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My husband is gesturing wildly but quietly for me to come to the front window.
“Hawk!” He says. “I think it caught something in its talons.”
We stare across the canyon to one of the red-tailed hawk’s favorite posts before deciding to get the binoculars and head outside.
“I saw a bird today,” he ribs me and passes the binoculars.
We don’t need to try the bird test; we’re both really into birds.
The viral “bird test” is positioned as a relationship test: If, after you state that you saw a bird, your partner asks questions or shows interest, then your relationship is in good shape, according to the challenge. However, if you’re met with disinterest, a curt reply, or are ignored, the theory is that your partner may not be invested in or care about you or your interests.
There’s some validity to the idea that acts of connection (sharing what you love or showing affection, for example) are ideally met with reciprocity. We want our partners to attend to us and volley the connection attempts. However, if your partner “failed the bird test,” do not despair. There are many reasons a loved one may not reply in the manner or timing you expect, and many of these reasons are not at all personal, nor do they reflect a lack of connection.
Replying to the start of a conversation requires executive functions like managing attention, task switching, and working memory. In order to reply quickly and appropriately, our brains have to identify the need to move our attention from the current task to the speaker, refocus our attention there, and put the words and ideas into working memory in order to then form a reply. It’s a cognitive load that’s also affected by fatigue, stress levels, distractions, and even biological factors like hydration levels. I imagine you’ve needed a minute to reply to someone who asks you a question while you’re in the middle of writing an email, reflecting not your disinterest but your need to protect your processing load.
If you happened to try to announce that you saw a bird while your partner was reading or deeply focused on making the perfect pour-over coffee, your words may not have been received fully. Your partner may appear to ignore you or not ask follow-up questions because their brain wasn’t ready to receive and comprehend what you were saying. And while this feels personal, and you can’t see what’s going on inside of them, it’s often simply that their attention wasn’t fully on you or wasn’t on you long enough to encode your words to memory.
To complicate the situation, if your partner struggles with attention and grew up getting feedback that they need to “listen more” or “pay attention,” they may have created knee-jerk reactions to respond as if they’re attending to the speaker, whether that’s true or not. These coping mechanisms may lead them to reply in affirming, socially appropriate ways, like “mm-hmm,” or “that’s good,” so that they avoid being scolded for not listening. However, because these reactions are immediate, they may not actually reflect listening or comprehension.
People with executive dysfunction may have social challenges; they may struggle to maintain conversations or reply to texts, and not for lack of effort or connection. Showing love and maintaining relationships takes executive function, and you can support your partner with these skills.
If you suspect this is sometimes the case, talk with your partner about how to tell if they’re ready for conversation and how they can either switch into listening mode or ask for a bit more time to finish what they’re doing. In our household, we ask, “Is your brain available?” before launching into new ideas or more extended conversations, so the speaker is ready to be heard and the listener is able to give their full attention. It’s not a perfect system, but it really helps avoid hurt feelings and missed messages.
If your partner didn’t reply the way you expected during the bird test, challenge yourself to consider the many potential reasons. This could be an opportunity to explore what attention and working memory feel like for them, possibly parlaying into creating strategies to support your household’s executive function needs.
