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Five of the most hurtful events in our intimate relationships are criticism, active disassociation, passive disassociation, infidelity, and deception. Infidelity, in particular, can create intense emotional distress, including depression, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, and trauma. Infidelity is essentially a behavior by one partner that breaks a contract that two people have with each other.
In a large study conducted by Elizabeth S. Allen and David C. Atkins in the Journal of Family Issues in 2012, they found, with large representative samples, that 34 percent of men and 19 percent of women had extramarital sex at some point, and within that sample, they acknowledged that it is probably slightly underreported and that the statistics do not include emotional affairs, which can be just as hurtful.
After an affair is disclosed to a partner, couples can experience a wave of emotional reactions from intense anger and betrayal to chaos and confusion to acceptance and grief. One of the most painful questions that individuals can ruminate over is, “Why did they cheat?” There are many reasons and theories as to why individuals cheat, such as attachment issues, personality traits of the cheater, or a societal adaptation for unmet needs.
Despite how upsetting and destructive infidelity is, relationship therapist Esther Perel reminds us that affairs can also reshape our relationships by revealing those unfulfilled needs and can create new conversations that bring more desire and intimacy into the relationship.
The five films below explore some common reasons for betrayal.
The Ice Storm (1997): Ang Lee brilliantly captures 1970s suburban life in this drama based on Rick Moody’s novel. Two Connecticut families (starring Sigourney Weaver and Kevin Kline) approach affairs more as an existential crisis than out of love or even desire. The cheating is more about dissociation and numbing out, as a chilly, metaphorical ice storm covers the neighborhood. Their affairs turn out to be a destructive and devastating escape from emotional disconnection.
Unfaithful (2002): In this thriller, Connie Sumner (Diane Lane) seeks aliveness, thrill, and excitement in her relatively stable 11-year marriage with Edward (Richard Gere). Her affair is impulsive, and she immediately regrets it afterward. However, her marriage no longer gives her the dopamine and adrenaline rush that the young, handsome bookseller Paul (Olivier Martinez) does. Connie chases desire, but the thrill comes at a serious cost to her home life. Connie begins to spiral into jealousy, rage, guilt, and eventually violence.
Closer (2004): Adapted from Patrick Marber’s play, this film can be divisive for the audience because it peels back every layer of the onion, so to speak. Dan (Jude Law), who seems to only want what is always out of reach instead of what he has, and Anna (Julia Roberts), who has unresolved feelings for Dan, have an affair that sets off an entire cycle of intense emotional reactions for them and those they betray (Natalie Portman and Clive Owen). Instead of moving forward, each partner tries to pick apart every tiny detail on when, where, why, how, and what so that repair seems impossible.
Crazy Stupid Love (2011): In this romantic comedy, the affair is not so much a destroyer as an awakener. Emily (Julianne Moore) cheats on her husband, Cal (Steve Carell), because her needs have gone unmet for so long. After dating and rediscovering, with the help of Jacob (Ryan Gosling), who he is, Cal realizes he took Emily for granted for years in their marriage. Unlike the other films, this one ends with Cal and Emily reconciling.
The Other Woman (2014): In this hilarious comedy, the husband (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is a serial cheater and womanizer. He has narcissistic personality traits and uses gaslighting and lying to cover his actions. He has multiple girlfriends, but what is so fun (and funny) about this film is that two of his mistresses (Cameron Diaz and Kate Upton) and his wife (Leslie Mann) team up, turn their grief into action, and focus on repairing by moving on in female solidarity.
