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I’ve been thinking about a common conundrum for parents: What to do when your child agrees to a limit; then, the second it’s implemented, they fall apart and stage a full-on fight, as illustrated by this recent case from the trenches.
The Case
Marcel is concerned about his son Jonah (4) being what he calls a “maximalist”—it’s never enough. Whatever he gets—treats, TV, attention—he wants more. Marcel proceeds to share this story.
Marcel takes Jonah to the grocery store. He has decided that he is going to set the limit that they won’t be getting anything from the bakery on this trip. He feels it’s important that Jonah learn that he can’t always get a treat—something he’s come to expect. Here’s how it goes…
Marcel (tells Jonah on the way to the store): Remember, when we go to the store, we’re not getting any sweet treats. We’re just getting the items on the list we made.
Jonah: Yes, daddy, no treats.
Marcel is pleased and relieved at how accepting Jonah is about this limit. He’s feeling hopeful and like a really great dad; he’s being sensitive and respectful by giving Jonah advance warning, and Jonah is showing signs of good self-regulation.
They arrive at the store and within minutes, Jonah is begging for a cookie from the bakery section.
Marcel is pissed. He feels completely duped. With annoyance, he reacts: “Jonah, we talked about this. I told you there would be no treats and you agreed to that plan!”
Jonah escalates, kicking the grocery cart and shouting, “I always get a cookie at the store with mommy. It’s not fair. You’re being an unkind daddy!”
On top of feeling outraged, Marcel is furious at Jonah for mortifying him with this public humiliation.
Marcel picks Jonah up, more roughly than he’d like. His shame about this loss of control fuels Marcel’s anger at Jonah for pushing him to this point. They leave the store empty-handed. They’re both in maximum meltdown mode.
Marcel concludes by sharing that he’s very concerned about his ability to help Jonah learn to accept that he can’t have everything he wants. He hopes Jonah will just grow out of it, but for now, he doesn’t plan on taking Jonah on any more errands because it’s so unpleasant. This saddens him because he loves Jonah’s company (when he’s not melting down!) and he knows that doing these kinds of tasks together is good for Jonah; that they teach him about how the world works.
The Analysis
Here are the insights I shared with Marcel:
- Jonah wasn’t lying or tricking Marcel, or being manipulative. He’s four; the limit sounded fine in “theory.” His response was aspirational. Sure—no problem. All good.
- In practice/reality, when faced with the desired object, the 4-year-old brain can’t override the impulse and say to itself: “That doughnut looks so yummy. But I promised daddy I would be okay not getting a treat, so I’m going to stay calm and carry on.” That’s just not a realistic expectation.
- To help Jonah learn to accept limits, he needs lots of experience living through not getting what he wants when he wants it—to build that muscle.
- The bigger response Marcel has when Jonah starts to protest, the more he (inadvertently) shames him into cooperating and accepting the limit, the more Jonah escalates.
The Outcome
- Marcel keeps taking Jonah on errands. He is prepared for the meltdown, so he no longer feels blindsided or angry.
- Marcel still lets Jonah know what to expect: what he will and won’t be able to get at the store. He acknowledges that once Jonah sees the desired toy or treat, it might be really hard and he may feel sad, angry, or disappointed—and that’s okay. Daddy understands. But he will still be sticking to the limit.
Now, in the heat of these moments, when Jonah loses it, Marcel is his rock. He validates Jonah’s upset and stays the course. He doesn’t react to Jonah’s tantrum; he doesn’t try to talk about it or make it all better. He moves him through the situation as calmly as he can, even if this means leaving the store before he has everything he came for. The errands are teachable moments—that’s his priority.
Over time, Jonah’s meltdowns have decreased, and errands are becoming more pleasurable again.
