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Existential anxiety and giftedness seem to go hand in hand, which makes sense if you think of giftedness as, at least in part, a preoccupation with problem-solving. Death and life’s meaning are the ultimate riddles, embodying the ultimate challenge. So, on the foundation of anxiety and depression, fear of the unknown, need for control and stability, avoidant tendencies, competitiveness, perfectionism (i.e., needing to know everything to feel secure), and the obsession with discovering root causes (or essences), gifted children are often fixated on life’s deeper questions. Arguably, existential thought, in general, is an outgrowth of these unique personalities.
Parents may struggle with confronting these challenges. Much of the time, they feel inept, blaming themselves for not having the answers or for failing to comfort their gifted child. However, it’s important to note that these kids may be redirecting their own internal pressure to find answers onto you and that your job is to help them, to the extent possible, tolerate uncertainty — that’s it. Parents can feel terrified of these sorts of conversations because they may trigger their own existential fears, make them feel obligated to have answers, and/or make them feel inferior if their own beliefs are challenged or if they can’t keep up with their kid’s line of questioning. Learning what drives these preoccupations can help parents better navigate their children’s fears.
Gifted children often don’t want answers
This is important to remember. Your gifted kid likely doesn’t necessarily want answers; more than anything else, they’re often looking for a sounding board to help them answer the questions themselves. The best example of this comes to us from David Bather Woods, who wrote, in his biography on philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, “…full intellectual ownership can only be guaranteed by thinking for yourself: ‘Truth that is merely learned sticks to us like an artificial limb, a false tooth, a waxx nose,’ Schopenhauer wrote, ‘but what is acquired through one’s own thinking resembles the natural limb, and it alone truly belongs to us.’” Regardless of whether you disagree with Schopenhauer about what constitutes knowledge or believe he’s only partially right, he expressed something meaningful about how gifted people, among whom he can be counted, think. Something that therapists have always known, and which proves itself to be true repeatedly in my sessions with my patients, is that people, especially those gifted, are more likely to have convictions if they’re only aided, not formed, by others. This means that gifted people prefer good questions, not great answers, or ideas that help them formulate their own. In a way, treatment with them is often easy because they do much of the heavy-lifting, as is true in their interactions with loved ones.
Existential worries are sometimes veiled personal fears
Gifted children struggle with vulnerability and, thus, find it hard to admit their perceived weaknesses. Instead of discussing their worries about not being good enough or smart enough, they may benefit from the attention and comfort received from expressing existential worries — it’s an indirect way of being soothed. Sometimes, it may help to ask your child if discussing the meaning of life or inevitable death is a way to avoid talking about some of their more personal angst. You can also reassure them that discussing their personal struggles may be more helpful than exploring existential fears because personal problems are easier to resolve or at least manage. If they don’t think so, that may be worth exploring.
Gifted children want to eat their cake and have them, too
Problem-solving and anxiety go hand in hand — the bigger the problem, the more severe the anxiety. When someone advises a gifted child to use their own coping mechanisms, usually some form of distraction, they’re often met with resistance. Parents are frequently left feeling frustrated because, on the one hand, the kid expresses a need to be soothed and, on the other, rejects advice. What’s missed is the awareness of the desire for the impossible — to continue to problem solve and search for life’s essence without experiencing the intense anxiety stemming from and contributing to that pursuit. We can’t have it both ways, so the child would at some stage, especially when older, need to hold themselves accountable, choosing between existential thought and comfort, at least at times. Obviously, they hope to find a resolution to finally quell their fears for good. But, parents should remind themselves that their strong-willed children may need to experience life’s limitations (e.g., the inevitable link between anxiety and ambition/obsessiveness) for themselves before believing they can’t have it all and need to choose.
Engaging is connecting
Gifted children often look to feel less isolated, so being able to identify with their worries can make them feel human. Widening their lens while looking outward, it’s easy to believe they’re the only ones who think about death so consistently. It can help to know that others have similar worries and don’t really have many answers. This can help the gifted child take it less personally that they don’t have answers and need to obsess over the questions. Others having similar worries and only partial answers also models “good-enough,” in the form of good-enough answers or those that help in part, even though they don’t meet one’s main objective. One existential fear is of dying alone, and having to go through the great transition by oneself; but, it can be soothing to know that, in reality, we all die together, as we live together (at least in some sense): all is existentially equal. It won’t be as though some will receive the joy of immortality while others won’t; each of us, even if separated, follows a similar path, whatever that might turn out to be. This existential truth becomes evident when we engage with each other on these difficult topics.
