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Co-authors: Charles Egnatz and Kadijah Booth Watkins
“Mm, I didn’t wanna leave you, I didn’t wanna lie/Started to cry, but then remembered/I can buy myself flowers/Write my name in the sand/Talk to myself for hours/Say things you don’t understand” —Miley Cyrus
Teen romance looks very different today than it did a generation ago. Texting, social media, and even AI chatbots have changed how teens connect, communicate, and even break up with one another. While digital spaces can help teens feel closer and more supported, they can bring new challenges including ghosting, blocking and harassment. And those who sustain or initiate a breakup, as noted by Miley Cyrus, need to find new ways to preserve one’s identity and integrity.
In the days prior to digital media, we had the telephone, or we could meet up after school, or at a local park or mall. Hanging out was never an immediate thing. Though new relationships and breakups occurred, they took time for word to get out. And on the negative side, if there were bad feelings, name calling, bullying, competition and comparisons, the time and scope of the assault was never immediate — nor was the scope of who could find out and who did what to whom.
For advice, you had to go to someone – a relative, counselor, parent – not AI. It seemed more personal, but we know that AI can be incredibly appealing, persuasive and instantaneous.
Breakups in the Digital Age: Ghosting, Blocking and Harassment
Ghosting:
Ghosting is the process by which someone ends a relationship by suddenly withdrawing from all communication without explanation. Large numbers of teens report experience with this, either as ghoster or ghostee. It is used as a way to avoid conflict and emotional upset, and often the rationalization is that it is a “kinder” way to breakup, rather than hurting a partner directly. It is essentially the “silent” treatment, since the recipient can see what their previous romantic partner is doing online, but there is no response. Many view this as a mean-spirited, passive aggressive way of actually inflicting harm (though typically denied by the ghoster).
Ghosting can lead the recipient to experience:
- Lower self-esteem and self-worth (“what did I do to deserve this?”)
- Mistrust of others, affecting future relationships
- Sadness, distress, loneliness and depressive symptoms
- Beliefs of being unlovable or less socially valuable
- Reduced overall life satisfaction
Blocking:
Blocking is known as the “digital wall.” It is a built-in feature on most social media platforms for privacy and safety. When blocked, the recipient can no longer see your posts, send direct messages, or tag your photos. On phones, it prevents calls and texts. It may be used to prevent harassment or pressure, or to secure oneself “emotionally” after a breakup. It may be used defensively to prevent further conversation or as punishment (“you don’t exist anymore.”) Blocking is often a way to separate you from your previous partner and all their activities. It may, in some cases, be the definitive answer that the relationship is over. For the person blocked, the message is clear, but it also means that a circle of friends in the orbit of the past relationship is also cut off, though you may be able to have independent unblocked communication with others in a circle of friends.
Online Harassment:
Perhaps one of the most disturbing digital consequences of a breakup is online harassment and possibly threatening behavior. It may take a number of forms:
- Persistent texting
- Monitoring
- Public threats and shaming in tweets and group chats
- Revealing private content (photos, texts)
- Spreading misinformation and rumors
Online harassment may result if the perpetrator is jealous, angry, or has poor impulse control — or it may result as a response to being a victim of ghosting or blocking. Not only is it unsettling but it is geared to extend the relationship beyond the breakup.
The recipient may experience:
- Anxiety and fear
- Problems with daily functioning, such as sleep, relaxation, concentration
- Social withdrawal and avoidance of other relationships
- Cases of acute or post-traumatic stress reactions
What Can Be Done to Help Teens:
Here are some guidelines for parents, caregivers and clinicians:
- Have ongoing conversations beginning in early childhood about the use and misuse of digital media. Be sure to listen, be nonjudgemental, curious, and supportive.
- Parents and caregivers should not snoop or spy on their teen’s social media apps. This is an important general rule, but especially important when they are going through the stress of a breakup. Snooping undermines trust.
- Know the signs of distress in your teen. For example, is there a behavior change such as irritability, isolation from others, tearfulness, or trouble with daily functioning, such as sleep, appetite, and normal routines?
- Ask what is going on if you see a change in emotions, feelings, cognition or behavior. And ask about relationships, such as breakups, disharmony, or bullying, as these often go unspoken.
- Enlist others to talk with your teen. Of course, let your teen choose with whom to speak. Often an older sibling, teacher, coach, mentor, a friend’s parents, or member of their clergy may be safer for them than talking with you.
- Engage your teen (and all other family members) to learn digital literacy! We all use and misuse our devices and need to appreciate the proper use and consequences of our online behavior.
- Peer support groups such as SADD for high school youth or Active Minds for college students may be extremely helpful. Young people providing support may be in the best position for your teen to feel heard and understood.
- A clinical mental health assessment would be called for If you see your teen in significant distress, and if needed, therapy may be an effective means to enhance coping. One question that may be important to address is whether the therapist has been adequately trained in the impact of digital media on us all.
Many of us may remember the doo wop hit tune that made Neal Sedaka famous: Breaking Up is Hard to Do:
“Don’t take your love away from me/Don’t you leave my heart in misery/Cause if you go, then I’ll be blue/Cause breaking up is hard to do”
Little did he or the many others, generation after generation, appreciate how hard and complicated breaking up has become in the digital age.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Also posted on the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds website at The Massachusetts General Hospital
