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We sometimes surround feelings and experiences with buffers that keep us safe from fully feeling them. Some of these buffers are: a story, a familiar belief about ourselves, an addictive habit, or a hastening to fix, change, or control our feelings or the situation. These are all ways of doing something rather than simply being with what is happening to us.
Most of us have a fear of simply being right here, right now, preferring to take some action that will make things better. We thereby disable our natural and spiritual inclination to surrender to what is, with an unconditional yes.
Most of us cannot trust what may happen when a feeling is allowed to run its full course. We cannot trust that the universe wants to teach us something when we find ourselves in a distressing predicament. We can only trust what we make happen. If only we could see that our need to be in control is really about our lack of trust.
Here is an example of the process we might put ourselves through:
At some time, you were lonely. Immediately, without conscious effort or choice, you probably took some inner or outer action. You thought or did something. For instance, you told yourself the story of how no one really wants to be with you, maybe even noticing evidence of that going all the way back to childhood. You thereby confirmed your habitual belief about yourself as a victim, someone unlovable or unworthy.
You may have felt anxiety or fear that things would get a lot worse if you just sat there and felt lonely. (Actually, the story and beliefs are what make that happen, not the loneliness itself.) In a panic, you turned on the TV or computer, turned to an addictive behavior, ate something, or did whatever usually works to distract you from your actual condition in the moment.
You can befriend the demon of loneliness—or any demon—using a simple, but perhaps at first scary, practice:
- Freeze-frame yourself and stay put as soon as any feeling or state of mind arises.
- Allow yourself to feel your feelings, to stay put in your experience, as fully as you can for one more minute than you can stand.
- Have a positive buffer lined up, something that is nurturing and has no story, belief, or addiction attached to it. For instance, take a walk or go for a run in nature, read or write in your journal, or if eating does it for you, make it a carrot.
- Then and only then, go to your usual buffers, if you still want to.
Each time you simply let yourself be for that one more moment, you make an exponential contribution to becoming more comfortable with yourself, trusting your feelings, your immediate experience. Eventually, staying with yourself will be more interesting than using a buffer. The story, the beliefs, and the actions that are meant to reverse your experience become unnecessary and even amusing to you. You have entered your reality rather than run from it.
This allows us to gain equanimity. This means that we are no longer assaulted or destabilized by events in our lives. They now happen within our space, not against it. In other words, we have learned to handle them with serenity when they can’t be changed, courage when they can be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference.
We notice, with joy, that we trust the universe and our manifold inner resources so much more. What began as a feeling or predicament we felt we had to avoid at all costs became an opportunity for practice and growth. The demon has become an ally. Lead has been transformed into gold.
Adapted from: Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy (Shambhala, 2010).
