970x125
We all have expectations of our children. We are conscious of some of these — and less conscious of others. I want to talk about several issues regarding these expectations.
First, as soon as we think about having a baby, we imagine what that baby will be like: what they might look like, what their personality might be like, what their abilities might be. Often we hope for a child who will be a particular way, or have particular skills and abilities. If school was important for us, we might hope for a child who is “smart” and does well in school. The opposite may result in the same outcome: If we didn’t have a chance to go to college or graduate school ourselves, we might hope for a child who does just this.
It is important to be aware of these expectations and to ask ourselves whether they leave room for our child to be who they are and to establish their own goals.
Second, it is important to look at what our expectations do to our children. If we expect our children to get all A’s, what happens if they turn out to have a learning disability and reading or math just doesn’t come easily to them? How will they feel about themselves when they come home with B’s or C’s…or worse?
Or what if we want our kids to be athletes? What if it turns out that they prefer to sit and read, or they just aren’t immediately skilled at sports? Will we be disappointed? And will they pick up on that disappointment? And what will this do to their motivation? Will they try harder? Or give up? Will they feel badly about themselves? Less confident?
For a while everyone was talking about Brie Larson’s YouTube content. She said, famously, “My job is 98% failure.” She talked about how many times she was turned down for parts in TV and movies before she got anything significant at all.
Perhaps we need to think less about what we want out of our children and more about how to help them to be more like Larson. Perhaps we need to think less about wanting them to succeed all the time and instead, help them to learn how to fail. Because Larson is right: Life is full of little failures. And if our children are to be successful, we have to help them to learn how to live through failure, keep trying, and not let failures define who they are.
Perhaps it is more helpful as a parent to think about how we are going to talk to our children when they don’t get an A or when they don’t make the team or get the part in the school play. All children experience these disappointments and all children feel badly about them.
Here are some things you can do as a parent:
1. Make goals small. Starting in infancy, when your baby is trying to learn something new, encourage them. But also, watch out if you notice yourself comparing what your baby is doing to what other babies are doing.
2. Concentrate on your own child. Stay in the moment with your own baby. Stay with them where they are
3. Make your goals for your child small. Help them to accomplish tiny milestones; for example, an extra minute of tummy time, one new word, one spoonful of a new food.
4. Help build frustration tolerance. When they get frustrated, whether it’s building a tower that won’t stay up, or learning the letter B, just tell them, “It’s hard. But it’s OK. We’ll try again later.” Build in the idea that some things are difficult but you can keep trying….after you’re done being frustrated.
5. Check your own expectations. As children get older, keep checking your expectations, keep setting your goals small and keep helping your child to keep their goals small. For some kids, a more appropriate expectation than getting all A’s is establishing longer and longer periods of doing homework. For a child who can’t sit still for an hour, success means doing 20 minutes of homework when they only used to be able to do five.
6. Normalize failure. Tell your child your own stories of failure. Tell them how you reacted. Tell them about Larson and what she said and how she persevered through lots and lots of failure.
7. Talk to your children. Talk about how hard it is to not get what you want or to succeed in the way they want. Talk to them about frustrated feelings and how hard they are. Encourage them to take breaks when they are frustrated with a math problem or with their average when shooting baskets. Encourage them to come back to the activity later when they feel less frustrated or tired.
We want our children to learn how to live in the real world and to endure both the downs and the ups of life. It is important that we think about how to best do this — and how our own expectations may play a part in how our children do or do not “succeed” and ultimately feel about themselves as people.
