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Have you ever experienced a relationship with someone who leaves you feeling like you’ve been used? Whether it’s friendship, family, or marriage, there are those relationships that seem based on what you can do for them and rarely, if at all, about you.
As a therapist, I hear this all the time.
“I’m in a relationship where it’s all about them. Should I end the relationship? Or is there something wrong with me if I stay?”
Relationships are complicated, and people are complicated, but in any relationship that has you feeling that ‘it’s all about them,’ there comes a time when you will need to consider whether to continue or end it. There are always people in our lives who dominate the inherent reciprocal dynamic of a relationship and there are certainly times when it is understandable—when someone is going through something particularly difficult—a breakup, a divorce, a job loss, or the death of someone close, and you are there to support, comfort, and help someone through that difficult time.
Yet, there are people who always have something difficult going on—it’s always about them and about what you can do for them. Understandably, life is full of difficult days and situations, but the essential give-and-take in relationships is sometimes skewed when the give-and-take is limited to someone taking with little or no reciprocity. If you find yourself in that situation, you might want to discern whether the relationship is worth keeping, and if there is a cost to that.
Relationships, by definition, are about the interconnectedness between people, and the APA definition of relationship is about the continuing and committed association in which the participants have some degree of influence on each other’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.
There is an intrinsic give and take in relationships in general, and specifically, more pronounced in what are termed “ transactional relationships.” Transactional relationships are characterized by a “You do this for me and I do this for you” dynamic. The notion of transactional relationships is a derivative of the concept developed by Eric Berne in his work on Transactional Analysis back in the 1950s, and is currently viewed in terms of relationships in which there is an understood give and take, somewhat like a business relationship. A crucial aspect of the relationship is the give and take. Yet the problem arises when one person is giving and the other is only taking.
An interesting concept in a study entitled “A People-as-Means Approach to Interpersonal Relationships,” Orehek et al. explored the business-type implied exchange between people in relationships where there is a mutual goal of meeting and helping the other achieve their needs. Yet, in the event that one is in a relationship with the expectation of reciprocity and there is, in fact, none, research has found that the underlying expectations of transactional relationships eventually lead to existential isolation. It is no wonder that when relationships are one-sided, the imbalance eventually erodes the relationship.
Yet people remain in unreciprocated relationships all the time and experience the fallout in numerous ways. People question their self-worth, confusion over not having their own needs met, panic around questioning the value of the relationship, in addition to depressed and anxious thinking around what feels wrong about the relationship. Yet in the event that one person is doing all the giving and the other is doing all the taking, at some point, the person doing all the giving needs to examine whether the continuation of the relationship is tenable.
Is there any sound psychological reason to maintain a one-sided relationship? As a therapist, I have often observed that people stay in all sorts of seemingly dysfunctional relationships that somehow make sense in the context of their lives. So, how do you decide whether to maintain the relationship or end it?
3 Things to Consider
1. Do you get any satisfaction from the relationship?
Sometimes the role of the giver in an unreciprocated relationship can offer moral satisfaction in giving without the expectation of getting something back… something to consider. It is not unusual for people to remain in one-sided relationships for pragmatic reasons.
2. Does it annoy you or harm you?
It is essential to seriously consider whether the relationship is harming you, whether it is toxic or merely annoying. If the relationship is causing harm, undue stress, affecting mood, increasing anxiety, or depressed feelings, further discernment is necessary. Annoying becomes a choice; harm is not.
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3. Do you have the emotional energy to give?
Where are you at this point in time, and do you have the emotional energy to give? Sometimes reciprocity is about timing. For example, if someone is going through a painful breakup, it might be about them now, but they will be there for you later. Are you in a place in your own life where you can give freely- have you taken care of you first? It then becomes a choice.
The most important things to keep in mind when you are in a one-sided relationship are recognizing that you matter too, that your needs are valid, and that harm is not an option. The fact that your needs are not considered in the relationship does not mean that they are unimportant. The fact that they are not met in a particular relationship is about the other person, where they are, what they are capable of giving, and who they are.
Once you are clear about the fact that you matter, you are certainly free to continue the relationship as long as you have personal emotional boundaries that might lead you to limit what you give. Finding an alternative pathway to meet your needs will inform your decision. Consider working with a therapist to help you set those needed boundaries and find the alternative pathway for your needs to be met. Whether or not you are ready to end a one-sided relationship, you do have a choice, and the choice is ultimately yours.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
