970x125
When couples set out to build a family, the dream is perfect and deeply personal. Needless to say, infertility, with its winding territory, is never part of the plan. It wreaks havoc.
When the Relationship Starts to Feel Different
As you reach round three and beyond of in-vitro fertilization (IVF), the toll on the relationship naturally begins to show. Perhaps one of the hardest to navigate is when a couple finds themselves wanting different things.
“It’s awful. We cannot agree on the smallest things. I’m afraid this will break us. I mean, I feel my resentment, and this is heading south, fast!” — Alexis*
For some, this signals the moment of wondering whether their marriage will pull through.
What Does Pop Culture Tell Us?
The message is quite clear: If you’re struggling, something has gone wrong with the partnership. If you could simply communicate better, become less defensive, or manage conflict more effectively, the relationship would improve.
Maybe that’s true. Maybe the way you’re processing needs help. But that can dog-pile more anxiety onto an already anxiety-ridden situation, as under stress, our emotional bandwidth for self-regulation narrows. The more reactive we are, the less able we are to access the relationship skills we normally use (Gottman & Gottman, 2015).
And perhaps the problem isn’t simply communication but that fear has quietly become the third person in the relationship.
The Hidden Role of Fear
Couples often believe they are fighting each other, when in reality they are both responding to a smorgasbord of fear:
- Fear of never becoming a parent
- Fear that your partner will leave because of infertility
- Fear that you’re letting your partner down
- Fear that you’re the “reason” this is happening
- Fear that every decision is the wrong one
- Fear that time is running out
- Fear of the financial consequences
When fear begins shaping the relationship, it’s easy to assume the relationship itself is failing.
A couple can feel disconnected and think: Maybe we’re just not right for each other anymore.
But what if there’s another way of understanding it? What if you’re not in the wrong relationship, but in a chapter that neither of you has ever navigated before?
“Multiple Marriages”
Esther Perel often says that most of us will have two or three marriages during our lifetime, and some of us will have them with the same person (Perel, 2017).
What she means is that as life changes, relationships have to change too. A relationship that worked before infertility or fertility treatment may not be the same relationship that carries you through it.
That does not mean the marriage is failing. It means the relationship has to adapt to the change to survive and thrive.
The task, then, isn’t to get back to how things used to be, but to create a relationship that fits the life the couple is now living.
This is what is meant by having more than one marriage with the same person.
Asking How Instead of Why
With that in mind, perhaps we’re asking the wrong question.
Instead of asking:
What’s wrong with me/my partner or our marriage?
Asking:
What is happening to us?
shifts from seeing one another as a problem to seeing what factors are influencing the relationship.
- How is uncertainty changing the way you talk to each other?
- How is shame changing your intimacy?
- How is fear changing the roles you each play?
- How is silence trying to protect you?
The goal isn’t to decide who is to blame for the communication breakdown, but to understand how infertility is changing your relationship so you can decide together which changes you want to keep and which ones you don’t. It’s your relationship, and you get to decide.
Building the Next Marriage
This is an image I often share with couples: Imagine a tree growing between you. Neither of you owns it. Neither of you is responsible for it alone. It needs time, attention, and effort from both of you. And when storms come, it needs protecting.
Infertility Essential Reads
Infertility is the storm. A failed cycle. A friend’s pregnancy announcement. A bill neither of you wants to open. The storm is not the tree.
This is more than just a metaphor. What affects one partner almost always affects the other. Infertility is something that happens to the relationship, not just to one person. Research shows that when couples see it as a shared challenge and face it together, they cope better both individually and as a couple (Bodenmann, 2005; Molgora et al., 2019).
So, instead of asking, Whose fault is this? you begin asking, What does our tree need right now?
Different Interactions, Different Marriage
Remember, this is not about recovering the old relationship but accommodating change to build a new version. That means practical behavior changes:
Perhaps one partner starts coming to appointments again, just so the other doesn’t walk in alone.
Or after a failed cycle, instead of disappearing into silence, a partner might reveal that they are also hurting and disappointed but are at a loss for words.
Sometimes instead of avoiding intimacy, one admits, “I hate the pressure to perform.”
Don’t leave another argument unfinished. Ask, “Can we try that conversation again?”
None of these moments change the outcome of treatment or what comes next. But paying attention to how infertility itself is affecting the relationship can help protect and strengthen it.
The Reframe
Shift from What’s wrong with us? to What are we protecting?
With this as the central question, shame and the burden of blame soften, and a lot of couples stop seeing conflict and stress as evidence that they are failing.
And this is not wishful thinking. Research suggests this shift matters. In one large study of couples going through fertility treatment, some said the experience had actually brought them closer together (Schmidt et al., 2005). The difference wasn’t simply whether treatment worked. It was also how couples responded to it. Those who talked openly, shared their feelings, and found meaning in the experience coped better than those who withdrew, kept it secret, or avoided talking about it.
So, perhaps you are not the problem. Perhaps infertility is.
Or perhaps the real question is not what infertility takes from a relationship but what the two of you choose to protect through it.
*Name and identifying details changed.
