970x125
Arguably, being a parent is the most challenging and important job a person can have; it’s a position unlike any other. Needless to say, there’s no designated time you clock on and off the job, and you’re on call unceasingly. There are fervent societal views abound about how a parent is “supposed” to act, prompting the notion that parents must achieve perfection in their role. Flawlessness? Talk about an impossible standard, not to mention an unimaginable one. (What does perfection even look like anyway?)
Let’s just name this outright–it’s not fair. I can’t imagine anyone hitting 100% (whatever that means) in any sphere of life all of the time, and certainly not in a role with no “off” button. On top of this, the standard of immaculate parenting appears to sabotage itself (another point of unfairness), as research reveals a link between feeling urged to be an unblemished parent and engaging in some parenting approaches that are less effective. Is there anything that could help parents shift focus away from being an ideal, flawless parent and toward another viewpoint that might be more sustainable and fulfilling over time?
In a new study, researchers looked at how compassionate goals and self-image goals are linked to how parents and their kids feel and behave. When we’re aiming toward compassionate goals in our interactions with someone, we’re trying to be thoughtful and considerate in the interest of being good to that person and advancing their wellness. On the other hand, when we’re going after self-image goals when we’re engaging with another, we’re zeroing in on how we seem to that person and attempting to cultivate or hold onto a favorable impression. How would these goals compare in parenting?
The researchers gave an example of how a parent might approach their child after a tough interaction. A self-image goal could lead that parent to decide not to say sorry because they’re worried about admitting they made a mistake, whereas a compassionate goal could point the way toward “I’m sorry” out of a desire to engage effectively and mend the disconnect.
Their study showed that compassionate goals were tied to greater emotional wellness for parents, including reduced nervousness and strain and a greater sense of purpose and contentment. Parents with compassionate goals were also more apt to feel intrigued by their kid’s inner world, and their children were more likely to behave well. On the flip side, the children of parents with self-image goals were less well-behaved. The study’s design can’t tell us that goals cause the feelings and behaviors we’re talking about. Hopefully, later research will clarify that. All the same, it’s still worth considering the potential upsides of giving oneself permission to let go of appearance a little more and focus on giving love, with all its imperfections.
