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Are you dreading Thanksgiving? Are you anticipating casual conversations becoming dicey once the wine is uncorked? Do you envision arguments about politics no matter how many times you’ve requested these discussions be off-limits? Are you holding your breath, just waiting for criticisms that hit below the belt? Have you been thinking that family gatherings feel obligatory and stressful?
If your answer to any of these questions is “Yes,” I have a suggestion: Why not try a new approach?
First, I want to tell you that, since people often behave in patterns, it’s not unreasonable for you to worry that this year’s get-together might be a painful déjà vu. But anticipating that you are going to be miserable because you can predict how people will act and react is problematic in and of itself.
Why? When we anticipate dire outcomes, we inadvertently behave in ways that signal our beliefs. For example, if you think someone might not be too happy to see you when you arrive, you might dial down your enthusiasm in seeing him or her. You might be tentative or cool when your eyes meet, or even avoid greeting that person entirely.
As a result, that person might think, “Oh, I wonder why I am getting the cold shoulder,“ or, “It’s fairly clear that I just got slighted. That’s rude.” And based on those thoughts, this person might, in turn, be unfriendly, unwelcoming, or even snarky.
You see, our expectations dictate our actions, and our actions—even subtle ones—trigger responses in others. Hence, the self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s why telling yourself that this Thanksgiving is going to be nothing more than a repeat performance of last year’s unhappy gathering is not a good way to kick off the season.
What’s the alternative? Here are 4 ways to create a Thanksgiving you will want to emulate next November.
1. Act “As If.”
Since the self-fulfilling prophecy is a real dynamic in our relationships, start by having a vision about what you really would like to be different. In advance of turkey day, ask yourself, “If I were expecting positive outcomes—Aunt Gail being complimentary rather than critical, George staying engaged during the day rather than staring at his phone, Sue sharing more openly about herself rather than being so superficial—how would I behave differently toward them?”
Answer this question as concretely as possible. For example, if you expected Sue to be more open with you, would you ask more in-depth questions of her? Would you be more apt to initiate conversation with her? Would you set the tone for more vulnerability in your conversations by sharing something heartfelt about your own life? Identify how you would behave differently if you expected positive outcomes.
And then do it: Act as if. Even if you aren’t convinced that your desired outcome is realistic, do an experiment and be the catalyst for change. Tip over the first domino. Act as if and see what happens.
2. Do something different.
In my years of working with couples, I have often heard them say that the worst time of day was that bewitching hour when everyone gets home from work or school. The kids are crabby, dinner needs to be made, work headaches accompany people home, the phone is ringing, the dog is barking and—you get the picture—chaos reigns.
As a result, couples end up fighting because everyone is tense. Still, despite this routine being as predictable as the erupting of Old Faithful, no one, and I mean no one, stops and thinks, “Wait! We need to do something different! We need to have a plan to break this crazy pattern!”
I get it. I did the same thing.
For years, Thanksgivings were less than fantastic for me. Jim, my husband, adores Thanksgiving because he loves to cook, and cooks many of the recipes that have been handed down generation after generation in his family.
Sounds wonderful, right? But what was not so wonderful was his mood when he was cooking. Ever the perfectionist, he always seemed stressed and territorial in the kitchen. I was responsible for some side dishes and dessert, which always interfered with his master plan in the kitchen.
So what happened? We would fight, and then I would be in a less-than-fabulous mood when our family arrived. Full disclosure: This happened year after year until I decided to do something different.
Here’s what I did: I prepared all of my side dishes in advance, and on Thanksgiving morning, went for a long hike by myself. Although I admit to having had a gnawing sense of guilt about not helping my husband clean up after himself, I absolutely loved my hike.
When I returned, he couldn’t have been happier that I had been gone. I was out of his hair. Lesson learned. If what you’re doing isn’t working, stop, and do something different. Anything different is better than doing the same old thing.
3. Don’t take the bait.
Chances are, since your relatives aren’t reading my suggestions, they will show up as themselves, meaning they will say or do things that, in the past, you have found irritating.
And when that happens, you will feel those same feelings arise in you that have arisen before. Notice that feeling. Honor that feeling. But remember that feelings are transitory. They come and go. But feelings do not have dictate how you respond. Do not take the bait.
Ask yourself in the heat of the moment, “What is my goal here? What do I want to have happen?” And if what you’re about to say or do is going to push you further away from your goal, don’t do or say it, no matter how “right” you think you are, or how “wrong” the other person might be.
Instead, be silent, acknowledge what that person is saying, agree to disagree, find some tiny, tiny truth in what is being said and focus on that…and so on. Just don’t take the bait. Instead, take the high road. You have choices.
4. Consider grace.
And finally, and not of least importance, take to heart something Maya Angelou once wrote. This is my version of it: People do the best they can with the tools they have. When they know better, they do better.
Such truth.
Hurtful actions rarely stem from maliciousness; they stem from a lack of skills, a lack of knowing more loving ways to approach things. We are not born knowing how to have great relationships, and if we weren’t blessed with superlative role models, we all just muddle our way through life, doing the best we can.
The truth is, this truth even applies to you and me.
