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One persistent and damaging myth about narcissistic relationships is the idea that only the naïve, dependent, or psychologically injured get pulled into them. This belief not only misrepresents reality, but it also actively strengthens survivors’ shame and self-blame.
In truth, strategies like gaslighting don’t work despite strength. Gaslighting works because of the strengths in the victim. Empathy, self-reflection, openness, and relational responsibility are all core traits essential for developing intimacy and a meaningful, purpose-driven life. And these traits are precisely what narcissistic dynamics exploit.
Many survivors of narcissistic relationships are perceptive, capable, psychologically literate people who are used to examining themselves reflectively and honestly. They appreciate that people are imperfect and operate on the premise that intimacy takes time to grow and is a mutual goal. However, these very healthy and normal traits become the very lever used to eventually try to diminish and erase them.
As psychologist and academic Dr. Ramani Durvasula aptly puts it, narcissists are not hunting the weak. They are hunting lions. Lions are powerful: muscular, fast, equipped with teeth and claws. But the lion doesn’t initially understand that the hunter is operating within a different frame entirely. The lion brings its marvelous strengths to a gunfight. That mismatch, not the lion’s weakness, is where the danger lies.
What Gaslighting Does to the Mind
Gaslighting is not simply “lying.” It is the epistemic destabilization, the systematic erosion of trust in one’s own perception, memory, and emotional reality. Over time, the lion comes to learn that clear evidence will be dismissed, emotional reactions will be reframed as pathology, certainty will be labeled paranoia, and confusion will be blamed on instability.
Even when confronted with facts, the narcissistic gaslighter will often insist you are wrong, dramatic, imagining things, or crazy. The result may be compliance, but gaslighting primarily causes cognitive confusion and anxiety. The mind begins to ruminate, endlessly trying to reconcile incompatible realities. Importantly, this is not a failure of intelligence. It is simply the consequence of sustained psychological contradiction.
Why Strong, High-Functioning People Are Targeted
Narcissists feed on specific strengths in others to ultimately prop up their own fragile self-esteem. High-functioning people who are strong and bring something to the table reflect well on the narcissist and do exactly this. The strong victim often displays:
- Empathy, which can lead to benefit-of-the-doubt thinking
- Self-reflection, which can increase the willingness to question oneself
- Relational responsibility, which can create temporary tolerance for imbalance
- Openness, which can allow emotional access and the potential for true connection
- Psychological insight, which can fuel getting stuck in analysis
High-functioning individuals are often accustomed to growth through self-reflection. In healthy relationships, this is an asset. However, in narcissistic interactions, it becomes a trap. When something feels off, strong people don’t immediately flee. Instead, they try to understand and engage in sense-making. That impulse keeps them engaged long enough for some level of distortion to take hold.
Confusion, Not Cruelty, Is the Primary Weapon
While cruelty certainly appears in the narcissist’s repertoire, it is inconsistency and intermittent reinforcement that do the most damage. Intermittent reinforcement, periods of warmth, connection, or idealization followed by withdrawal, contempt, or coldness, creates a powerful psychological hook. The nervous system becomes preoccupied with restoring the good version of the relationship and reasons it can’t be that bad. It is not for nothing that intermittent reinforcement underlies many addictions.
Narcissism Essential Reads
The classic cycle when interacting with narcissists is: love bombing, followed by devaluation. Devaluation followed by scorn and discard. Discard followed by possible hoovering. All the while, the mind keeps searching for coherence: Which version or parts of this relationship are real? Will it go back to the good version of it? Indeed, it is confusion, not punishment, that keeps people stuck and coming back.
Why Survivors Blame Themselves After Leaving
After narcissistic relationships end, many survivors experience:
- Hindsight bias (“I should have known”)
- Grief for both the person and the imagined future
- Shame for staying or trying and for not “noticing” earlier
- Anger that arrives late and feels frightening
These reactions are not signs of weakness. Instead, they are part of cognitive and emotional integration. It is the healthy brain trying to make sense of a reality that was deliberately scrambled. Self-blame is often a final attempt to reclaim control over what transpired: If it was my fault, then it was preventable. But narcissistic dynamics are very difficult to detect in the early stages. What becomes more important is a clean cut once you notice the patterns, and you can safely leave.
What Recovery Requires
Recovery begins when hope for change in the narcissist ends. Narcissistic abuse steals something fundamental: authorship of one’s reality. Healing requires radical acceptance of their true nature and their inability to change into a healthier psychological constellation. As a first step, it requires clarity that:
- This will not change.
- It was never personal.
- It could not have unfolded differently.
- Hoping for accountability is a huge barrier to recovery and thriving.
Grief is healthy. You are not only mourning a relationship but a narrative, a story of what you thought was real. For many people, rumination is one of the most painful fallouts of narcissistic abuse. There is no solution, though, nothing that can be solved, no insight that will suddenly make it all make sense. Instead, endless rumination can fuel powerlessness and depression. It is difficult to understand this form of trauma, and it often needs space, language, and validation. Therapy is not indulgent here; it is reparative.
To survive a narcissistic relationship of any sort is not a failure of judgment. Instead, it is evidence of the extraordinary endurance and strength of the lion.
Strength Was Never the Problem
Strength was never lacking in the lion; instead, it was leeched from it.
Your empathy, depth, insight, and capacity for connection were exploited. Recovery is not about becoming harder or more closed. It is about reclaiming your authority over your own perceptions. Gaslighting disorients the strong because strength includes good faith. Healing restores the right to hold reality firmly again.
And if you are reading this and recognizing yourself as a survivor, one thing deserves to be said plainly: You are a lion tougher than hell.
