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A third of Americans who’ve ever been married may go on to divorce, but this isn’t an option for everyone. Barriers to legally breaking up can include financial constraints, religious or moral prohibitions, cultural values and stigma, fear, or simply practicality.
So, what’s an unhappily married person to do when they’re unable or unwilling to leave a relationship they can’t stand? Following are six tips to make the most out of a marriage that’s making you miserable.
Note: The below is intended for individuals in unhappy but not abusive relationships only. If physical abuse, severe addiction, or exploitation is occurring, prioritize your safety and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline if this is your experience.
1. Accept What You Cannot Change
Accepting what you can’t change (e.g., the fact that your partner is not who you wish they were) is an essential first step in managing your expectations with them and shifting the focus onto what you can control—namely: yourself and your behavior. Acceptance is not an easy task, however, and true acceptance (some call this radical acceptance) involves a difficult period of grieving. Allow yourself to do this. And note: Acceptance does not mean approval or enabling. It simply means letting go of the belief or hope that your partner can change in the exact way you want them to, or that your marriage will morph into the fairy tale you once hoped it would. (Hence the grief.)
2. Contain Your Worries
When you’re committed to someone who has a laundry list of faults and countless moments of breached trust, it can be tempting to ruminate over how awful they are nonstop. You may be tempted to make how unhappy you are in your marriage a regular topic of conversation with friends and family. You may find it difficult to focus on anything else. But the more you rehash how terrible your marriage is, the worse you’re going to feel. To tolerate and make the best of an unsatisfying marriage, limit rumination and constant venting to 15 to 20 minutes a day. Venting and rumination mostly serve to wreck our mood and can interfere with problem-solving. You don’t have to pretend everything’s A-OK, but you can benefit from committing to thinking and talking about anything else outside a daily worry period. When thoughts related to your relationship crop up this time, say to yourself, I will worry about this later or I have already worried about this today. Do this and you’ll find more time and energy for things that enliven rather than drain you. (People may also enjoy your company more.)
3. Shift the Focus Away From Your Partner
Apart from your partner, what else have you got going on in your life—or what might you want to fill your time with? What interests you? What are some of your hobbies or passions? Is there an exercise class or sport you could get into? Is there a community organization you can volunteer at? What else might you be able to take on at work? Should you go back to the workforce if you’re not currently in it? Directing your energy towards something larger than yourself that gives you a sense of meaning, purpose, energy, or connection can benefit you in multiple ways: it gives you something else to focus on, helps you meet other people, and endows you with a sense of satisfaction that your marriage may no longer be able to give you.
4. Be Grateful Even When It Feels Impossible
This may feel impossible. Particularly in your situation. I am not at all advising folks to reframe atrocious treatment (e.g., verbal, physical, or financial abuse) as something that really isn’t that bad. I’m talking about savoring and giving thanks for the good moments you have in a day, including moments of peace with a spouse you may fight with the rest of the time and good moments outside the not-good dynamic between you and your partner. Anything from a delicious cup of coffee to a personal win on the job or a pleasant interaction with a stranger counts. Every day before going to sleep, think of, and re-live, three good things that happened that day. This strategy has been found to improve mood, sleep, and even physical health in different populations.
5. Change How You Relate to Your Partner
Even with the most difficult spouses, we can adjust how we speak to and behave with them to influence our interactions with them. Be aware of your deployment of the so-called Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling (shutting down and shutting out your partner), and contempt. Try to use their opposites: I statements (e.g., instead of “You never do x!” try “I feel ____ about ____; I would really like if_____”) and responsibility taking go a long way towards eliciting less thorniness from your partner. Emotion regulation techniques (deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, holding ice to your chest or splashing cold water on your face; observing your emotion in your body like it’s an object; counting five things around you that are blue before speaking) can prevent you from escalating already fraught interactions.
6. Strengthen Your Support Network
If you’re stuck in a draining relationship, you’re going to need support and distraction. Do fun things with other people. Laugh. Cry. Get out of the house. Listen to what’s bugging them. Let them in on yours (within reason—remember to avoid excessive rumination and venting). Talk with them about topics apart from your relationship. How do you find folks to do these things with? Tap your close and loose ties alike. Invite people you’ve known in the past or casually know in the present to grab a coffee, cocktail, or go for a walk. Check out Meetup.com and local community events (volunteer organizations, professional associations, religious venues; exercise clubs/groups, neighborhood associations, school associations, formal support groups, 12-step groups like Al-Anon or ACOA).
Bearing a marriage that has been drained of love, affection, positive sentiment, and even intimacy is a difficult road for anyone. These tips can be helpful, but it’s also beneficial to work with a therapist trained in marital issues. There’s no need to go through this alone.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
