Chore Therapy for Troubled Tweens and Teens

There is so much going on for kids as they enter adolescence, starting at age ten or 11 and persisting for the next several years. Their bodies, brains, and place in the world are changing dramatically and quickly.

That’s always been true. But today, there are signs that more young people than ever are having increasingly serious social, emotional, and behavioral problems.

Arguably, the best way to address these problems is to reduce the stressors kids are increasingly experiencing. That may mean refocusing public policy by investing in social justice, environmental health, and educational equity. On a slightly smaller scale, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control provides recommendations for schools to increase kids’ mental health and resiliency by acquiring mindfulness skills, social skills, emotional awareness, and connectedness.

Household Chores: A Vehicle for Connection and Healing

It’s great when you get involved in changing public policy or work to change school culture, but in the meantime, you need to address your immediate concerns about your child’s social, emotional, and behavioral development. Sometimes that means getting professional help, but that isn’t usually enough on its own.

Troubled tweens and teens often feel disconnected, powerless, and confused about their place in a problem-filled world. Household chores can be a vehicle for increasing your child’s sense of importance in the family, giving them feelings of accomplishment, connection, and value that carry over into other dimensions of their life.

Research finds that kids with chores tend to do better than others in a whole lot of important ways. On average, they are happier, healthier, and more successful at school, with friends, and in general. They tend to feel better about themselves and are more connected to their family.

So if your tween or teen is difficult or troubled, think seriously about giving them chores. You’ll both benefit.

Expect Pushback When Chores Start

If your child has reached the age of 8 or so without being responsible for much in the way of household chores, they will almost certainly whine, complain, argue, and explain that they’re far too tired, busy, or otherwise occupied.

As far as your adolescent child is concerned, chores are hated for three main reasons: you’re telling them what to do; the chores look like work, not fun; and they see chore-time as a loss of their personal freedom. But that doesn’t mean chores aren’t good for them. They are.

Getting Started: How to Implement a Chore Habit Step by Step

1. Explain what you’re doing. When you and your child are both in a good mental space (good-humored, not rushing, no screens), sit down together. Explain that you love them and want to give them the life skills and habits that will serve them well once they’re living on their own. And also, now that they’re 10, 12, or 15 years old, they’re mature enough to contribute to running the household.
2. Make the list. Together—with your child providing most of the suggestions if possible—list all the chores that need to be thought about daily: dishes, table-setting, laundry, bathrooms, sweeping floors, walking the dog, making the next day’s lunches, taking out the garbage, etc.
3. Save the list. You’ll come back to it in a month.
4. Choose one. Ask your child to choose their favorite item on the list, the one chore they’d most like to take responsibility for.
5. Discuss carrots and sticks. What should your child get for successful completion of their daily chore? Maybe points in a point system that’s tied to allowance? Maybe increased screen time? What consequence makes sense for omitting to complete the chore? Maybe loss of points or loss of screen time?
6. Make specific plans for doing the chore. Ask your child to describe how and when they plan to complete their chore. Be patient, respectful, and definite that the how and when have to meet your specifications. For example, if they choose table-setting, that might include putting away anything that’s on the table; setting each place with cutlery, napkin, and a drinking glass; and checking to make sure the table looks welcoming. And it needs to be done by a set time, say 6 pm.
7. Emphasize the positive. As your child gets started on a new chore, praise what they get right and help them do better next time. Don’t criticize or micromanage.
8. Be flexible. Negotiate changes as needed. Let your child swap chores with you or other members of the family.
9. Notice and be grateful. Thank your child for their contribution, and point out how what they’re doing is helping everyone in the family.
10. Stay on top of it. This is why you haven’t implemented chores earlier. It really is an annoying, time-consuming hassle to supervise a resistant child as they acquire the habit of contributing to the family. But, like putting money aside in a savings account, it’s very much worth doing. You’d rather spend your time and energy elsewhere, but someday you and your child will be glad you invested in giving your child the habit of taking responsibility for chores.
11. Have a one-month check-in. One month later—to the day, if you can make that happen—sit down with your child again, this time with snacks. Discuss the implementation process of the first chore. What went well? What obstacles did either one of you experience?
12. Choose the next chore. Review the list. What other chores should be added? Ask the child what their next most favorite (least despised) chore is. Discuss the practical details of how and when to do it. If one or both of you have been slack about doing or monitoring Chore #1, then you need to get better at the chore habit. Continue with Chore #1, and delay implementation of Chore #2 until the following month.

Although your troubled adolescent might be working hard to push you away and resist your demands, they urgently need to feel loved, respected, and valued by you. As counterintuitive as it might seem, giving them chores and insisting they be completed can help make that happen.