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The holidays are quickly approaching, and although they are full of excitement, there is also a lot of family time and less structured time for children and teens. As a child and teen therapist, I see families navigating meltdowns, sibling conflict, and unexpected tears, even over December. Parents asking me, “Why does my teen act out all of the time?” or “Why does my 5-year-old have big meltdowns?” has led me to explore more about what is going on in the brain at every age of development. I recently finished a TikTok series, where I uploaded videos for brain-based knowledge every stage of child development, from 4 to 18. I had no idea who would watch these videos, but they ended up getting thousands of views and hundreds of comments from parents all over the country. This made me realize that there is a lack of knowledge about this challenging time of life, when understanding what’s happening in your child’s brain can help transform frustration into connection.
Below is a short but sweet age-by-age guide from 4 to 18, including key brain changes, common behaviors, practical parenting strategies, and one Glow Back Moment (based on my private practice, Grow and Glow Child Therapy LA), a tool to reconnect after conflict or overwhelm.
Age 4: Imagination + Early Regulation
At 4, children are bursting with curiosity and language skills, but the prefrontal cortex, responsible for impulse control, is still very immature, so big feelings erupt quickly (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC], 2025).
Common behaviors: Dramatic reactions, difficulty sharing, and frustration over minor setbacks.
What helps: Predictable routines and co-regulation. Get on their level physically and narrate what’s happening.
Glow Back Moment: “That was a really big feeling. Your brain is still learning, and I’m right here with you.”
Age 5: Growing Self-Awareness
Five-year-olds are more aware of themselves and others. They can pause briefly before acting, but under stress, impulses still win (Arain et al., 2013).
Common behaviors: Upset during transitions, asking repeatedly, “Did I do it right?”
What helps: Gentle structure, clear language, reassurance, and offering choices.
Glow Back Moment: “Your brain is practicing what to do with big feelings. We’ll figure it out together.”
Age 6: Cognitive Load + Emotional Spillover
Early elementary demands increased cognitive load, and working memory is still developing (Harvard Center on the Developing Child, 2020).
Common behaviors: After-school meltdowns, fear of making mistakes, repeated reassurance-seeking.
What helps: Build a decompression routine—snack, movement, quiet time before tackling homework.
Glow Back Moment: Offer a “Try Again Ticket” to show that mistakes are growth opportunities.
Age 7: Worries Become More Sophisticated
Around 7, children start imagining “what if” scenarios, making anxiety more complex (Casey et al., 2008).
Common behaviors: Nighttime fears, stomachaches, and perfectionism.
What helps: Grounding strategies, worry journals, and predictable bedtime routines.
Glow Back Moment: “What is your Worry Voice saying today? What does your Brave Voice say back?”
Age 8: Emotional Swings + Early Identity
Empathy is surging, but early hormonal changes (adrenarche) amplify moodiness (Johnson et al., 2009).
Common behaviors: Sensitivity to criticism, jealousy, and strong fairness concerns.
What helps: Connection before correction. Validate feelings before offering guidance.
Glow Back Moment: End the day with “Two Truths and a Growth.”
Age 9: Shame Storms + Self-Critique
Nine-year-olds’ growing moral reasoning and social comparison increase self-criticism (Arain et al., 2013).
Common behaviors: “I’m the worst,” rigidity, dwelling on mistakes.
What helps: Slow, collaborative conversations; use metaphors to reframe negative self-talk.
Glow Back Moment: “Your brain is like a garden—let’s pull out the ‘I’m not good enough’ weeds.”
Age 10: Executive Function Jumps
Planning and flexible thinking improve, but emotion regulation can lag (Harvard Center on the Developing Child, 2020).
Common behaviors: Friendship drama, avoidance of difficult tasks, private worry.
What helps: Collaborative problem-solving; help your child break tasks into manageable steps.
Glow Back Moment: Keep a “Brave Brain” list of challenges they’ve overcome.
Age 11: Hormonal Rollercoaster
Early puberty boosts limbic system activity, and prefrontal control lags (Casey et al., 2008).
Common behaviors: Emotional outbursts, eye-rolling, push-pull independence.
What helps: Normalize emotional intensity and offer calm, consistent boundaries.
Glow Back Moment: “Pause & Pick”—let your child choose a short reset or movement break.
Age 12: Social Ranking + Mood Swings
Puberty increases emotional reactivity; peer evaluation becomes neurologically urgent (Steinberg, 2014).
Common behaviors: Insecurity, withdrawal, heightened social anxiety.
What helps: Warmth combined with clear routines and boundaries; discreet support when needed.
Glow Back Moment: Use a code word to signal “I’m overwhelmed, please help.”
Age 13: Hyper-Aware of Judgment
The social brain peaks in sensitivity; embarrassment and withdrawal are common (Casey et al., 2008).
Common behaviors: Shutting down, one-word answers, defensiveness.
What helps: Listen non-reactively; avoid long lectures.
Glow Back Moment: “I get why that felt awful. I’m here when you want to talk.”
Age 14: Intensity + Incomplete Brakes
Limbic activity peaks while prefrontal control continues to develop (Johnson et al., 2009).
Common behaviors: Defensiveness, risk-taking, intense friendships.
What helps: Calm, consistent limits and safe independence opportunities.
Glow Back Moment: Introduce “Redo Moments”: “We can try that conversation again.”
Age 15: Synaptic Pruning + Identity
Pruning (the brain weeds out connections it does not use anymore) increases efficiency, but emotional sensitivity remains high (Arain et al., 2013).
Common behaviors: Self-comparison, emotional highs and lows, existential worries.
What helps: Validation, curiosity, narrative reframing.
Glow Back Moment: “Does this behavior align with your values as a person?”
Age 16: Competent…Until Overloaded
Executive functions improve, but stress can overwhelm regulation (Harvard Center on the Developing Child, 2020).
Common behaviors: Independence-seeking, internalized anxiety.
What helps: Collaborative decision-making; mentor, don’t micromanage.
Glow Back Moment: “You’re in the driver’s seat. Want a co-pilot while you think this through, or you want to figure it out alone?”
Age 17: Heavy Load
Adolescents juggle academics, identity, and relationships; regulation is still fragile under pressure (Steinberg, 2014).
Common behaviors: Fatigue, mood swings, inconsistent maturity.
What helps: Break large tasks into manageable pieces; normalize uncertainty.
Glow Back Moment: “Your brain is carrying a lot. Let’s lighten the load together.”
Age 18: Adult Body, Still-Developing Brain
The prefrontal cortex continues maturing into the mid-20s (Casey et al., 2008).
Common behaviors: Independence combined with sudden overwhelm.
What helps: Respect, scaffolding, collaborative problem-solving.
Glow Back Moment: “I trust you, and I’m here as backup anytime you need it.”
A Universal Reminder
Disrupted routines, overstimulation, and social pressures all challenge children’s nervous systems. What looks like misbehavior often signals overload (Perry & Winfrey, 2021). Prioritize connection before correction. A calm adult can regulate a child’s nervous system effectively.
Brain-Based Strategies
- Predictability: Maintain one daily anchor to stabilize emotions (Harvard Center on the Developing Child, 2020).
- Movement: Short walks, play, or dancing reduce stress (CDC, 2025).
- Downtime: Unstructured quiet time allows the brain to consolidate and self-regulate (Arain et al., 2013).
- Repair: Practice Glow Back Moments to rebuild connection after conflicts (Perry & Winfrey, 2021).
- Your calm counts: A regulated adult is the strongest tool for guiding children’s nervous systems.
