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Dearest Psychology Today readers, do you find yourself enchanted by romance brought to life on the screen? Do you notice your heart beating just a little bit faster with excitement? Does your whole body cringe at the awkward near misses of connection? You are not alone.
Watching two people fall in love, even if it is fictional, can take hold of our physiology. This is the power of good story telling combined with the innate desire to connect that drives many of us. There is a never-ending supply of shows focusing on romance. A popular recent addition is Bridgerton, Season 4, which is currently ranked #3 on Netflix top 10. If you happen to be unfamiliar with the series, in each season, one of the Brigerton siblings falls in love and gets married. With the release of the second part of this season, I have been reflecting a great deal about what draws us to these shows. I am not immune to the magnetism of the romance genre, but as a clinician who specializes in helping others build and maintain healthy relationships, I do worry about the expectations that are being set and the in-real-life parts of love that get left out.
So many shows focus on the creation of love – the spark. This is an important part of love. It includes attraction, friction, something new and energizing. The spark can then either turn to smoke or ignite (this is the part we are entertained by). Bridgeton does a great job in depicting the spark, but this season did not show the bright burn of a healthy relationship. Violet is a widow, Daphne did not make an appearance, and Anthony was out of the country for most of the season. We do get hints of a healthy supporting partnership in the brief scenes with the Mondrichs and the independent story line with Penelope, but that is not much. Bridgerton is not the only show that follows this pattern, and to be fair, its job is to entertain us, not necessarily to teach us. Because of this, the beginning of relationships tend to be emphasized; the depth and actions sustaining commitment don’t get the representation that they deserve.
Unfortunately, this leaves us without a media-inspired roadmap of relationship maintenance, and we become over focused on the excitement of the spark stage. We can also mistakenly think of this spark as love, when truthfully, it is only one part of a complex emotion.
How can I have a more realistic approach to love and romance?
First, I would recommend a more complete description of love. I particularly like the way Marsha Linehan describes love in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Love enhances quality of life and increases the chances of achieving personal goals. This description supports enduring love, the bright burn that persists after the spark is ignited. We see this in the Mondrichs’ relationship. She supported his boxing, and he is helping her problem-solve politics in her new role as a lady in waiting.
The pursuer-pursued depiction of romance also does not translate well into real life. Ideally both parties are interested in one another and actually show it. Real romance that leads to a relationship is mutual, and the more you communicate directly with one another, the more likely you are to feel it. Stolen glances and intense eye contact look great on a screen, but in life you are better off introducing yourself directly.
What keeps a spark ignited?
Nourishment. Attraction and excitement will not be enough for a long and satisfying relationship. Just like a fire needs fuel, so does a relationship. If you have experienced the spark, but have difficulty moving to the next stage in relationships, I would focus on your own sense of urgency. Urgency makes us skip the nourishment stage that turns a spark into a thriving relationship. We can feed relationship growth with trust and vulnerability. Trust is created by making promises to one another and keeping them (repeatedly). We share vulnerability every time we express a preference or ask for a need to be met.
I can’t seem to find the spark with anyone. What should I do?
Remember the spark is not as seen on TV. It can be more subtle. Don’t give up, and keep focusing on your goal. Unfortunately, this trend of 8 episode seasons gives a false expectation about the timeline of romance and love. We see it unfolding in a matter of hours, which unintentionally creates an expectation of immediacy. Sometimes it takes a few strikes to create a spark. Finding a partner takes time, and it is less likely to happen if you are not investing in it.
Should I stop watching romance on TV?
No! Keep watching romance if you like it. I think it is in human nature to be drawn into narratives of connection, love, and of course weddings! However, it is also important to keep a boundary between the depiction of love in fiction and the real life realities of romance. Don’t mistake one for the other.
