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This post was written with Darien Thira, Ph.D.
(Note: Gendered terms are used for simplicity to refer to gender scripts)
“I feel so great when she has an orgasm with me!” Mike, a 27-year-old engineer, declared with pride. “But it hardly ever happens.” He hesitated and looked down, “What does that say about me?” Mike and Amanda had come to therapy to help ‘fix’ her orgasm problem. Amanda described how she was able to orgasm in masturbation, but was struggling in partnered sex, “I think there’s something wrong with me. I just can’t get there with him.”
This is not an uncommon problem in heterosexual couples. In fact, up to 60% of women (and 9% of men) have been found to struggle to orgasm during partnered sex in long-term relationships (Mahar et al., 2020).
So, what is the secret to having an orgasm with your partner? Instead of looking at what goes wrong with orgasm in couples, we decided to go straight to the source–those women and men who orgasm easily with their partner. We asked over 13,000 women and men to share how they cracked the orgasm code.
Orgasm Patterns—The Surprising Truth!
What brings us “over the edge” can be called an orgasm pattern. An orgasm pattern is a specific set of sensations and experiences that our bodies and minds associate with reaching orgasm. Each of us has a unique orgasm pattern, which develops early on in our lives, based on our first orgasm experiences (usually through masturbation). Knowingly or unknowingly, we will seek to repeat the pattern as a strategy to reliably reach orgasm. This is our own unique orgasm ‘code’.
When we asked people to describe the key to unlock their orgasm, what we found in our study was surprising. And it is vital intel for couples like Amanda and Mike.
What helps men orgasm (with a partner)
According to the men in the study, the most effective strategy for orgasm is to focus attention on their partner’s pleasure. Witnessing the pleasure a lover is feeling in the moment is what took many of these men over the edge. It may be watching the excitement in her eyes or the way her body arches and writhes or hearing her moan. For many men, being turned on by their partner’s reactions can unlock an upward spiral of pleasure.
What helps women orgasm (with a partner)
According to the women in the study, the most effective orgasm strategies were two-fold: first, stimulating the clitoris (no surprise there), but second, to focus attention on her own pleasure. These women turn their attention inward, onto her own erotic experience in the moment, such as the sensations, the pleasure they are feeling, the glowing warmth spreading over her body, or the feeling of surrender. For these women, their own reactions—rather than their partner’s—turn them on and take them over the edge.
What helps (heterosexual) couples orgasm
Taken together, this is a lovely combination. Both men and women reach orgasm more easily when they focus on the woman’s pleasure. Although this may seem to favor women, it doesn’t. Why? For men, penis-vagina intercourse stimulates their main pleasure organ, the penis. And because men are often in control of the movement of their penis during partnered sex, it is easier for them to attend to their sensations and follow their own orgasm pattern when they are inside their partner. While some men might develop patterns that are incompatible with partnered sex, such as using a tight “death grip” in masturbation, making it difficult to feel enough pressure in partnered sex—most men get the sensation they need from intercourse. The same is not true for women. Their main sex organ is their clitoris—not the vagina, which is relatively insensitive compared to the clitoris. And for many women, the clit is rarely stimulated during intercourse. So it makes sense that many women have trouble reaching orgasm in penis-vagina intercourse. Women’s orgasm patterns, tragically, are too often neglected.
Unfortunately, this all may explain why men orgasm so much more often than women in partnered sex. So, what to do?
Cracking the Orgasm Code
To crack the code of this apparent conundrum, we turned to the women who do orgasm frequently with their partner. And they told us their secrets. The first that they shared was—to have enough arousal. When they increase their arousal, it puts them on the path to orgasm. Our bodies start becoming aroused earlier in the day, depending on how we like to be approached for sex—and each of us responds differently. There are four common pathways.
The second secret involved her partner. Above all, it was … her partner’s knowledge of her unique orgasm pattern that helped these women orgasm. For these women, their partner knowing and attending to their orgasm pattern helped them “let go” to the big “O”.
So, the key to helping a woman reach orgasm… is to fulfill her unique orgasm pattern. Forget the one-hit-wonder technique found in porn, or a sex manual, or remembered from a previous lover’s pattern. If a couple can decode ‘her’ unique orgasm pattern (which most likely includes her clitoris), both can be a part of, and enjoy, her orgasm. And his!
And, the key for a woman to experience an orgasm… is to become aware of her own orgasm pattern. If she has had an orgasm on her own, she already has the answer. Unfortunately, her lover is not a mind-reader and is unlikely to know her code without instruction. She can show where the hand goes, the motion, the rhythm, and the length of time needed to orgasm. Putting a hand over her lover’s hand to guide them. She is the expert in her own body, and she has the secret code to her pleasure. (Here’s more orgasm advice for women.)
But Wait! Should We Focus on Orgasm at All?
Before we get too orgasm focused, though, the women who orgasm frequently with a partner shared a third insight. They made it clear that they don’t focus much on orgasm at all. Instead, they focused on the path of pleasure–not the destination of orgasm. The journey to orgasm during partnered sex is non-pressured pleasure. What does this mean? If either partner is too “goal-oriented,” focusing on orgasm rather than pleasure, they may feel pressured… and pressure doesn’t lead to orgasm. In other words, the “goal” of an orgasm can stop the orgasm. Isn’t it ironic? So, instead of asking “are we there yet?” just enjoy the ride of giving and receiving pleasure. When we focus on what feels good, orgasm comes on its own.
Decoding Your Unique Orgasm Pattern
Decoding the orgasm pattern is a three-step process. The first step is to boost arousal, the second is to learn our own unique orgasm pattern and share the code with our partner. The third is to keep the code in mind while pursuing pleasure—without a goal. Like safe-crackers of the past—do it by feel.
