970x125
Whether it is the parents on your child’s sports team, a group of people who live in the same cul-de-sac, or your team at work, people in a group can turn toxic quickly. Four signs may signify that it is not a healthy situation, and knowing how to deal with it may protect you.
Four signs indicate that you are involved in such a group.
First, you discover that the people in the group have been talking negatively about you behind your back. Hurt and confused, you wrack your brain for anything that you may have done to upset somebody, but nothing comes to mind. You always strive to be kind and respectful to everyone with whom you spend time.
Second, the people in the group who were once friendly and warm are cold and curt. They dismiss you when you try to join the discussion, and they continually give you the cold shoulder. Enduring this treatment from people who you thought cared about you can be painful and humiliating.
Third, you learn that they have excluded you from get-togethers that you used to be invited to. This is confirmation that all the “weirdness” you have been feeling with the group is not in your head. It is real.
Fourth, when you try to talk to a trusted member of the group in confidence, this person immediately goes back to the group and tells them everything you said, and now the group is furious with you.
Alternatively, in healthy groups, issues are dealt with directly and resolved quickly. Back-handed conversations that target one person in the group are rare. Moreover, a person’s actions and words are not twisted and skewed behind their back to vilify them. In a safe group, if a person makes a mistake, the group may hold them accountable, but then they are forgiven, and people move forward positively. Typically, everyone learns from it.
If you are in a harmful group and there is no way to exit it immediately, three tips may help:
Do not try to get people to see the toxicity. They will not, and it may escalate the drama to epic proportions and sabotage your mental health further. Instead, try to detach from the group as much as possible.
Avoid trying to uncover what they are doing and how they are doing it. Rise above it. You are not petty, destructive, or manipulative; you do not have to play their games or stoop to their level.
Appear unaffected. This may be the most effective tool. The group’s goal, unfortunately, is to hurt you, and as sad as it is, they get satisfaction out of inflicting emotional pain. This may be because they are jealous of you and cannot constructively manage their envy. Instead, they seek to sabotage the threat to their ego. (Note that you may not feel unaffected, but it is important to seem indifferent. This takes away their power, which they do not like.)
Protect your interests. If this group is your team at work, make sure you are protecting your work, documenting everything, and implementing healthy boundaries. Perhaps it is the parents on your child’s sports team. If this is the case, try to empower and encourage your child as much as possible and get them extra training free from the dysfunctional parents’ involvement. If it is your friend group, try to spend time with friends outside of this group and pick up a new hobby to distract yourself. This will also provide you with an opportunity to make new friends.
Whatever sort of group, remember that destructive people are the problem, not you. You know this because you would never treat them like they have treated you. As difficult as it is to accept, they are doing you a favor by showing you who they really are. Lastly, please know that you are not alone. Many people are going through the same thing, and they are with you in spirit.
