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The holidays bring joy, food, family, and sometimes tough conversations. It can feel impossible to talk across divides right now, but social science offers tools that actually help.
I use a simple framework I call the 5 R’s—respect, relate, reframe, revise, and repeat, that I also describe in my book, Misguided. These aren’t about “winning” a debate; they’re about lowering defensiveness and creating space for mutual understanding.
You also don’t need to engage every time. Choose your moments, and try to know the other person’s goal before diving in, whether that is validation, curiosity, certainty, or simply keeping the peace. With that in mind, let’s jump in.
1. Establish Respect for Each Other
Mutual respect is fundamental for having a productive dialogue. Research shows that people are more likely to reflect on their views and feel satisfied with a conversation when they feel heard and validated. Avoid attacking or shaming, as it often leads to defensiveness.
A new paper describes why and how empathy is also fundamental to this process. Empathy makes difficult conversations more effective because it reduces the psychological threat people feel—both to their identity and to their sense of dignity—when they’re corrected. It also increases trust in the person delivering the correction, making people more open to hearing and accepting accurate information.
To convey respect and empathy during these challenging conversations:
- Use active listening (nods, eye contact, patient pauses) and reflect back what they said to show you genuinely understood it, so the other person feels heard.
- Seek to understand with curiosity and avoid shaming, sarcasm, or hidden contempt.
- Validate their feelings and offer collaborative support instead of immediate correction.
Of course, giving space for empathy can be challenging, and it helps to remember the social and psychological forces that can misguide us. It’s harder to empathize with someone who holds what we think is a “wild” belief, until we recognize how easy it is to absorb false information when you’re overwhelmed. Finally, remember that respect and empathy do not validate the claim, it validates the person’s humanity. And that sets the entire tone for the rest of the conversation.
2. Relate to a Shared Identity
We know that people are less receptive to information when it attacks core values of their identity. However, we can also use this identity process to increase our odds of being heard. People are more receptive to ideas shared by someone they view as “one of us.” The more they see you as sharing groups with them, the better.
That shared identity could be:
- Being from the same town.
- Having kids the same age.
- Caring about the community.
- Sharing a hobby or favorite sports team.
- Or simply being family.
A major research project found that emphasizing shared identity is one of the most effective ways to reduce polarization. Start from connection before moving into disagreement.
3. Reframe Your Message
We naturally explain issues through our own values and interests, but those may not be the values the other person prioritizes. As Liz Marnik often shares, storytelling can be a powerful form of reframing because it invites people into the conversation without demanding immediate agreement. Instead of confrontation, stories open space for curiosity, helping listeners understand not just what you believe but why it matters, and allowing them to imagine themselves caring too.
Another type of reframing is describing the issue we care about in terms that connect to their own moral perspective. Research shows that people are far more receptive when messages are framed in terms of their moral concerns. For example:
David Higgins highlights research on moral framing and vaccine attitudes, showing how deeply people’s values shape their decisions. These moral priorities influence how individuals interpret vaccine risks, benefits, and mandates. It can be challenging to know which frame will resonate, and it often requires understanding where someone is coming from. But the essential first step is recognizing that people view the same issue through very different lenses. Reframing is simply translating your message so it’s more likely to be heard, understood, and genuinely considered.
4. Revise Your Questions
Instead of asking “Why do you believe that?” (which can raise defenses/binary thinking), ask:
- “How does that work, exactly?”
- “How did you come to that conclusion?”
“How” questions promote reflection without priming one to reflect on simplistic narratives that can happen from “why” questions. This can promote more evidence-based thinking. “How” questions also encourage you to examine your own certainty and reasoning, which is just as important.
Psychologist Todd Kashdan’s recent work found that adding a simple “how” question significantly increased people’s curiosity and made them more politically open-minded. This is a small linguistic change, but it can transform the entire tone of a conversation.
5. Repeat
No single holiday conversation is going to fix polarization. But repeated, respectful interactions with people who think differently do help reduce it over time.
Having superficial arguments with strangers online is often a waste of time and energy, and they can even increase polarization. Instead, invest in meaningful, recurring conversations with people you actually know. My research found that maintaining just one close connection who thinks differently from you can significantly reduce polarization. Even as we get better at navigating digital and social spaces, research shows we still need regular reminders and practice to maintain those skills.
One way to bring a conversation back to a productive place is to shift toward broader tactics rather than targeting a specific person or claim. For example: “When I hear new claims about this, I try to pause and ask myself, ‘Where is this coming from, and who benefits if I believe it?’”
It also helps to end the conversation in a way that keeps the door open. You might say, “Thanks for talking about this with me. I appreciate hearing your perspective. I know we see some things differently, but I’m glad we can actually discuss it.”
These steps can be challenging, but they’re worth it. Meaningful relationships with a diverse range of people help reduce polarization and make us all less vulnerable to falsehoods.
The Bottom Line
You don’t need to “win” a holiday debate. You don’t need to debunk every comment. And you definitely don’t need to solve polarization on your own. These five steps can improve your chances of having a productive conversation, or at the very least, help you survive family time during the holidays.
Our goal is simply to create a space where both people feel respected enough to think clearly rather than demonize each other. When repeated over time, this kind of conversation scales up to a healthier, more connected society.
And remember: productive dialogue is a long game, built one meaningful exchange at a time. Happy Thanksgiving and happy holidays!
This post also appears on Misguided: The Newsletter.
