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As a parent coach, I see firsthand how an adult child’s anger cuts deeply. It is not just the words that are spoken in the moment. It is also about the history behind those painful words. Old hurts, unmet expectations, and miscommunications pile up over the years, leading adult children to lash out at their parents in frustration.
Parents in these situations tell me they feel helpless and often confused. They wonder if they should walk away, defend themselves, or feel guilty and apologize.
Perceived Understanding May Be More Crucial Than Love
I have written over the years that understanding is just as important, if not more important, than love. What I mean is that when I ask struggling adult children whether they felt loved by their parents, most (even the more tentative ones) will say, “yes.” Yet, when I ask if they felt understood, I often hear things like, “They just never really got who I am.”
Understanding to the Rescue
As I wrote in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, when adult children lash out in anger, what most often helps is neither a retreat nor a rebuttal. Instead, this five-word phrase often sets the stage for healing:
“I want to understand you.”
This phrase conveys humility, presence, kindness, and love without triggering emotional reactivity.
Why It Works So Well
1. The phrase I want to understand you helps your adult child feel heard rather than corrected. When your child senses your desire to understand, their anger softens. With this five-word phrase, you are saying, “I’m not here to try to win an argument. I am here to listen.”
2. You are acknowledging their emotional reality. Even if your adult child’s tone or perspective seems unfair, that is how they see it. Your willingness to understand their experience validates them, without you needing to agree to every detail. As I say to my parent coaching clients, “Acknowledging does not mean completely agreeing.”
3. The phrase invites connection rather than control. Many parents tell me they hear their adult children tell them they feel invalidated. Saying, I want to understand you, you are conveying that you want your adult child to have emotional ownership of what is important to them.
Examples In Action
Scenario 1: The Seemingly False Accusation
Your son says, “You never supported me growing up!”
You feel an irresistible urge to say, “That’s not true.” You want to spew forth all the things you did for him.
But instead, you pause and softly say, “I want to understand you better.”
He hesitates and shifts from being loaded for bear to saying how alone he felt in high school. The tone shifts from direct confrontation to collaborative exploration.
Scenario 2. The Sudden Blow Up
Your daughter screams, “You always criticize me.”
You say, “I want to understand you better.”
You remind yourself that this is not about a debate. It is about keeping the door open so your daughter does not slam it shut.
Scenario 3. The Old Wound
An argument about family boundaries and fairness over the perception that you favor a sibling spirals into old history.
You imagine suspending yourself on the ceiling and looking down (when you observe from above, you lower your reactivity). Then you say, I want to understand you better. You model emotional steadiness and help reduce your adult child’s reactivity.
Final Thoughts
This one phrase won’t negate years of hurt, but it signals a readiness for empathy over debate and curiosity over correction. When you respond to your adult child’s anger with a desire to better understand them, you convey that you are emotionally safe, present, and willing to listen.
