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Relationships are hard work; it’s a well-known, well-founded cliché. Part of that work, many of us have learned, goes into communication—trying to make clear to your partner what you want, and to understand what they want, despite all the noise and mistaken assumptions inherent in human connection. But sometimes, communication between partners fails to achieve clarity and directness; sometimes it leans into passive-aggressive criticisms instead. We’ve all been there, and we have likely felt uncomfortable when someone lands a jab against their partner in our presence. The partner ends up feeling embarrassed and may struggle to reply, since they usually can’t respond in kind without escalating the conflict in public. These passive-aggressive slights can be broken down into a number of recognizable categories, and research shows that undermining your partner in this way can have serious negative consequences for your relationship.
“He says she’s ‘almost ready’—that usually means another half hour.”
“She’s great at trivia…as long as the questions are about reality TV.”
“He thinks he’s an amazing dancer—wait till you see this.”
In this case, one partner makes a “playful” effort to tease the other by exaggerating their flaws in public and trying to play them off as humor. Perhaps they really do mean it in a neutral or gentle way, but for whatever reason, the tone or the timing is off, and it comes out as a barely veiled attack in which the audience is used as a buffer against a retort. Alternatively, perhaps they intend to exaggerate their partner’s flaws in an effort to crack a joke:
“You’re so cute when you try to do math.”
“She doesn’t know anything about politics. I’m basically her second brain.”
“He tried to fix the sink once. All I can say about that is plumbers charge extra for an emergency appointment.”
Another version of this passive-aggressive attack is revealing your partner’s quirks to other people, in ways that aren’t as “cute” as they appear to be. Again, the effort here is to hide a public undermining beneath what has the appearance of a group-appropriate anecdote. In so doing, one partner is actually exposing private information—weaknesses or personal bits of shame that they’ve learned by being in the relationship, and that other people might not, or should not, know.
“They have to sleep with the light on—like a little kid. Don’t worry, honey, I’ll protect you.”
“He still can’t figure out how to use the remote.”
“She panics if the Wi-Fi goes out—it’s like he goes into withdrawal.”
In the case of correcting one’s partner in public, some public remarks may seem harmless but have the effect of casting doubt on the other’s reliability. In a group setting, the partner being corrected may not feel comfortable defending themselves, for the sake of “saving face” in public—which means they’ll just have to smile and laugh along as they’re characterized as forgetful or even rationalizing. But the implication lands, and stings, nevertheless.
“Oh, honey, it was three years ago, not five.”
“She means four glasses of wine. At the very least.”
“Let me handle the check. Last time you gave 2 percent instead of 20.”
The last type of passive-aggressive behavior I’ll cite is the most difficult to catch, because it’s totally nonverbal. Some people make a habit of rolling their eyes when their partner speaks, as if to signal the audience that they, too, know that the partner is not a reliable narrator. Yawns or heavy sighs could also be employed to this effect; even crossing one’s arms or looking away from the person speaking can signal impatience. More subtly, when one partner is telling a story and asks another for a detail, that second partner may choose instead to sabotage the anecdote by failing to play along.
Even if an instance of public undermining passes quickly or seems to land gently, research shows that there’s nothing innocent or harmless about these passive-aggressive quips: they have real, measurable downstream effects. Remarks like these are not the “opposite” of supportive contacts with your partner: they have their own, independent, negative effects on psychological well-being, and can’t be negated by positive remarks made later on (as Vinokur & van Ryn found in a classic 1993 study). More recently, in 2024, while taking an experimental look at the everyday communication between members of romantic couples, Ryjova et al. were able to show that flashes of hostility, withdrawal, or stonewalling were clearly associated with overall reductions in relationship satisfaction and escalating conflict later on. And this year, LaBuda et al. studied the daily diaries of couples who lived together, finding that even small undermining behaviors (and each partner’s perceptions thereof) could lead to relationship stress and dissatisfaction.
If your partner behaves this way with you—if, perhaps, you catch them lobbing lightly insulting remarks toward you in public, in ways that seem like jokes but aren’t funny—there are steps to take to initiate change. First, be clear with yourself that it won’t help to get angry. Your partner isn’t up for direct conflict; they’ve signaled this much already by avoiding it. Don’t escalate. It will be better to find a neutral (and private) way to talk to your partner about their hurtful remarks. Ask them what they were trying to point out when they spoke up. Try not to accuse them of anything in particular; say what your feelings were, without implying that they deliberately caused you to feel that way. Then establish a clear boundary about the remarks or slights you experienced: Say that you didn’t feel good about hearing them and would like it if remarks like that could be avoided in the future. Ask them to speak to you one-on-one about anything they’d like to bring up.
As you do this, be aware that you’re not only trying to guide your partner toward better behavior—you’re also being more assertive, and thus, taking better care of yourself.
