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Setting limits is hard. When someone else’s behavior is impacting your life in a negative way, it can be important to set limits on them for your own protection or to create space to thrive in your own endeavors. This can happen in families, at work, in your community, online, or anywhere. However, the question arises: Should I show some empathy to the person who I am setting limits on? Or even pay extra attention to them? Or emphasize how I respect them? The answer is: It depends.
In my book with Ekaterina Ricci, SLIC Solutions for Conflict: Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences in 2½ Steps, the half step is about giving the person an “EAR Statement” (showing empathy, attention and/or respect), or not! About half of the time, it is a good idea. But in the other half, giving an EAR Statement may set you up for being manipulated.
EAR Statements
I developed this term in 2004 for high conflict situations, but EAR Statements can be used anywhere with anyone. The idea is that making a statement that shows empathy, or that you will pay attention, or that you respect something about the other person, will calm them and help you connect with them. Empathy can include acknowledging what the other person might be feeling or experiencing, such as “I can understand that you might be feeling frustrated about this.” Or: “I can see that this is a hard time for you.” Or: “I can hear your disappointment in having your request turned down.” By saying “I can…” you are treating the person as an equal, rather than looking down on them.
Your attention can be shown by saying “Tell me more. I want to understand your concerns. I’ll pay attention.” People with difficult personalities or other problems may be used to people ignoring them, so letting them know you will pay attention often reduces their anger or upset feelings right away. This doesn’t mean you will agree with them or do something for them. It just means you’ll pay attention and may try to empathize with them by understanding more about what they are saying.
Showing respect can include respect for the work they do, for their relationship with others in the family (“I respect your relationship with our daughter. Now I need to tell you …”), or your respect for their commitment to solving a problem.
Any one of these three gestures (empathy, attention, and/or respect) can be an EAR Statement and may calm the situation.
Setting Limits With an EAR Statement
With children, students, employees, and anyone in an ongoing helping relationship, it is usually a good idea to give an EAR Statement when setting limits.
For example, a parent might say to a child: “I’m telling you that if this happens again I will need to restrict you from going to that friend’s house. This is because I love you and want to protect you from such potentially harmful situations.” (Empathy)
Or a teacher might say: “I am setting this limit and I am willing to impose this consequence because I want to help you change this behavior. Do you have any questions for me about this? I want to understand any concerns you might have.” (Attention)
Or a manager might say: “If you cover up your lack of progress on this project again, then I may have to end your employment here and I would really rather not do that. I respect you so much as a valued employee, but even we have limits.” (Respect)
Setting limits in this manner lets the person know that you want them to succeed, and that accepting the limit will actually help them in the long run. An EAR Statement also lets them know that your relationship with them is not at risk even though you are setting a limit, and that you see them as an equal worthy of your empathy, attention and respect.
Setting Limits Without an EAR Statement
When you are dealing with a manipulative person, such as someone with narcissistic or antisocial personality traits, it is often unwise to be “too nice” and give them your empathy, open-ended attention, and/or emphasize respect for them. If you do, then they may twist it around into a debate on whether you are being fair and avoid your consequences.
Here are a few examples:
“You said you cared about me and had empathy for me. How can you care about me and yet refuse to allow me to do _____? You’re a hypocrite. I’m going to tell people that you really aren’t the nice person you appear to be.”
“If you truly cared and paid attention to what I have told you, you would sign this paper here.”
“If you really respected me, you wouldn’t insult me with this consequence. You’re a little person and no one respects you.”
Rather than getting into such arguments and manipulations, skip the EAR statement altogether if you anticipate such a response. Set your limit, impose your consequence if necessary in a matter-of-fact way, and then stand firm.
Conclusion
There is no clear-cut way to determine when to use an EAR statement and when not to use one. It often is based on a gut feeling that the person wants to dominate or manipulate you. When in doubt, skip the EAR statement. On the other hand, if you give an EAR statement and the person pushes back, like the examples above, then stay focused on your limit and consequences and don’t discuss or argue about your EAR statement any further. Be prepared for such a response if you think the person might have a lack of empathy or remorse and will use your kind words against you. Don’t get stuck defending yourself or your consequence. Just set your limit and impose your consequence in a matter-of-fact manner.
