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I often have parents contact me about their children, saying something like, “Why can’t they move forward?” “I know they’re smart”, “We have been trying to give them opportunities”. What these parents don’t realize is that today’s failure to launch is not always behavioral in nature. It can be due to cognitive constipation (bear with me on the Gastrointestinal metaphor; I am trying to make a point).
Yes, that’s right. It is those nasty doses of overthinking—the behind-the-scenes fuel—that crank up the hidden anxiety burning in your adult child’s brain. So, when you hear something like, “I’m not going to take some stupid, soul-sucking job”, just know that overthinking is likely lurking under the surface.
Why Is Overthinking So Often Behind the Failure To Launch?
Failure to launch was once blamed on entitlement or a lack of motivation. Today, the real culprit is overthinking. It is fueled by seemingly endless options and constant comparisons (thank you, social media!).
Overthinking appears in various ways. It can look like endless planning (“My resume is not good enough—after 100 versions”) or “I still have to get myself ready to apply for that program.” Or, it can appear as a retreat into hobbies, video games, music, or graphic novels.
The biggest kicker with overthinking is that the adult child believes that one wrong step is catastrophic and irreversible. Overthinking, which drives the quest for certainty (impossible to find), leaves adult children staying in the safe zone of doing nothing,
Here are three examples of how overthinking keeps adult children stuck:
1. Overthinking Turns Every Choice Into a Permanent Trap
Consider Alex, who is 26 years old. A big part of him wants to get a job, especially after attending three colleges without earning a degree. But a bigger part of him overanalyzes job options. This overanalysis, part of overthinking, causes “analysis paralysis”, which is brutal.
2. Overthinking Has Adult Children Reharsing Failure Before Any Action Begins
Lilly, 24, wants to apply to graduate school, but she keeps putting it off. In Lilly’s mind, she has already been rejected, feels embarrassed about the rejection she has not yet received, and worries about the regret she’ll feel for not having a stronger application (even though she has not yet applied). Her avoidance brings a sense of temporary relief to the ongoing pain she feels from being frozen in fear.
3. Overthinking Destroys Confidence
Danny is seemingly addicted to something that is undermining his confidence. That “addictive substance” is his incessant need for his parents’ approval. They often hear Danny say, “Do you think this is the right move?” or “I just need to think this through more, is that okay?” His parents unwittingly try to give Danny reassurance, but this just fans the flames of his anxiety, overthinking, and consequent avoidance.
The Good News For Your Overthinking Adult Child
Through my parent coaching practice, I see that the tools that help younger children tame overthinking also work for teens and adult children. As a parent, you can play a huge role in helping your adult child by slowing the pace of their spiraling thoughts. My PACE method, as described in my book, Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, consists of doing the following:
Pause before trying to fix their situation or reassure them. Tolerating uncertainty is a big part of breaking free from overthinking.
Acknowledge their anxiety without feeding it. For example, say to your adult child, “I know when my mind races, it is hard to see things clearly. Can you see how you’re overthinking this just a wee bit?” (Depending on the circumstances, humor sometimes can be very disarming.)
Contain their anxiety without feeding it. Statements like, “How about we agree to talk about this for ten more minutes, and then we will switch to a different topic? Or, “Can you agree that we don’t have to completely figure all of this out right now?”
Engage by helping your adult child take small, concrete steps toward real work while their mind is still noisy. Overthinking demands perfection, and engaging builds confidence by doing and experiencing the next steps, no matter how small they may be.
