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Jayla and Mark are a high-functioning couple. They developed a strong connection in law school, partly over priding themselves on being so-called type-A personalities, as they are both highly driven, productive, and achievement-oriented. Once they joined forces, there was nothing they couldn’t do. They are both professionally successful, with three happy, stable kids, and very full, busy lives. Although they have many strengths, Jayla and Mark are both privately feeling bored in their relationship. When they do come together, it is mostly to talk about logistics with the kids or to troubleshoot and problem-solve the various issues in their household. They are dependable and truly a team in running their life together. At the same time, they are recognizing something important is missing.
Competence is a highly desirable trait and an important one for healthy functioning adulthood. When it goes unchecked, however, it can become a defense. Being on top of everything can bring on a false sense of invincibility. This there-is-no-problem-I-can’t-solve framework leads to difficulty being present, sitting with difficult emotions, and being vulnerable. What once started as a great love can turn into a business.
This pattern can develop from childhood. In the case of Jayla and Mark, they both grew up with financial and family instability. Their goal-directed productivity helped Jayla and Mark give their kids the kind of stability they never had. At the same time, hyperfunctioning can go into overdrive, becoming the only connection in the relationship.
- Pause: The next time your partner brings up an issue, take a deep breath and pause before trying to fix what is at hand. Instead, say something emotional instead of practical: “Oh, that sounds hard.” “How disappointing.” “I am sorry you are having to do all of this.”
- Talk about your process: You don’t have to have all of the answers. Instead of going away and figuring out a way to handle a situation, just share where your head is: “I am realizing I am very overwhelmed.” “I am not even sure where to start with this.”
- Learn to sit with uncertainty: Competence brings anxiety down. After all, if there is an answer for everything, then nothing is uncertain, and life will be tidy and neat at all times. Of course, reality doesn’t work this way, and you find yourself constantly on a hamster wheel solving problems to relieve anxiety. Another way is to start sitting with uncertainty. Don’t fix it. Just let it be. Breathe, journal, remind yourself that you can’t fix all of the uncertainty in the world.
- Practice expressing emotional needs: When in an over-functioning relationship, all dependency needs play out through logistical operations. Dependency needs are normal and are what keep couples together. Instead of relying on your partner for a task: “Can you take out the garbage?” Ask for something emotional: “I feel really unsure of myself right now, can you reassure me?”
- Intimacy means mutual dependence: When we are over-focused on optimizing, we miss valuable opportunities for connection and deep friendship. All the planning in the world doesn’t fill that intimate space that makes a person feel seen, accepted, and like someone truly gets them.
