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What’s being referred to as “Shrekking” on social media may seem a little ogre the top. It’s the practice of purposely dating down—meaning dating someone whom you consider below your standards—so that you can have the upper hand in the relationship. The belief is that the other person should be so grateful to have you and therefore will keep going extra miles to keep you happy. However, Shrekking can lead to an unpleasant reckoning—or perhaps Shrekoning—when the supposedly inferior person doesn’t treat you nearly as well as you expect. In fact, that person may even, gasp, end up dumping you, which is being called on social media “getting Shrekked.”
Yep, you’ve got folks on TikTok saying stuff like “we’ve all been there” and then deeming a former significant other a Shrek. If you haven’t figured it out yet, being described as a Shrek is typically not a compliment. “Kind of like Shrek” is not something to put on your dating profile, and “thank you” might not be your first response when your date says, “You remind me of Shrek.” Shrek is that giant, green-skinned ogre, who’s been the titular character of that DreamWorks animated film franchise. He was portrayed as not only being ugly in appearance but also somewhat ugly in personality at the beginning of the series. That was until he finally found his romantic match in Princess Fiona, who turned out to be more like Shrek than first realized.
Shrekking Is Deliberate and Not the Same as Compromising
Note that Shrekking is not the same as compromising, taking the time to get to know someone, or seeing the good in someone beyond superficial characteristics, as has been advanced in the Shrek movies. No, when you Shrek, you are deliberately dating someone whom you consider inferior, specifically so that you can have more control. When your significant other is so darn thankful to be with you, maybe you don’t have to work as hard, hide your faults, or worry about that person leaving in any way. You aren’t looking for an equal partner or perhaps not even a partner in a relationship. Instead, it’s more like what Obi-Wan Kenobi told Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith: “It’s over Anakin, I have the high ground.”
Shrekking Assumes That Everyone Subscribes to the Same Dating Hierarchy
A big assumption in Shrekking is that there is some kind of clearly established dating hierarchy that everyone subscribes to equally. In actuality, this isn’t necessarily the case. It can be difficult to rank people dating-wise, especially in a way that’s acceptable to everyone. Different people are going to weigh different things differently, such as looks versus income versus family pedigree versus type of job versus popularity versus amount of weight you can deadlift versus… oh, what about personality and values? Plus, a lot of these things are quite subjective. A person can be physically hot in some people’s eyes yet quite lukewarm to others.
Shrekking Assumes That Everyone Knows Where They Fall on the Dating Hierarchy
Another big set of assumptions is that everyone knows exactly where they rank in this hierarchy and are willing to accept this ranking. In other words, people whom you consider “beneath you” will simply say, “Yes, I realize that I suck compared to you.” In reality, people can be notoriously bad at rating their own desirability. The dating pool is filled with people vastly overrating themselves, such as the dating profiles that tell you all you have to be just to have the privilege of going on a date with that person. On the flip side, many truly great catches may end up selling themselves short, like the model who still feels “ugly” or the physics professor who doesn’t feel that smart. Unless both of you are willing to wear jersey numbers that represent your respective rankings, don’t assume that you have any mutual agreement about who is above whom and by how much.
Shrekking Doesn’t Account for Time, Circumstances, and Change
Plus, nothing ever stays the same, with the possible exception of a fruitcake. Over time, looks, wealth, social connections, jobs, and even the amount each of you can deadlift can evolve. You and the other person’s perception of these characteristics can change as well. As you get to know each other better, more superficial things tend to fall on the list of priorities, supplanted by things that are more core to compatibility and the relationship. Speaking of core, your amazing abs can carry you only so far for so long. The same is true with your luscious legs, sexy paychecks, or hot job. What people value early on in dating is not necessarily the same as when you are deep into a relationship.
So one big risk with Shrekking is that your position on the so-called higher ground can change. Who’s to say that your ranking won’t tumble like the value of Dogecoin and the other person’s value won’t go the opposite direction? Such changes can dramatically change the dynamics of your relationship. And if your relationship was largely based on the initial power differential, then this could leave you with little to hold you together anymore.
Ultimately, Relationships Are About Fit and Compatibility
Given all of the above, Shrekking can work if both of you are OK with the arrangement and maintaining it. If you are someone who needs to have the upper hand, then maybe you can find someone willing to cede such control to you in exchange for what you can offer. For example, maybe someone is willing to put up with all your nonsense and willing to suck up to you simply because you or your paycheck are just so darn great.
Therefore, as is the case with all types of relationships, being open and frank with each other can help. If you truly feel that you are dating down, consider telling the other person. While such a revelation can be initially uncomfortable, it’s better for the other person to know where he or she stands so that the person can choose whether to remain in the relationship.
Things are likely to end up badly when there’s a fundamental mismatch in what both of you have, want, and need. Just like Princess Fiona eventually revealed her true colors—namely green—the truth will eventually emerge. It can be hard for you to hide your disdain when you don’t really respect the other person or deep down feel that you deserve someone “better.” At the same time, the other person can grow quite resentful when you clearly don’t put enough effort into the relationship.
Instead of Shrekking, you may want to figure out why you have to have the so-called upper hand in relationships rather than more of an equal partnership. Otherwise, if you continue to Shrek, you could end up in a wreck of a relationship.
