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You’ve undoubtedly heard it somewhere, sometime before: that you are unique, that you’re here in this life for a purpose, and that your goal is to live a life that truly reflects who you are. It sounds good and feels right on a good day, but it is clearly easier said than done. But like a lot of things in life, the doing starts with knowing what creates the stopping—what keeps you from being you. Here are a few of the most common interrelated culprits:
You’re afraid.
Fear can stop us in our tracks. You’re afraid to try because you don’t and can’t know what will happen next, you worry about others’ reactions, or because doing what you want means stepping outside your comfort zone—it feels awkward at best, but often simply dangerous.
You’ve built your life around approval.
I’m OK if you’re OK. A lot of us grew up with that mantra embedded in our heads. Some of us are so wired for this that we go on autopilot. We’ve learned to bind our fear by making this our default—it’s how we think, what we do. This approach may have been easier to manage when you were young and had fewer people to please, but now, as an adult, your world’s gotten bigger; you have multiple masters to serve, keeping you scattered, stressed, and stretched.
You’re self-critical.
Self-criticism makes you your worst enemy. There is a relentless bully in your head, looking over your shoulder, wagging its finger, scolding you for making mistakes, for upsetting others, for thinking you can do whatever you want; the bully knows you’ll probably fail spectacularly.
You measure success only by outcome.
Doing is never just about doing, but is closely connected to expectations, finished products, and measurable results. The desire for approval, self-criticism, and the uncertainty or lack of control over the outcome allow fear to take hold, suppressing dreams and passions.
What to do? The antidotes are clear—it’s time to push back and do what you’re not doing. Here’s how to start.
1. Practice approaching your fear.
Just like you need to exercise your muscles to help them grow, you need to step outside your comfort zone to expand it. Fear encourages you to avoid risks and stay where you are if you don’t want to feel afraid. The way to confront fear is to run toward it, crossing that comfort-zone boundary to both desensitize yourself to the feeling of fear and, more importantly, to realize that what you’re afraid might happen often doesn’t. Do this enough times, and it gets easier. Your self-confidence increases, and the world becomes less frightening.
2. Experiment with not caring what others think.
Yet another step toward changing your view of the world and rewriting that childhood mantra that no longer applies. Just as stepping outside your comfort zone reduces fear, taking the risk of not seeking approval frees you from that bondage.
But you need to be careful that you don’t swing too far in the other direction—becoming arrogant and uncaring about others. The middle ground is remaining sensitive to other people’s feelings without letting them hold you back.
3. Push back against the bully.
Bullies only stay bullies because their tactics work—it’s time to stand up and push back. When that voice rises in your head, ignore it as much as possible. Like seeking approval, remind yourself that this is stuff from the past that no longer belongs in your life, and that you are in control of yourself, not them.
4. Follow your passion and embrace the process.
Do what you do because you enjoy it or because you relish the challenge. Kick expectations to the curb and focus on living in the present. Concentrate on the process—the doing itself—rather than stressing over the outcome. Trust that your life is working for you. Passion plus challenge leads to mastery.
The main idea is simple: Challenge your assumptions and rewire your brain by doing now what you’ve not been doing. And if this feels a bit overwhelming, keep in mind that Chinese proverb: There is no shame in going slow, only in standing still.
