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So how do your favorites pair up in this gridiron/slasher mash-up?
So some people out there think that horror fans and NFL fans are two totally different subcultures. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. Heck, go to any Raiders game and you’ll see scores of people in the crowd dressed up like Michael Myers, Chucky and Pinhead — even on Christmas Day. Despite what some know-nothings might tell you, there’s definitely a lot of overlap between horror fans and pro football fans. In fact, there’s so much overlap that you could argue that each and every team in the League has its own unofficial horror mascot analogue.
It might sound a little silly at first. But trust me, once you start seeing the sheer volume of eerie parallels between certain movie franchises and NFL teams, you’ll be a believer …
Arizona Cardinals = The Creeper (Jeepers Creepers)
Both are identified with desert-like backdrops, both tend to be forgotten amidst so many other legacy franchises and sometimes, it feels like it takes 23 years for either one of them to get anything going. My apologies in advance for Cardinals fans having to associate with Victor Salva, obviously.
Atlanta Falcons = Ash’s Severed Hand (Evil Dead II)
I mean, can you name any duo more famous for choking?
Baltimore Ravens = Ghostface (Scream)
Both are creations of the mid-‘90s that heralded the return of aggressive play in their respective products. The same way the Ravens are never really that far removed from the playoffs picture, we’re never really that far removed from yet another Scream sequel. Or remake. Or reboot. Or MTV series. Or whatever.
Buffalo Bills = Chucky (Child’s Play)
A sleeper hit of the 1980s that morphed into a dominant franchise of the ‘90s — but neither never really got the respect they deserved because they could never win the “big one,” so to speak. Two franchises that always seem like they’re on the verge of another comeback — only to break fans’ hearts time and time again.
Carolina Panthers = Ludban The Leprechaun (Leprechaun)
Two franchises that emerged in the 1990s that frankly, we all forget ever existed at various points in our lives. If any NFL team gets relocated to outer space, odds are it’s going to be the Panthers.
Chicago Bears = Daniel Robitalle (Candyman)
Two franchises that had tremendous success for seemingly one year only, but they both seem poised for a comeback any day now. Plus, Candyman literally takes place in Chicago, so there’s that, too.
Cincinnati Bengals = Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)
Two wildly successful franchises of the ‘80s that went into a decline in the ‘90s and pretty much vanished into the ether altogether in the 2000s. Which makes that out of the blue Super Bowl run in 2022 the equivalent of Rob Englund showing up in character on that one episode of The Goldbergs, I guess. And hey, they’re both known for striped uniforms, aren’t they?
Cleveland Browns = Norman Bates (Psycho)
Tremendously important and influential franchises in the 1960s which pretty much created the modern products we know and love today. There was a bit of a resurgence in the 1980s, but we really haven’t heard much from either of them since then.
Dallas Cowboys = Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
Well, this one is a pretty obvious comparison. Both franchises were big parts of the ‘70s scene, they went a little dormant in ‘80s, made a massive comeback in the ‘90s and have been caught in a perpetual reboot cycle ever since. That, and Cowboys owner Jerry Jones does suspiciously resemble Grandpa Sawyer, the more you look at him …
Denver Broncos = Kevin Crumb (Split)
Because you genuinely have no idea what to expect from either one of them at any given moment. The key number here is 23: not just the number of Kevin’s alternate personalities in the movie, but seemingly the number of failed quarterbacks for the Broncos ever since John Elway retired.
Detroit Lions = Fuad Ramses (Blood Feast)
They both had their moment in the ‘60s, but despite a die-hard cult following they have largely been seen as laughingstocks for the last half century and counting. It sure would be cool if both of them made a comeback at the same time, though, wouldn’t it?
Green Bay Packers = Count Dracula (Dracula)
The gold standard. As long as there’s an NFL there’s going to be the Packers and as long as horror movies exist we’re always going to get Dracula movies. Which begs the question: how do vampires feel about cheese and bratwurst?
Houston Texans = Pluto (The Hills Have Eyes)
Two highly-visible, surprisingly prolific franchises that have always had to live in the shadow of their spiritual predecessors (The Dallas Cowboys and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, respectively.)
Indianapolis Colts = Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs)
Both franchises have revolved around some of the most brilliant tacticians within their respective crafts — but despite all of that know-how, they keep finding ways to get shown up by lesser competition. Both would have potential, if they could only escape from their handcuffs first.
Jacksonville Jaguars = Evan Rendell (Dr. Giggles)
Two totally random would-be franchises from the ‘90s that never really blossomed into their full potential. Except it’s easier to find a Dr. Giggles fan in real life than it is a Jaguars supporter.
Kansas City Chiefs = The Thing (John Carpenter’s The Thing)
Just when you think you have the Chiefs figured out, all of a sudden they completely change their appearance and give you an entirely new set offensive weapons to worry about. And I guess they both have a good shot at marrying Taylor Swift eventually?
