970x125
When your adult child is battling an addiction, fear and frustration may drive you to say things you will later regret. Understandably, you want them to wake up with insight, take responsibility, and get themself the help they need. You are afraid of losing them.
But in that sense of desperation, many parents, I can tell you, fall prey to one of the most damaging statements: “Why don’t you just stop?”
It sounds logical, maybe it sounds necessary, and it feels good in the moment to say it. But to a struggling adult child who feels ashamed, stuck, and even out of control, it will feel like a punch in the gut.
Why That Phrase Hurts So Much
As I explain to parents that I coach, addiction hijacks the brain’s decision-making and reward systems. It is not a simple matter of willpower. In fact, when your adult child hears, “Why don’t you just stop?” they harshly experience you saying:
- You are weak.
- You are choosing drugs over us.
- You are failing at something everyone else can do.
Those interpretations fuel shame. And shame is gasoline for addictions. A person who feels helpless or unlovable is less likely to seek help and stop, not more.
Parents Often Don’t See the Impact
Most parents don’t want to come off as judgmental. They want to see their adult child (and themselves) no longer driven by anxiety and pain. What parents likely mean is:
- I love you and am terrified of losing you.
- I want the real you back.
- I don’t understand why this is happening.
But the message does not get heard in this well-intended way. Instead, it comes through as shame, pressure, and blame. And what I have seen over and over as a parent coach is that the struggling adult child will respond by withdrawing, moving more into denial, or becoming angry.
What They Need to Hear Instead
Drawing from my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, here is a simple soundbite that healthily shifts the dynamic and keeps the door open.
I know this is really hard. I believe in you. I am here to support your recovery, not the addiction.
When you communicate in this way, you:
- Reduce defensiveness
- Increase trust
- Encourage openness to help
- Separate your adult child from the addiction
You are not excusing or enabling harmful behavior. You are calling out the struggle beneath it.
Stay Boundaried and Compassionate at the Same Time
Support does not mean rescuing or enabling. You can express love while also setting limits. You are saying, “I care about you too much to pretend this isn’t serious. I’m willing to help you with treatment, but I can’t support behaviors that put you or others in danger.” This is your way of conveying clarity without coming across as insensitive or cruel.
Your Supportive Words Create a Lifeline
Please be patient; even if your child pushes you away, what you say still matters. In quieter moments, those messages of belief and love may be what keep them moving towards recovery.
As they say at Al-Anon, an organization that supports family members of those with addictions: Parents don’t cause addiction, and you can’t cure it. But you can create an emotionally safe and supportive environment that increases the likelihood of healing. So the next time your chest is tightening up and you feel fear rising in your throat, pause, take a gentle breath, and choose the words that help your struggling adult child feel seen instead of ashamed.
