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Traditional Asian cultures pride themselves on emotional and physical control. Yet this restraint has become so exaggerated that it keeps Asian parents from showing any form of physical or emotional affirmation to their children. This detriment, unfortunately, can impact a child’s sense of self and the relationship with their parents, with children questioning if their parents love them unconditionally.
Culturally, Asians have suppressed emotional expression both verbally and non-verbally as a means of saving face. Saving face in Asian cultures is not only a way to preserve your identity and garner respect, but it also speaks to the larger collective of doing so for your family name. In other words, if you lost control of your emotions, it would be viewed as a mark of shame for yourself and your lineage.
Love is also communicated through action as opposed to words. The adage, “action speaks louder than words,” is very much applicable to Asians. From the traditional parents’ perspective, they are demonstrating love by providing food, shelter, and financial stability (paying for children’s education, cars, etc.).
There’s also a belief that if you praise a child through words or hugs, you are coddling the child. There’s a fear that a child will become lazy and/or arrogant if given too many means of affirmation. In this belief, there’s also a superstition that it can bring bad luck and evil spirits to children if you praise them directly or publicly. To ward against this, “reverse praise” is a common practice whereby Asian parents may call children, especially newborns, “ugly” or “rotten” to trick the evil spirits into ignoring them.
Yet research shows otherwise. Physical touch itself has been documented to increase bonding, trust, and a sense of safety with a child, as well as increase an infant’s brain development, lowering stress levels, and improving sleep.
As a therapist specializing in Asian cultural issues, it’s apparent that the lack of physical affection negatively impacts my Asian clients. They grieve at not having parents who could openly display their affection and praise towards them. They lament seeing other parents hug and kiss their classmates. But clients are coming in not because they want to grieve about this neglect per se, but because of its impact on their lives. They may struggle with social anxiety, judgment from others, addictions, a need for control/perfectionism, or a general feeling of inadequacy they can’t shake.
I can relate, as my parents never said they were proud of my two younger brothers and me. We never received any physical touch either. The one fond memory I have of being close to my mom was when I would put my head on her lap so she could clean out my earwax. I still recall telling her to keep cleaning as a way to spend more time resting my head on her legs. Through therapy, I was able to first come out of denial and acknowledge that this did impact me. That was a huge first step. The following steps included ways to find healthy touch and affirmations through healthy relationships. Repeating positive mantras (e.g., “You are good enough” and “It’s going to be ok” to counteract negative self-talk has been especially helpful as my brain can easily be flooded with Asian critical thoughts.
If you grew up, culturally or otherwise, without any physical or verbal affirmation, it would make sense, regardless of how smart or successful you are, that you feel a sense of inadequacy, strive incessantly to win at any cost (both in sports and in life), and possibly downplay your vulnerabilities and your needs. The biggest takeaway is to know there is no shame in asking for help.
