissists actively promote an image of infallibility while defensively concealing imperfections in response to perceptions of others as demanding.” In other words, the grandiose narcissist tends toward other-oriented perfectionism while the vulnerable narcissist tends toward socially prescribed perfectionism. “This finding,” Smith et al. explain, “lends credence to longstanding theoretical accounts indicating grandiose narcissists harshly impose perfectionistic demands onto others while experiencing perpetual dissatisfaction with others’ perceived flaws.”
Smith et al. also note that some studies suggest an unexpected correlation between self-oriented perfectionism and narcissistic grandiosity. As they explain, “results indicate that self-oriented perfectionism is more than just an extreme need for achievement and may involve a willingness to exploit others in pursuit of status, power, dominance, and physical beauty.”
Narcissism Essential Reads
Does Being a Perfectionist Mean You’re Narcissistic?
Clearly, there’s a link between perfectionism and narcissism. But it would be incorrect to assume that perfectionism in and of itself is always indicative of narcissism. Keep in mind that narcissism is a term used to encapsulate an array of behaviors, not just one. In addition to perfectionism (whether other-, socially prescribed, or self-oriented), a person who is narcissistic is also typically antagonistic, entitled, exploitative of others and often transactional in relationships, manipulative, exceedingly focused on themselves with significant deficits in empathy, extremely sensitive to shame, and often emotionally dysregulated (particularly when shame is triggered). So, while perfectionism can be a facet of narcissism, it’s important to look for other clues in a person’s patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving before assuming they’re a narcissist.
Why Should We Care About the Link Between Perfectionism and Narcissism?
As the terms narcissism and perfectionism rise in popularity—”narcissism” has been listed among the most searched terms in America, and “perfectionist” has been rapidly trending upward in Google NGram searches since the early 2000s—it’s important to understand their relationship. When we see one, we could be more likely to see the other, which can help us better predict and understand the behavior of others, and even ourselves.
It can also help individuals harmed by others’ exceedingly high standards to reframe such standards as coming from a place of pathology—especially if those exceedingly high standards are paired with other qualities of a narcissistic personality style. By viewing perfectionistic demands as unreasonable and irrational, folks who are relentlessly subject to them can more readily reject the conclusion that they’re deficient for falling short of them (since no one could ever truly meet them, as they’re not based in reality). In seeing brutally perfectionistic expectations as a hallmark of someone else’s dysfunction, we can more easily not take those expectations personally.
Additionally, it may be important to self-examine whether our own perfectionism (toward others or toward ourselves) is coming from deeper personality factors that could be setting us up for a lot of distress. In so doing, we can seek more appropriate help for such issues, such as MBT (mentalization-based treatment) and transference-focused psychotherapies, as well as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which can be effective in treating certain personality concerns.
