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Maryanne feels blah. The news gets her down. Her work role has shifted slightly, and is now a bit busier and less interesting. Her dad recently had to stop driving, and watching him lose some independence and spark is sad.
She’s not depressed, but her zest to grow and improve feels distant. It’s been 10 years since she completed a Master’s on top of full-time work, and she wonders where that energy and ambition came from. That person seems far away now.
Like many of us, Maryanne has internalized a specific model of growth, that’s about setting a clear goal, and pursuing it relentlessly and stoically. That’s such a dominant model of self-improvement, we may not realize it’s not the only model.
If you feel like Maryanne and your desire to self-improve has been suppressed by life’s challenges and complexities, consider the following ways to grow that emerge from life’s messiness, rather than frame the texture of your life as a distraction or threat to your goals.
1. Grow Through Smart Flexibility Rather Than Greater Rigidity
A lot of self-improvement emphasizes succeeding through greater rigidity: being consistent no matter what, sticking to routines and meeting expectations no matter what is happening inside or around you. That is seen as strong.
In a way it is, but it can also be a method people use when they don’t have other, more subtle gears to access. They only know how to approach growth at full gas.
A different way to succeed is through smart flexibility, adjusting intelligently rather than forcing yourself to push through.
This only works when you don’t depend on rigidity as your main way to stay committed to a goal.
Maryanne resonates with this. She has health goals, and approaching them with smart flexibility, like adjusting whether she strength trains for growth or maintenance in any given week, appeals to her.
Smart flexibility is about self-trust and responsiveness, and about having gears and skills beyond grit.
2. Grow From What Life Serves Up, Rather Than Always Goal-Setting
We don’t only grow when we’re flying high or from major traumas. We can also grow from the full spectrum of life experiences.
When you have any level of responsibility, almost any day will serve up an opportunity to grow. When we narrow our view of what causes us to grow, we exclude many of the opportunities life gives us.
For example, today I needed to deal with a medical billing error. I told myself I had the opportunity to handle it better than I usually would. The specific self-talk I landed on was, “This doesn’t even reach the top 100 (or probably 500) of stressful things you’ve dealt with in your life.” I was happy and a bit surprised how well this self-talk worked.
Mentally scan through the last week for moments you could have used to build your resilience or mental fortitude. This isn’t to Monday morning quarterback, but to learn how to spot these by first doing it retroactively.
This growth mindset might feel like it would require extra effort when you don’t have much reserve but, paradoxically, trying to thrive is often easier than trying to survive.
3. Respond to Being Knocked Off Course by Going Back to Basics
We all have things that knock us off course. We get sick, or our kids do, and we can’t go to the gym for a few days, and all of a sudden we’re not going at all.
Or we’re working hard on our finances or eating, and something happens that feels like it blows up weeks or months of good habits and effort.
When this happens, respond with gentle focus. Recommit to where you want to be in five years, not one year. Growth isn’t always up and to the right. Often we need to go back to basics rather than pick up exactly where we left off.
Find the maturity to return to your most stable base of foundational habits. Each time you do, your base becomes steadier.
Embrace smart flexibility rather than greater rigidity, as described in point 1.
4. Try Curiosity-Driven Rather Than Transformation-Focused Self Experiments
You’ve no doubt seen social media posts along the lines of, “I tried X for 100 days and Y happened.”
Consider trying one of these experiments, but anchored in curiosity rather than transformation or optimization. The distinction is subtle. For example, you try a topical retinoid for your skin, not because of some big goal to look better or optimize your skin, but because you’re mildly curious what difference it might make.
Some experiments might be suited to a particular length, but often 100 days is arbitrary, and you could pick any reasonable length you like.
What tiny experiment would feel completely insignificant on day 1 or day 3, but by day 100 would show something interesting about how you respond to a new routine?
Sometimes we’ve only learned how to try new habits in the foreground of our lives, by making them a priority. Developing the skill of doing it in the background, without it becoming a major focus, opens up many more options.
Growth Doesn’t Require Buying Into the Dominant Model of Self-Improvement
It can seem like there’s only one way to self-improve. There isn’t. However, there is a very dominant model of self-improvement that gets presented: relentless, stoic pursuit of a clear goal.
You don’t have to be compulsively on top of your game to grow. Growth can emerge from the chaos of everyday life, not just from proactive goal-setting. It can be drawn from friction, fatigue, or the mundane.
We don’t need to buy into perfectionist or hustle culture to succeed at personal growth. We can grow without being more rigid, without setting clear goals, and without transforming ourselves. Allow the specific examples here to help you chart your own growth course, explore beyond culturally dominant stereotypes of self-improvement, and create a personal culture of growth that works for you.
