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Family rituals are routines and traditions that honor what is very important to the family (Rothenbuhler, 1998). Rituals include family traditions, such as the specific ways we celebrate holidays, birthdays, vacations, weddings, and graduations, or even our weekly family dinners and everyday bedtime rituals for children.
Rituals are valuable when family members perceive them as current and meaningful (Braithwaite, 2022). A few years ago, my friend Kris was concerned that his family was losing their tradition of decorating the family Christmas tree together. Kris purchased their live tree the day after Thanksgiving so they could decorate their tree over the weekend, as they always did. Now that the children were young adults, they were busy and involved with their friends and activities. Kris and his partner, Kim, could not get the kids to commit time to decorating their tree. It was now mid-December, and the poor tree was still sitting in the garage, undecorated and losing its needles. No one seemed to notice or care.
In my research on family rituals, my colleagues and I discovered that to be successful, rituals must remain relevant and change as needed. As my friend Kris was learning, what the family did in the past may not work in the present and/or the future. As his children were reaching adulthood, many family traditions seemed less important to them. In addition, some older family members were no longer able to take part in the same way. Kris knew the day was coming when the children would be moving out and forming their own families.
While every family experiences change differently, taking an inventory of your own family rituals is important to make choices about which rituals to keep, adapt, dump, and when to create new family rituals (Braithwaite, 2022).
Adapting Family Rituals
As you take inventory of your own family rituals, it would not be surprising to see a need to adapt or even delete at least some of your family’s rituals. To retain or grow their meaningfulness, rituals need to be remembered fondly by the family of the past, relevant to the current family, and have the potential to meet the needs of the family in the future (Braithwaite, Baxter & Harper, 1998).
When a ritual is not working well in the present or anticipated future, the family may first try to adapt the old ritual. Sometimes this is a rather simple fix. For example, Kris and I talked about the possibility of moving the tree decorating to Christmas Eve, when he expected all the children to be home. However, Kris realized that soon these young adults would be creating their own lives, including membership in multiple families. It became clear that their longstanding Christmas tree decorating tradition was not workable. A second family found they needed to adapt what they eat and drink at their gatherings, due to some family members eating only gluten-free foods and others no longer drinking alcohol. A third family realized they would no longer fit into the old family cabin for their annual vacation. All these families realized they needed major adaptations of their current rituals.
There are times when simple adaptations are not possible. For my own family, once two of the three adult children had married and moved out of state, gathering everyone in person at Christmas was rarely possible. Rather than hang onto old rituals that no longer work for the family, creating new family rituals might be the best option.
Creating New Family Rituals
If you and your family members conclude that the family needs new rituals, it is important to think about how to make the change.
Get Input: First, find a way to get participation from family members. Start early when possible. Describe the problem and ask family members to talk about what they would like to do. This might involve meeting in person, via video chat, or via a text chain. Perhaps it would make sense to have a subset of the family to work together. Ask the family members to work creatively in a “brainstorming session.” This involves offering different ideas (even half-baked ideas) without critiquing them right away (Interaction Design Foundation).
Sticking to the no critiquing rule of brainstorming is important. Once you have a list of ideas, then go back and talk them through, asking for feedback. You might be surprised at the different options generated that no one had considered before, or the value of combining several smaller ideas.
Choose Best Options: Second, likely no option is perfect, so the family will need to talk the ideas through and choose the option that seems best. Be specific on how to implement the new ideas. For example, if a family decides to replace a weekly Sunday dinner at Grandma’s house, what are they committing to? Perhaps a monthly Sunday lunch at a restaurant. This way, family members can choose a restaurant that is affordable for different members, a location that is reachable, and they avoid burdening one family with hosting. Individual family members can decide what to eat and drink. There are endless variations that are possible—perhaps taking turns hosting and making the meal potluck or skipping a meal and meeting in a park for a walk, fishing, or games. If family members are spread out geographically, they may set aside one event per quarter to meet via video chat.
In the end, we know that people are usually more committed to ideas if they have had a role in creating them.
Check Back on How Things Are Working: Third, plan a way to check in and gauge the success of the new ritual. Make adaptations as needed and, if necessary, go back to the drawing board and try another option.
Family Dynamics Essential Reads
Going back to the situation of Kris and Kim and the Christmas tree, after talking options through with their adult children, Kris and Kim decided to host a small holiday gathering with close friends in early December. They kept it to a small group of under ten friends with nice and simple finger foods rather than a full meal. The hosts added decorating the Christmas tree to the events at this party. After the first year, they noted that their friends seemed to enjoy the relaxed evening of visiting and putting ornaments on the tree as they shared stories about their own family traditions. The second year, the couple decided to purchase a new tree ornament each year. They bought the same ornament for each of their friends to take home. This new ritual gave them a way to celebrate both friendship as well as family.
When the family gathered on December 25th, the Christmas tree was decorated, and the house was welcoming and festive. This year, the family is adding a contest where family members will guess which is the new ornament. They believe this will help the family members, old and new, to pay closer attention to and appreciate the family Christmas tree.
I hope this gives you some ideas about why and how to keep your own family rituals current, relevant, and satisfying. Whether you’re making adaptations or creating new rituals, being able to have input on family rituals may help all family members feel more included and committed to their traditions. Remember that any changes you implement will undoubtedly need to be updated in the future as the family grows and changes. The more that family members have a history of successfully working together on creating and adapting their family rituals, the easier the process should become.
