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Emotionally focused therapy for couples (EFT; Johnson 2005) is a respected, well-researched therapy that is remarkably effective for building safe, rewarding marriages. It is especially useful when one or both partners have experienced childhood trauma, and when both partners are committed to strengthening their marriage. EFT is not about blaming or proving who’s right. It is about strengthening the connection.
Barriers to Safe Engagement
Understandably, trauma survivors often lack resources to deal with the echoes of childhood trauma that contaminate their marriage. They often:
- Don’t fully appreciate that closeness—attaching to and depending upon a reliable, safe, caring individual—is a vital need that doesn’t disappear in adulthood.
- Carry scars of betrayal, fear being hurt again, and are reluctant to trust and be vulnerable.
- Haven’t yet learned how to regulate strong emotions or to respond constructively to their partner’s emotional needs.
- Haven’t learned how to stand up for themselves effectively.
The Elements of EFT
EFT teaches new, constructive behaviors. More importantly, EFT addresses attachment patterns and needs, and shows partners how to get past the bickering and open their hearts to love. Here’s what can happen.
Understanding
Initially, partners identify what has brought them closer, what damages their relationship, and what they hope for their relationship. They come to understand how unfulfilled attachment needs drive common conflict patterns. They learn the logic of emotions and understand that there are new ways to respond to each other’s emotional needs. For example:
- Marcus is over-controlling. He comes to see that this stems from his fear of losing what’s most important to him—his partner’s love—but that his behavior actually is pushing her away.
- Anna rages at her partner’s seeming indifference. She comes to understand that her anger pushes him away at times when she needs him the most. Beneath her anger are deeper, important feelings of not mattering, of being alone, of helplessness, of rejection, of wanting to be held and comforted. So often, childhood trauma intensifies these feelings.
- Ron shuts down and withdraws when his partner is in distress. He feels like a failure because he doesn’t know how to help. So he seeks refuge in work, where he has learned to stay cool and unemotional. EFT helps him see that this alienates her and blocks emotional closeness.
One’s emotions typically elicit predictable actions in the partner. For example, lashing out in anger might cause the partner to:
- Flee: The attacked partner might freeze, be at a loss for words, or withdraw.
- Fight: At other times, the attacked partner might push back with anger or defensiveness.
These responses might spur the first partner to respond with even more anger. Conversely, calm, respectful engagement invites cooperation.
For trauma survivors, the partner can be a solution to unfulfilled attachment needs or a source of fear and shame. The goal of EFT is to make the marriage a safe haven where both partners flourish. When a partner feels safe enough to risk expressing their vulnerabilities and needs, the other partner is more likely to reach out with empathy and support.
Reframing the Relationship
EFT helps the couple reframe their conflict cycles as an outgrowth of trauma: learned patterns for dealing with their childhood pain. What heals is comfort, empathy, and engagement. The EFT therapist helps partners see that:
- The enemy is not each other, but the trauma. Now the couple joins together to fight the real enemy. Instead of feelings of failure, there is relief in understanding the partner’s needs and knowing how to help.
- The relationship is now seen as a potential safe haven and secure base where closeness can prosper.
Breaking Old Patterns
New patterns of interaction are learned that build trust, safety, and closeness. The blamer softens, and the withdrawer engages. The pursuer gets beneath the anger; the withdrawer connects. Needs previously avoided are given voice. All this happens at the heart level more than at the intellectual level.
Getting to Root Emotions
When a partner is encouraged to talk and risk being vulnerable, softer emotions (deeper than anger) often bubble up. What surfaces might be hurt, fear, or sadness resulting from feeling unimportant, alone, abandoned, or rejected. Understanding produces empathy: The listening partner learns to validate those feelings, acknowledge their role in triggering them, and provide comfort.
Asserting Needs
Both partners learn to directly and constructively state what they need. For example:
- “I want you to see that when you rage and lash out at me, I shut down. I don’t hear what you need. What I really want is to comfort you.”
- “When you pull away, I feel rejected. I just want to be held for a while when I’m feeling down. I love to feel close to you.”
- “I need you to understand that I can’t always give you what you want, but I’ll always love you.”
- “I’m terrified of your anger and accusations. I just want to learn how to support you.”
Staying Engaged
Skills are taught to regulate physical and emotional arousal. Then, partners learn how to sustain emotional engagement during conflict and tough times. The habitual attacker learns to feel safe and comfortable expressing vulnerabilities and needs, with anger in check. The listener interprets a partner’s anger as a call for love, not a personal attack, and responds with a comforting connection. In short, new patterns are replacing old knee-jerk reactions.
Challenging Negative Self-Schemas
The therapist helps partners challenge negative self-views held since childhood. She might explain to a wounded partner: “These are natural consequences of being mistreated back then. You see that little girl as toxic and unworthy of love, not how strong she was to survive all alone. Your mind had no image of being held safely in someone’s arms. So now, one part of you wants to close up to protect yourself. Another part keeps fighting and testing and trying to gain love. But the deepest part of you is willing to open your heart, share your attachment insecurities, and risk closeness.”
Hearing this for the first time, her partner now understands her childhood trauma and wants to support her. The therapist might say to him, “Can you help her with those feelings that she’s of no worth, not worth fighting for?” Then, to the wounded partner, “Can you hear him tell you that he needs you and wants your love?” As the real issues are touched, bonds are built, and fears of losing each other diminish.
Team Building
Individuals learn to express appreciation for each other. For example, hearing appreciation for being a good parent and spouse is a strong antidote for shame. Both partners start to feel they are important to each other.
A New Outcome
Jane came to view John as afraid, not bad and uncaring for discounting her need for comfort. Instead of desperately attacking as usual, she calmly expressed her loneliness and need for companionship, while reassuring him that she wanted to be with him. She’d learned to assert her needs in a way that helped him respond positively without shutting down, withdrawing, or showing angry defensiveness.
Conclusion
Dr. Johnson has explained that attachment to safe, caring partners can help to heal both the wounds from trauma and the resulting relationship disruptions in unique ways. EFT can greatly facilitate attachment building.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
