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Lisa, a client in her mid-50s, came to me a few months after her divorce. She was furious—at her ex for leaving, at her friends for not choosing sides, and most of all at herself for “failing” in her marriage. Beneath all that anger was something more profound: resistance. She clung to the fantasy that if she just tried harder, maybe her ex would come back.
“I can’t accept this,” she said. “This isn’t how things were supposed to be. It’s not how I imagined my life.”
That disconnect—between what we want things to be and how they are—is where many of us get stuck. However, the truth is that accepting reality isn’t about giving up. It’s the first step toward building something new.
When we see resistance in others, the problem is easy to spot. Lisa’s marriage was over; the sooner she faced that, the better off she’d be.
But we all have places where we resist. When I talk about resistance, I don’t mean putting off cleaning out your closet or returning a text. I mean, pushing away a painful reality because facing it feels unbearable. That’s what makes us stuck. Resistance, according to Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism whereby a person’s opposition to painful thoughts, feelings, or memories can be effectively dissociated or compartmentalized from conscious thought.
But resistance doesn’t erase pain. It entrenches it. Picture trying to hold a beach ball underwater. The harder you press, the more unstable it becomes and the more energy it drains. Eventually, the ball bursts through the surface with force you can’t contain. The very thing you’re trying to suppress becomes stronger.
Resistance: A False Sense of Control
Patrick, 22, felt stuck in his personal growth. After many questions from me, we eventually arrived at a potential root cause: his mother’s alcoholism. She had been sober for more than four years, and they were very close. Still, he actively resisted acknowledging how her drinking had shaped him, which led to anxiety and insecurity. Patrick was a stellar soccer player and clung to an idea of his formative years as exemplary. Accepting that there was quite a bit of drama with his mom’s frequent efforts to get sober in rehabs significantly changed his idealized personal narrative.
Patrick and Lisa were both holding themselves back by resisting the reality of their experiences. It was too uncomfortable to internalize.
Resistance gives us the illusion of control. If I don’t admit the marriage is over, maybe it isn’t. If I don’t acknowledge the diagnosis, perhaps it will disappear.
It’s often rooted in shame. We hide parts of ourselves because we fear they’ll make us unlovable. We resist reality because it threatens the story we want to believe about ourselves. Lisa didn’t want to be a divorcee, and Patrick didn’t want to think about his mom as she was when drinking, nor did he want to see himself as having a less-than-optimal upbringing.
The good news is that discomfort can be a pathway to growth: The very thing we try to avoid is the thing that will liberate us. If we can identify what we’re resisting and lean toward it rather than away from it, we begin the slow but powerful work of acceptance. And we can be set free.
The first step out is simple, but not easy: Notice it. Ask yourself: What am I resisting, and why? What would it mean to accept this, even if I hate it? Simply naming resistance often loosens its grip.
Acceptance: The Beginning, Not the End
People often confuse acceptance with giving up or giving in. They worry that accepting a painful reality means condoning it. But acceptance is not approval. It’s an acknowledgment.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you stop wanting change. It simply means we begin to see ourselves in a more complex and nuanced way. Resistance shows us what we are struggling with; acceptance shows us how to find peace.
One day, Lisa came in looking defeated.
“I can’t keep doing this,” she said.
She admitted that she wasn’t sleeping, was arguing with her children, and was short with her peers at work. “Out of sight, out of mind is not working for me,” she said.
That was the moment she stopped fighting the truth. She didn’t have to like that her marriage was over, but she could acknowledge it. Once she stopped fighting her current reality, she could begin to build a new one.
How to Work With Resistance
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) refers to this as psychological flexibility: the ability to experience painful thoughts and feelings without letting them control you. Instead of trying to change or suppress them, you notice and accept them as they are.
If you’re wrestling with resistance, these three questions can help:
What’s in my control? Resistance clings to what you cannot change. Acceptance focuses on what you can. Ask if you’re resisting reality because you’re trying to control the uncontrollable. Patrick ultimately acknowledged that avoiding a large part of his personal narrative was not psychologically productive for him. By accepting his life as it was, he was able to recognize that his childhood adversity had given him the type of resilience that many people only wish they had.
What am I feeling? Notice how resistance shows up in your body and mood. Are you exhausted, anxious, or ashamed? Lisa resisted because she feared what her divorce said about her, and it left her feeling depressed and depleted. After she accepted her situation, she found new energy again—and new friendships through a support group.
What would moving forward look like? Acceptance isn’t passive. It clears space for action. Forward motion itself often reduces suffering and creates possibilities.
The next time you’re fighting reality, pause and ask: What am I really resisting? And what might happen if I stopped? You may discover that acceptance doesn’t end the story. It begins a new one.
