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One of the things I enjoyed most about this past holiday season was my mother’s absence. From my childhood until I severed ties with her in my forties, Christmas with her was a torment. She had always excelled at humiliation, gaslighting, tirades, and other forms of emotional abuse. But these hardships felt even more acute during a season which extols the supportive family bonds my siblings and I never knew.
There’s no research on how many other people have had similar holiday experiences to mine, but it’s safe to say there are millions of us. And lately we’ve been getting noticed. Starting in the early 2020s, commentators from Reddit to Vogue to the New Yorker have proclaimed or decried estrangement as a “trend.” Recent evidence backs up the contention that stepping away from relatives is on the rise.
A 2020 survey of over 1,300 Americans by Cornell sociology professor Karl Pillemer found that 27% were estranged from at least one close relative. Five years later, a you.gov poll of almost 4,400 Americans put that figure at 38%.
This numerical increase has been mirrored recently by high-profile, pre-holiday examinations of estrangement by Oprah Winfrey on her podcast and by Pillemer and Mel Robbins in the New York Times. The arrival of #nocontact in the mainstream media’s spotlight has drawn fire from both sides in what has become a heated debate.
One side argues that most people who step away are unwisely breaking a vital human bond because of their fragile egos, outsize sense of entitlement, and/or sheer impulsivity. This side also blames the estrangement uptick on cultural forces like TikTok and Instagram, the rise of “therapy culture” which pathologizes normal family tensions, or the polarization that increasingly impacts many facets of our society.
The other side of the debate asserts that stepping away is a difficult but necessary response to a relative’s harsh treatment or their refusal to accept core aspects of one’s identity, like religious views or sexuality. This side also rejects traditional definitions of family that emphasize unconditional loyalty, a tenet that younger people in particular are questioning.
According to last year’s you.gov poll, the three top reasons people parted with parents were “manipulative behavior,” “physical, emotional, or sexual abuse,” and “lies or betrayal.” For people who estranged from siblings, the three top reasons were “personality conflicts,” “lies or betrayal,” and “manipulative behavior.” These are all excellent reasons to minimize contact with anyone, whether or not we share genes with them. But, until now, we as individuals and as a society have largely given family a pass, too often treating relatives’ felonies as misdemeanors. We’ve spent centuries in thrall to shibboleths like “blood is thicker than water” and “family first,” which pressure traumatized people to endure their pain in silence because it was inflicted by kin.
We’re also taught to think that family abuse is rare, when in fact it’s rampant. Three million cases of “maltreatment” (the umbrella term for physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, and neglect) are reported to authorities annually, and that’s just the iceberg’s tip. Reliable estimates suggest that as much as 90% of maltreatment may go unreported. And while other forms of maltreatment will abate once survivors leave home, emotional abuse frequently persists into adulthood, as it did for my siblings and me.
And we’re encouraged to ignore the causal link between abuse and estrangement that the you.gov findings and other studies make clear. All estrangements are not brought on by a relative’s persistent bad behavior, but most are.
On and off social media, survivors, clinicians, and researchers are helping each other dispel a host of other myths about estrangement, like the false notions that it’s selfish or impulsive (which unduly shames the estranger), or that it must be complete or permanent (which makes the prospect sound more daunting and extreme than it is). In fact, we can adjust the degree and the duration of separation that gives us the most comfort and safety.
I stepped away completely, but many survivors have found that limited contact—small talk at family gatherings or occasional emails, for instance—gives them the freedom and solace they need, while averting the guilt (itself usually unwarranted) that can accompany going no-contact. And, in some cases, repair is possible, especially when abuse is not the root cause or when difficult relatives prove that they can consistently honor boundaries they had flouted before.
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So, estrangement isn’t necessarily the final destination. But for many whose relatives are among the most harmful people in their lives, it’s an essential first move. Stepping away grants us perspective we never had while our view was warped by our relative’s cruelty or demands or slights.
And no matter how the process ultimately plays out, putting distance between us and them grants us power we’ve never had before. Until now, they’ve controlled us in one way or another; finally, we’re asserting some control. I can only applaud such a shift in family dynamics.
The recent flurry of attention over estrangement makes it feel like a novelty, but it’s been with us for as long as families themselves. Still, there’s not enough evidence-based guidance on the best approaches to putting distance between us and problematic kin.
I’ve talked with many survivors who had to chart their own course, and some of them did so brilliantly. I admire all of them, regardless of their methods or results, because they all had to overcome the stigma that any deep-seated taboo imposes. I hope this unjust stigma will someday fade away, as has the taboo against the closest analogue to estrangement: divorce.
Society is getting better at supporting survivors of domestic violence who need to leave their abusers. Indeed, the stigma against divorce for any reason has largely evaporated, as it should. Just like divorce, estrangement is a complicated and distressing process, but it frequently brings peace, relief, and the possibility of growth, just like divorce can. We should be supported, or at least not rebuked, if we decide to “divorce” our relatives for any reason.
It inspires me to know that more people are holding their kin to higher standards, sharing their truth, and supporting others who seek to do the same. I fervently hope that the “divorce” rate among families rises further. Such an increase would diminish the impact of harmful relatives and bring freedom, healing—even joy—to millions of survivors.