Las Vegas Raiders = Jason Voorhees (Friday The 13th)
An iconic franchise that epitomized the ‘80s, fell into decline in the ‘90s, had a brief moment of hope in the early 2000s and has been waiting to be resurrected for more than 20 years now. Need I say any more?
Los Angeles Chargers = Horace Pinker (Shocker)
The same way Horace Pinker is always going to be that other mascot slasher invented by Wes Craven, the Chargers are always going to be that other pro football team in Los Angeles. Plus, Chargers head coach Jim Harbaugh does kinda resemble Mitch Pileggi a little.
Los Angeles Rams = Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)
Two entities obsessed with aesthetics over substance, in communities were egotism and materialism run wild. If you’re ever hacked to death by somebody reciting Huey Lewis and the News lyrics, they’re probably a Rams fan.
Miami Dolphins = Bruce The Shark (Jaws)
Absolute icons of the 1970s, a pretty decent presence in the 1980s and then … pretty much nothing.
Minnesota Vikings = The Tall Man (Phantasm)
Always in the background, always in the discussion and seemingly always on the cusp of greatness — only for something to always happen that prevents them from achieving crossover success and/or popularity. Although the Vikes’ offensive packages usually make a lot more sense than any of the Phantasm scripts.
New England Patriots = Jigsaw (Saw)
Both franchises absolutely dominated the 2000s and had success well into the 2010s. Then there were some “creative differences” at their respective organizational hierarchies and today, both monoliths are considered in rebuild mode. Bonus: both franchises were once anchored by evil old white dudes who wore hoodies a lot.
New Orleans Saints = Victor Crawley (Hatchet)
Two franchises largely relegated to regional obscurity, although they did have a boon period in the late 2000s and early 2010s where they were both on the national radar for a little while. Heck, the Hatchet movies even take place IN Louisiana — word’s still mum on whether or not Kane Hodder could’ve ever played quarterback for Nawlins, though.
New York Giants = The Xenomorph (Alien)
The ultimate hot and cold franchises. When the Alien movies and the Giants are at their best, they’re absolutely fantastic. But when they’re bad, hoo boy, are they terrible.
New York Jets = Rosemary’s Baby (Rosemary’s Baby)
Because both were a big deal in the late 1960s, had a disappointing dry spell in the 1970s, pretty much vanished altogether in the ‘80s and ‘90s, had some false hope for a reboot in the late 2000s and early 2010s and had to suffer the indignities of Apartment 7A and Aaron Rodgers in the 2020s.
Philadelphia Eagles = Art The Clown (Terrifier)
Love ‘em or hate ‘em, both franchise have come to symbolize the state of horror/football in the 2020s. You may not always agree with their aggressive tactics (whether it’s the “tush push” or child victims getting blown to smithereens at Christmastime) but you really can’t deny their on-field/box office success.
Pittsburgh Steelers = The Amorphous, Incorporeal Specter of Death (Final Destination)
The Steelers are one of those teams that always seems to be relevant and a threat to the division title, and if they get on a roll, another Super Bowl championship isn’t out of the question. Like the invisible slasher of Final Destination, you know they’re ALWAYS lurking around … somewhere.
San Francisco 49ers = Michael Myers (Halloween)
They were dominant forces throughout the ‘80s, had a comeback in the ‘90s, went through a really weird phase in the 2000s and once again became championship material in the late 2010s and early 2020s. I guess that makes the Steve Young years Season of the Witch by default?
Seattle Seahawks = Matt Cordell (Maniac Cop)
Two franchises that always seemed like they were destined for bigger and better things, but never really got the opportunity to shine. Granted, the Seahawks did get that one Super Bowl win in the 2010s — which is way more than poor Matt Cordell has gotten since the Bill Clinton administration.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers = The Fisherman (I Know What You Did Last Summer)
I mean, they’re both adjacent to bodies of water in coastal cities, they’re stomping ground is a seafaring vessel, and I’m pretty sure I saw Tom Brady shank a dude with a giant fish hook once. Or at least it was a guy who kinda looked like Tom Brady …
Tennessee Titans = Frankenstein’s Monster (Frankenstein)
Two creatures cobbled together from spare parts, seemingly forever cursed to wander the countryside aimlessly — that is, when they aren’t getting chased out of town by pitchfork-brandishing villagers. Ask Houston Oilers fans how fitting this comparison is … if you dare.
Washington Commanders = Pinhead (Hellraiser)
Two entities that sort of came out of nowhere and experienced wild success in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, went through some extreme retooling in the 2000s and 2010s, experienced a major identity crisis in the 2020s and seems ripe for a comeback — assuming they can get those ownership kinks worked out, of course.
