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So often, when we as family law attorneys caution newly separated or divorced parents to keep their children “out of it,” clients interpret this as a warning not to argue in front of their children. Or not to bring their kids into arguments for support in a he said, she said-type of discussion. They are correct to assume this, and I’m happy they do. Though parents may not have a name for these behaviors, they usually say they recognize the harm they can cause.
My conversation with newly separated or divorcing parents, however, would be incomplete without my underscoring one more behavior they may not realize they’re doing that is far less noticeable: leaning on their children for emotional support, something known as emotional parentification.
Especially common after a divorce, when the adult partner has suddenly lost their primary emotional support system—or in troubled marriages where this type of support has dissipated over time or never existed at all—children, including young ones, become emotional caregivers to their parents way before they have the life experience or skills to do so. It can harm the child and the parent who engages in it, suggesting that recognizing and curtailing this behavior should become a parent’s top priority. If this rings true, this post is for you.
Signs You May Be Emotionally Parentifying Your Child
Parents who emotionally parentify a child usually do so in private, away from adults who could point it out or take the child’s place as an emotional caregiver. Typically, the parent is not actively hiding what they’re doing; they may be unconsciously leaning on their child for emotional support simply because there aren’t many (or any) adults the parent feels comfortable turning to when they need someone to be there for them. Once you know what to look for, however, signs that a child is being emotionally parentified begin to emerge.
Your child, for example, may feel justified in weighing in on conversations you are having with another adult, whether about a subject they’re familiar with because you have discussed it with them before, or because they feel empowered by the parent-child relationship you share to offer an opinion or even advice. Your child may also be more comfortable around adults than children and speak to those much older than them with familiarity, even when they do not know them or know them well.
Moreover, your child may know private facts about you that they shouldn’t, given their age, or that they shouldn’t ever know due to their personal nature, because you have taken it upon yourself to communicate them to your child in graphic detail. These can include, for example, intimate details about your and their other parent’s marriage, conversations about money (not in the way of age-appropriate money lessons but, instead, doomsaying without presenting possible solutions), and believing the child is (or outwardly describing the child to others as) wise beyond their years and having the ability to understand matters of a mature nature.
How to Break the Pattern of Emotional Parentification of Your Child
The longer such behavior persists, the more challenging it becomes to break these patterns for both parent and child, and the more lasting the ill effects can be. Here’s what you can do today to stop emotional parentification or prevent it from happening should the conditions be ripe for it.
Create or Deepen Your Divorce Support Network
Divorce can become an isolating experience if you are not proactive about it. The good news: There can be a wealth of support at your disposal if you are receptive to welcoming it into your life.
Divorce support can come from optimistic friends whose advice you trust and who can help pitch in logistically, parents and other relatives who display those same qualities, clergy, support groups, and coaches—divorce, financial, and anyone else, even a home declutterer, who offer a specific skill set that will help lift you up and guide you into the future. Having such people around will make you less likely to feel tempted to lean on your child and, instead, give you the strength to be there for them to lean on you.
Consult With a Mental Health Professional Experienced in Divorce
If you have been engaging in emotional parentification, speak with a mental health professional to explore why. The best way to stop unwanted behavior is to find its root cause.
Often, emotional parentification of a child is driven not solely by circumstances but also by the dynamic that person had with their own parent during childhood. A mental health professional can help you understand this as it applies to you, as well as identify parentification in real-time so that you can develop strategies to redirect your search for emotional support to more age-appropriate sources.
Speak With a Child-Centered Family Law Attorney
Family law attorneys who bring a child-centered focus to divorce cases do more than handle the legal aspects of divorce. They support clients holistically so they can make informed decisions that protect their children’s well-being while also caring for themselves.
Parentification Essential Reads
That means helping parents regulate during an emotional time, keep conflict and emotional issues from spilling over onto their kids, and build parenting plans that work in real life, not just on paper. All of which will allow you to be the best version of yourself, including as a parent.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
