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The holiday season is often painted as joyful, but for many neurodivergent people it brings tension. Values like connection, tradition, and family often clash with access needs for rest, sensory boundaries, and predictability. Many people know the experience of longing for connection while the body simultaneously craves quiet.
What we value and what our body needs can sit in conflict. You might value connection but find that large gatherings leave you overstimulated. You may value creating memories with loved ones yet feel overwhelmed by the weight of expectations and disrupted routines. For neurodivergent people, these tensions can feel more pronounced, especially when navigating both personal needs and the values of family members.
For years, I didn’t have language for this tension. I only knew that what I cared about and what my body could manage rarely lined up. Naming that gap changed how I approached the holidays.
So how do we move through a season that asks for more than our systems can comfortably hold? Before exploring the holidays more deeply, it helps to ground the conversation in what psychologists mean by values.
What Are Values?
Values are the principles that guide what matters most. When we act in alignment with them, life tends to feel more grounded. When we’re out of alignment, stress and overwhelm often rise.
Clarifying values can help us prioritize, set boundaries, and communicate needs. For those new to this kind of reflection, tools like a value card sort can help identify what truly matters and open meaningful conversations with partners or family. Knowing where values overlap or diverge creates a shared language for navigating moments of tension.
Bringing this clarity into the holiday season makes it easier to understand why certain experiences land with so much complexity.
Why Values and Needs Collide
Many neurodivergent people experience the holidays as overwhelming; I’ve certainly had years that felt this way. Before I understood my sensory needs, I kept assuming effort alone would make connection feel easier. It wasn’t until I understood what my nervous system required that the season began to feel more manageable.
You might value connection yet become overstimulated in loud or crowded environments. You might value tradition yet find long events draining. This tension often reflects a gap between values and the access needs required to live them out.
Access needs are the conditions that allow someone to participate fully—from sensory supports and quiet spaces to predictable routines and shorter event durations. When these needs go unrecognized, people may push themselves through experiences that matter to them but end up feeling disconnected or depleted.
Recognizing this gap is not a failure of character; it’s a signal that values and needs require more intentional coordination.
A Framework for Navigating Clashing Values and Needs
Values can serve as a compass, offering guidance even when choices are difficult. A helpful approach involves three steps:
1. Identify the Underlying Value
What value sits at the heart of the tension? For example, feeling torn about skipping a gathering may reflect a desire for connection or tradition alongside a need for rest or predictability.
2. Name the Needs at Play
What does the body need in this situation? Common tensions include:
- Craving quiet while also longing for belonging
- Wanting meaningful connection but needing shorter or calmer environments
3. Clarify Access Needs
Access needs are the conditions required to embody a value. For example:
- If you value connection but find large gatherings overstimulating, a smaller or quieter setting may better support meaningful connection.
- If you value tradition but long events drain your energy, setting a personal time limit can help you participate without pushing past capacity. Naming this boundary in advance can also reduce family tension.
Considering the Values of Others
Holiday traditions often involve shared experiences, which means navigating not only personal values but also the values of partners, children, or extended family. This doesn’t require abandoning your needs; rather, it invites intentionality. At times, choosing to honor someone else’s value—such as maintaining a tradition that is meaningful to them—can align with a deeper personal value, like nurturing relationships or creating memories.
Understanding these layers can reduce the pressure to enjoy the season in a particular way. It can also reduce the shame of not experiencing things the way you feel you’re supposed to. Instead, it becomes about choosing what is meaningful and sustainable.
Prioritizing with Agency and Compassion
When making decisions this season, consider which choices honor both your values and your needs. Perfect balance is rarely possible, but small adjustments—shortening time at an event, taking sensory breaks, or suggesting alternative ways to connect—can make gatherings more manageable.
Navigating the holidays with intention doesn’t guarantee ease, but approaching decisions with agency and compassion, both for yourself and others, can create a more aligned experience.
It’s OK to Celebrate Differently
Holiday and cultural expectations can have a powerful influence, but celebrations do not need to follow a specific script. What matters is finding ways to connect and create meaning in a way that feels authentic. Many families find comfort in quieter traditions—simple, sensory-friendly rituals that cultivate connection without overwhelm.
If this season feels heavy with expectation, I hope you can remember this: It’s OK to celebrate differently. It’s OK to prioritize rest, to say no, and to honor your own rhythms.
Grounding decisions in values and acknowledging the needs required to live them out can create space for moments that feel meaningful, even within the complexities of the holiday season.
However this season unfolds, I hope you’ll offer yourself a measure of gentleness. It takes courage to honor both what matters to you and what your body needs. There is room for both.
