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Over my decades of practice, seeing thousands of people who use donor conception to have their children, I have seen a steady increase in people who want to either co‑parent or who plan to use the sperm or eggs of someone they know and plan to call that person “mom” or “dad.” While I have seen many of these beautiful arrangements work out well, many have not.
Unfortunately, it seems that we often mistake feeling good about something for “it will be good for us.” Perhaps that is why we choose donors based on their looks or personalities, even though those things are outside of our control, or clinics for their nice doctors rather than the doctors with the best statistics.
My aim is not to be overly clinical about these choices. It is important to feel good about the choices that you are making. But if we are most concerned with our child’s and family’s future health and well‑being, then we need to make practical decisions first, and then consider our preferences second. Choosing the person who will contribute half of the genetics of your future child is a big decision with long‑lasting health implications, and choosing the relationship you and your child will have with that person can also have a significant impact on your life.
That said, let’s review a few ideas to consider. This list is not exhaustive, but it can help you begin to think through this arrangement a bit before making it permanent. For the sake of simplicity, I will assume the donor identifies as male and is the sperm provider, but these situations can be similar with an egg donor and many different types of family arrangements.
1. We know that about half of all marriages end in divorce. If you love someone enough to plan to commit your entire life to them and also want to have a child with them, you are likely to have a better chance of remaining committed to them and the plans you make for your future than if you are co‑parenting with someone who is not your partner.
2. Being a “mom” or “dad” typically comes with financial responsibilities. Once your donor takes this title, they may be legally bound to pay for college, braces, and other expenses.
3. It also comes with potentially powerful roles in the child’s life. I have seen court battles where the donor parent wants the child to stop taking their medication, change schools, or even change sports teams. I have also seen situations where the intended parent promised the donor parent a certain relationship with the child, and later, changed their mind, leaving the donor parent heartbroken.
3. How will friends and family feel? Will the donor’s mother see the child as her grandchild and want to spend time with the child? For some, this is a great situation; for others, it could feel terrible. And what about their friends? Will it change their relationship with friends who now see them as a busy parent?
4. What about their career? If they have the chance to move for a great job opportunity, will they? Are they going to feel the financial burden of this child or feel obligated to only choose jobs that give them more time with the child?
5. How about their romantic life? Will they feel held back from going on dates or worry that a date won’t like the idea that they are now a parent? And what about a future partner and their family?
6. Most importantly, what about the child? So often, people say, “Oh, it will be fine, my friend will be the dad, but he will just come to birthday parties and spend time with us once in a while.” A young child does not understand this reasoning. Your child may wonder why all of the “dads” come to his baseball game, but his “dad” doesn’t. Perhaps “dad” has a different religion or political view, and the child now feels like it is his, or the child wants his “dad” to come with him to the pediatrician or the dentist for his annual cleaning. What about holidays and gifts?
Not to mention questions about involvement in the pregnancy, delivery, additional children, and the disposition of excess embryos? There are so many situations that will affect all involved, and it is important to remember that using the word “dad” or “mom” from the beginning may have far‑reaching implications for your child’s life.
One thing that is important to clarify is that your child may, at some point, want to call your donor “dad.” If your donor is not going to parent your child, and your child understands his role in their life, and still wants to call him “dad,” then it may be helpful to let them. Every child is different. Even in a family with three children, they may all feel differently about their donor and allowing each of them to explore their unique feelings is one of the ways you can help them be confident in who they are.
But this is different from setting out, from the beginning, to share your financial and emotional commitment to your child equally with someone else. Your college roommate may be your best friend and may be a great influence in your child’s life, but that does not mean he needs to be the “dad.”
This post intends to support thoughtful decision-making and does not replace legal consultation.
