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Maybe you’re one of those people with a short fuse. It doesn’t take much to set you off, to go from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat, or even to lash out and blame others. Or, no, you’re at the other end of the spectrum, holding your emotions in or pushing them away through rationalization or self-blame. As Goldilocks discovered, there is a middle ground that is just right, and it is the key to being a responsible adult.
Anatomy of running too hot.
Yes, it starts with your parents and upbringing. If you grew up with emotionally volatile parents—or a parent—full of anger, anxiety, or emotions that shifted like the weather, there’s a good chance their behaviors were imprinted on you. Often, what seems like anger is actually anxiety. They, and now you, may be hypervigilant—always on guard, always looking around corners, with short fuses primed by an unstable or abusive environment, leading to overreactions to things others can take in stride.
Or, more rarely, it’s less about anxiety and more about power, narcissism, and a lack of empathy: the bully who learned to treat others as objects to never trust, manipulate, and run over. But inborn temperament is also part of the equation. Some children are naturally more energetic or willful, no doubt fueled by their environment, including bouncing off siblings, and by genetic wiring.
Anatomy of running too cold.
Here, too, the environment plays its part. If your temperament is more muted, if you’re naturally shy or slow to warm, and you’re living with parents who are the same, you can, again naturally, copy them. And if they are volatile and you’re anxious, your hypervigilance leads you not to strike out like them but to duck and cover, retreating to your room, walking on eggshells, being good, and holding back your emotions because you sense it’s never safe enough to show them.
Whatever combination is at play, the coping skills you developed as a child can carry over into your adulthood. You don’t turn off your hypervigilance. You still look around corners or walk on eggshells, and you still feel threatened quickly, either blaming or pushing back.
How do you reach that sweet spot, the adult middle? Here are some starting points.
Recognize that you are in charge of your emotions.
This sounds commonsensical, but folks who run hot often readily blame others for making them angry. Because others are the cause, they’re the ones who need to change, which justifies retaliation. But being an adult means taking responsibility for your reactions, and that responsibility begins with believing you’re in charge of yourself.
Recognize that your emotions stem from your beliefs and the story you tell yourself.
Emotions don’t just erupt on their own, though it often feels that way. What shapes emotions are the beliefs or stories you tell yourself about what just happened. If you believe, for example, that the other person is out to get you rather than having a hard day, you will be propelled into anger or anxiety. If you are self-critical and automatically blame yourself for what unfolds, you will suppress your feelings and accommodate. By changing the story or belief, you can change your reaction.
Slow down and step back.
But changing the story takes self-awareness, and self-awareness usually requires slowing down. This is where counting to 10 or even 100 is not a bad idea. It creates a space between what the other person does and your reaction; you can avoid going on autopilot, step back mentally to identify the belief, and take time to choose a different response.
If you flare quickly, going from 0 to 60 in a flash, you need to rewire your brain to detect rising anger or anxiety before it becomes explosive or overwhelming. To do this, check in with yourself periodically throughout the day and simply ask how you are feeling. At the earliest signs of irritability or anxiety—at a three or four on a 10-point scale—take action by either tackling the problem at hand or using techniques such as deep breathing to reduce your anger or anxiety.
Practice using emotions as information.
Anger tells you about something you need, not something to spray around the room or use to attack others. Anxiety tells you about a problem you need to solve now, or about something that is not a real problem at all but simply a rabbit-hole overreaction. The goal is not to be emotionless but to use emotions as information about unmet needs and unsolved problems.
Practice seeing others as struggling rather than malicious.
Just as a good parent recognizes that a defiant toddler is tired and cranky rather than oppositional and willful, you can also shift the lens through which you view others and their behavior. Again, this is about changing the story, replacing it with one in which others are generally doing the best they can, and their negative behavior is less about you and more about an internal struggle. Focus on yourself, and, like a good parent to a toddler, be generous and even compassionate. This does not mean you tolerate abuse, but when possible, you offer support rather than retaliation.
We all have coping skills learned in childhood that helped us survive. But like outdated software on a computer, much of it no longer works in the more complex, larger world of adulthood. The challenge is to upgrade the software. The time to start may be now.
