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As a psychologist interested in challenges throughout the life cycle, I have had the pleasure of working with those just beginning their life journey and those at the end. Not surprisingly, many people tend to have regrets at the end of their life. After all, it is difficult to say goodbye with goals left incomplete and dreams unfulfilled. The most regrets, according to end-of-life interviews, tend to be related to the things not done versus things that were done in life, even if the latter did not work out.
Armed with this knowledge, I work with my younger adult patients to help them more clearly identify their goals and remove the psychological obstacles impeding their action before they turn into regrets. For some patients, it is as if they are living their life “on hold.” An obscure phenomenon may help explain why this might be. Delayed Life Syndrome (or Deferred Living Syndrome) is not a mental health diagnosis or disorder. Rather, it is a way of living in which one’s present is essentially sacrificed at the expense of a future happiness that may never occur. This is different from delayed gratification, such as deferring spending in order to save for a house. In that case, the goal is clear, and the outcome has a reasonable chance of occurring with proper planning. With Deferred Life Syndrome, the reward never comes.
The following questions may help you understand this phenomenon. And if you are struggling with it, the related suggestions may help you to take action to recognize and overcome it.
Why Do People Delay Living?
There are many answers to this, including simple procrastination; unrealistic life expectations; fear of failure; or conflicts around being more successful than peers or parents. When I see this in my office, it often appears logical at first. It might be the young woman who is delaying having a relationship until her career is established. Or it may be the couple who have been considering moving to another state for years. As time wears on, it becomes clear that it is less about planning for the future and more about psychological conflicts around it.
Ways to Overcome Delayed Life Syndrome
Being aware that you might be putting off major life decisions is a good start. It is important to be honest with yourself. Ask trusted friends and family members how they feel about your decision-making process. They may see you more clearly than you see yourself at times. During this process, it is important to be true to your values because others will have their own opinion on how you should live your life. The goal is not to look for external validation (or invalidation), but rather to stay firmly on your own path while also moving forward.
If Not Now, When?
After doing an honest inventory of life goals and progress, it is time to take action. Small steps are fine. In fact, they may feel less threatening and impulsive. The key here is progress, not perfection. And the progress may be messy or scary at first, and in a way, that is the point. In the end, none of us achieves a perfect life, and regrets will inevitably be a part of it. Remember: The time is rarely right or wrong. It is just a matter of whether you are prepared to make the most of your present situation and live your life now.
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