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Each of us can benefit from improving our emotional intelligence. It helps us understand and manage our emotions more effectively. With self-awareness practice, we also become better at reading and responding to the emotions of others.
There are many ways to build emotional intelligence and resilience. This article highlights practical tools drawn from dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT).
1. Begin With Awareness
We can’t manage what we don’t notice. Start by tracking your emotions in a self-monitoring journal. When you experience strong feelings—positive or negative—write down:
- Date, time, and situation
- Your thoughts/emotions at the time
- Bodily sensations (heart rate, temperature, muscle tension)
- Emotional intensity (1–100)
- Urge to avoid the situation (1–100)
- Actions you considered
- Actions you took (or avoided)
When you have time, try a mindfulness exercise to fully tune into your state:
- Find a quiet spot to sit or lie down.
- Close your eyes.
- Focus on your breathing—notice which parts of your body move as you inhale and exhale.
- Expand your awareness to different body parts to detect sensations or tension.
- If you start labeling or judging those sensations, acknowledge it and return to observing.
- If your mind drifts, gently bring your attention back.
If you have time, aim for 10–15 minutes, a couple of times a day. To make this easier, try habit stacking—while lying in bed, on transit, during a break, or before sleep. When you first try mindfulness, do it when you’re not overly anxious.
2. Start to Label
Once you’ve built awareness, begin labelling what you feel. Some emotions are easy to name, others take more practice. Use tools like the Open Emotion Wheel to expand your emotional vocabulary. For instance, notice the nuances of anger between frustration, embarrassment, or annoyance.
Ask yourself:
- Where do these emotions come from—your self-talk, other people, or worries?
- How do you usually react?
- Do you withdraw or multitask when annoyed?
- Raise your voice when frustrated?
- Cancel plans when embarrassed?
Recognizing these patterns helps you see whether your automatic reactions help or hinder you. For instance, do you go for a run when worried—or reach for comfort food? And understanding these trends then strengthens your self-awareness and prepares you to make conscious choices.
3. Build New Associations
Once you can notice and label your emotions, you can start responding intentionally. You might realize, “I don’t actually need a beer—I can do 20 pushups to unwind,” or “I’m frustrated, so I’ll take a breath before speaking to keep my tone calm.”
It’s also okay if you can’t act right away. Awareness itself is a step forward. You might simply say to yourself, “I’m ruminating,” or “I’m catastrophizing,” then ground yourself in the present moment. Examples of grounding techniques are:
- Taking a few slow breaths
- Pressing on a pressure point
- Twisting a ring on your finger
- Looking at a calming image on your phone
If you plan to decompress later, experiment with different activities that engage your senses:
- Touch – warm bath, massage, petting an animal
- Taste – hot tea, fresh fruit, comfort food
- Smell – flowers, candles, baked goods, coffee
- Sight – nature, art, sunset, family photos
- Sound – relaxing music, birds, waves, crickets
As your self-awareness grows, your emotional regulation improves. You become less reactive and more grounded. When you become more mindful and calm in your own emotions, you become less self-focused and build your situational awareness. This calmness will help you start noticing emotional shifts in others. But remember: you can only care for others effectively if you first care for yourself.
