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Paige tried hard to protect her younger siblings. The oldest of four, she took responsibility for making sure they were fed and clothed before sending them to the bus stop each morning. Her parents frequently used substances, leaving the children alone most days. Paige thought she was doing a good job hiding the neglect and abuse they experienced at home, so she felt blindsided when a teacher made a report to child protection.
As a result, a social worker visited weekly for a few months to “check on things.” Paige quickly learned to notice anything out of order in the house, picking up beer bottles or remnants of substance use binges before their monthly appointment. Rather than providing relief, these visits made things worse: Paige and her siblings learned not to share anything with teachers or outsiders ever again. She carried the trauma of her experiences, along with the heavy burden of guilt and shame for not being able to protect her younger siblings.
Shame and self-blame: a common result of abuse for many survivors
In childhood, we lack the emotional and cognitive maturity to fully understand the harm that comes from those we depend on for safety and love. To cope with fear, helplessness, and confusion, many of us blamed ourselves. This self-blame can create a false sense of control in a chaotic environment and allows us to preserve an emotional bond with caregivers, even if those caregivers are also the source of harm. For the developing brain, believing we had some control over our caregivers’ actions can make the environment feel less scary because it creates some sense of predictability and control.
“We were children taking on too much blame for dysfunction that was not our responsibility” –Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families.
Shame is characterized by feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and the belief that one is fundamentally flawed or unworthy of love and acceptance. For survivors of child abuse, shame is a huge part of us. Internalized shame can lead to a constant sense of guilt and self-blame, making us feel responsible not only for the abuse or the dysfunction in our families but also for any abuse or dysfunction we are experiencing in adult relationships. Early beliefs about worth and safety often remain well into adulthood, leaving survivors feeling guilt even when asserting their needs or simply making mistakes.
Learning often means recognizing that these behavior patterns were rooted in survival
Shame and self-blame can blind us to the fact that many of our behaviors began as survival strategies. Staying silent out of fear, or sometimes lashing out to protect ourselves, are both ways we try to stay safe. But shame quickly takes over, limiting self-awareness and creating a cycle: We act to survive, then punish ourselves for those very actions.
In adult relationships, this can show up as over-functioning, people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, or other behaviors that reinforce the cycle of abuse and domestic violence. This is because abuse and shame narrow perspective, making harmful dynamics feel familiar and even deserved while simultaneously silencing the parts of the self that might recognize and point out maltreatment, or even ask for help. The threat of shame is so painful and unbearable that it can lead us to continue the dysfunctional cycle of abuse, believing we are wrong and defective and will therefore deserve to be treated badly in adult relationships.
Like Paige, who learned early on that speaking up only led to more harm, adults carrying this kind of shame often replay the same relational patterns rooted in survival. Shame has taught them that putting up with maltreatment is safer than speaking up and risking abandonment. As adults, these early beliefs often remain.
Healing involves unlearning
Healing begins with recognizing areas of shame and self-blame and working to unlearn them. This means noticing patterns where you stay silent instead of speaking up, or where you may overreact in an attempt to protect yourself.
Today, take small steps toward giving yourself permission to assert your needs, while also reminding yourself that you are safe even if you set boundaries with others.
Excerpted, in part, from my book The Cycle Breaker’s Guide to Healthy Relationships.
