How to Reach a Child Who Rejects You After Divorce

Daniel tells me his wife has turned their children against him, blaming him for the divorce. Maggie tells me that her children refuse to see her, talk to her, or even respond to text messages. Poppy, who is only 12, says she wants nothing to do with her father and is prepared to starve herself until the judge changes the custody arrangement.

These situations are all too common in divorce and heartbreaking to witness. The rejected parent feels helpless, anguished, and desperate. The child often feels abandoned, enraged, confused, and overwhelmed.

Why do children sometimes reject a parent? It’s complicated.

1. Divorce is emotionally overwhelming for children. They may feel caught in loyalty conflicts or blame one parent for the divorce. They may be anxious about the changes, the custody arrangements, or the financial instability, and cling to one parent for security, rejecting the other.
2. The conflict between the parents is the single most damaging aspect of divorce for children. Parents who speak negatively of each other or pull their children into disputes are setting up a situation where kids feel they need to pick sides. The child may feel they need to support the more vulnerable parent or the parent they believe was “wronged.” Sometimes a parent consciously or unconsciously tries to ally with the children, causing the children to reject or refuse contact with a parent. At times, this evolves into “parental alienation.” Sometimes older children reject both parents.
3. Sometimes the rejection of a parent stems from the relationship or attachment with that parent from before the divorce. If a parent was distant emotionally or less present physically, the child will cling to the parent who has felt more secure or stable.
4. Younger children are apt to cling to the parent who has been their primary attachment, as they fear loss and abandonment. Older kids may have a strong sense of morality or judgment, or anger, and are developmentally more likely to assert their control or independence when their lives feel out of their control.
5. The stressors of divorce can contribute to the rejection. Children are stressed by big changes such as selling the family home, moving, going to a new school, living in two homes, or when there is a new parental partner. Divorces that are litigated, or high-conflict, impact the children, and they may gravitate toward the parent who seems to need their support, or who seems the safest.

The good news is that the rejection often can soften, although this can take time. This happens when the parents end their conflict and find ways to communicate respectfully. The rejected parent stays patient, loving, empathic, calm, and consistent while the child feels safe expressing their emotions. Family therapy can help to rebuild trust.

Daniel and Maggie each grieve the rejection by their children and seek advice. We talk about how to keep the door open to their children, without forcing them to come through it.

What can the rejected parent do when this happens?

1. You can’t control your child’s feelings, but you can control your own behavior. You may not understand why your child has rejected you, but your anger, defensiveness, guilt trips, or manipulative behavior can cause your child to withdraw even more. Remind yourself that your child is emotional, confused, and stressed, so your role is to be consistently calm, warm, and steady, even when your child rejects you.
2. Keep communication open but non-intrusive. Boundaries may be a sensitive issue if your children have refused all communication. Periodically send gentle texts or cards reminding your child that you love them and are here for them. Keep messages brief and loving but without pressure. Remember that you cannot persuade your children to reconnect. The goal is to demonstrate to them that it will be safe for them should they reach out to you. Your child needs to feel that it is okay to love both parents. If you and your child are in contact, focus on listening, asking open-ended questions about their life.
3. Take some time to reflect on your relationship with your child before the divorce. Were you reliably present and emotionally available? You may feel that you need to apologize for behaviors or absences, or any way that you may have contributed to their pain. Even if you feel that you have no reason to apologize, it is always helpful to express empathy.
4. Never badmouth the other parent, even if you believe that parent is alienating the children. Poppy complained about her parents “trash-talking” each other and felt that rejecting her father would end her mother’s vitriol about her father. (It didn’t.)
5. Work through your own grief and emotions with an experienced therapist. You may consider family therapy and/or reunification therapy (which may be court-ordered).

What not to do:

These are traps that will almost certainly undermine your efforts to reconnect. All of these make your child feel controlled and/or unsafe. They never work.

1. Don’t argue with your children about “the truth.” This pushes them back into the loyalty bind. This is one of the hardest challenges for rejected parents.
2. Don’t press them to see you or choose sides.
3. Don’t guilt-trip them. They experience this as manipulative.
4. Don’t pull in other family members (e.g., grandparents, etc.) to advocate for you.
5. Don’t give up and don’t give up hope. Giving up will be felt as another abandonment and may even end the chances of reconciling with them.

The reconciliation or reconnection may take months or years.

The keys are patience and consistency. If your child is open to reconnecting, go slow and keep it safe.

Poppy ultimately sought a relationship with her father after she finished high school. She blamed her mother for turning her against her father, and while she remained in contact with her mother, she kept strict boundaries when her mother began to talk about the divorce.

Daniel eventually reconnected with his children after he remarried and moved to another state. He describes his relationship with his children as cool, and continues to blame his ex-wife for the disruption. He tries to avoid defending himself to his children and notices that “they withdraw when I go down that road.”

Maggie reconnected with her daughter when the daughter married and had a baby, but has only superficial contact with her son. “My daughter and I had a few sessions of therapy, and that really helped to clear the air. I hope my son will agree to this someday, too. I will always keep that door wide open for him.”

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2025