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Adult and senior twins often experience an extension of the emotional separation problems they first encountered (non-verbally, and perhaps even crying) when they entered this world. Slowly, as they mature, twins learn to survive alone, with their twin being away from their side and sometimes even out of sight.
While twins of all ages out of necessity have learned so many ways to cope without their twin’s presence and their reactions, adulthood creates new twin issues with emotional and physical separation that can be intense and overwhelming. Facing new people and explaining who you are and what your interest is in meeting with them can very often create serious anxiety and feelings of not fitting in with non-twins. In my own experiences and my professional relationships with twins, the majority of twins are used to being understood without very much feedback or information from their co-twin. Feeling like a misfit with new acquaintances happens because of the easy access to misunderstandings. In other words, separated twins expect others to communicate like their co-twin.
The Need for Emotional Closeness and Understanding Is Crucial for Twins
The basis of the twin relationship is sharing experiences, thoughts, and feelings. Understandably, twins easily “get” what their twin is trying to say. I can repeat countless examples of this phenomenon, which I will share with you now.
I say to my twin Marjorie, “Mom had a bad shopping day.” I don’t have to say, “She will be in a terrible mood tonight,” as this is understood. Or, “The new puppy jumped the fence and a stranger took her home with him while she was chasing a cat.” I know that we both could repeat in unison, “Keep the gate locked at all times and the puppy away from the fence.”
As a general statement, I believe that twins feel like social misfits in the world of non-twins. Twins are so often misunderstood because non-twins do not quickly get the answers or responses that their twin would give them. Why instant rapport is so important is hard for non-twins to comprehend. On the other hand, it is hard for twins to give up (or forget) the quick reactions from their co-twin that make me or you so uncomfortable. “You look fat in that outfit,” is something my sister would say to me. I know she would not be so rude to anyone at Stanford where she was teaching rhetoric.
I have observed when working with groups of twins that getting enough instant understanding is the hardest social problem they have to contend with on a day-to-day level. Identity criticism is taken too seriously, and twins are critical with too much confidence or certainty that they are absolutely correct. Parents who separate and introduce their children to unknown people without their co-twin at hand will have twins with fewer problems fitting in. As well, teach your children that harsh statements hurt other people even if they are informative. Things can always be said a little differently. You can be far more candid with your twin than with a new friend.
Explaining Your Thoughts and Feelings to Non-Twins
“What in the world are you talking about?” This question is commonly used by non-twins when their new twin friends start talking about a unique experience with their co-twin. For example, I was trying to explain to a new friend how my twin sister believed that my clothes were her clothes. We were 40 years old and free admittance to my closet was allowed, but not necessarily encouraged. It was hard to explain my position to my new friend and she thought that I was crazy, or permissive, or so well-off I did not mind giving my new possessions away. The truth is, I thought I had to do it.
Of course, after a lifetime of sharing I was just used to sharing, even in middle age. I know twins who are reading this article will understand my inclination and ability to share. Other non-twins will be confused, some seriously. Hopefully, a few close non-twins will understand. When other people do not treat you as a social misfit, your life struggles communicating with the world in general become easier.
Expectable and Common Social Misfit Experiences
There are of course other ways that twins will have to face their social limitations or awkwardness. Twins who have to deal with their twin brother or sister’s boyfriend or girlfriend and their immediate families often suffer from social confusion. This particular feeling of being a misfit with others who are close to my or your co-twin has happened to me over and over again. As I had more separate experiences and found my own friends, the feeling that I did not belong and that I was “strange and out of place” grew less frequent and less intense.
Understanding Twins Essential Reads
Brand-New Situations Without Your Twin
Even when serious effort has been made to separate twins with experiences that they are interested in without their co-twin (such as their own friends and school or camp experiences), new situations alone without your twin can be emotionally trying. I remember when my sister went to Europe with her new husband and I went to Los Angeles with my husband, it was so strange to go to a party without Marjorie. I had been to a lot of parties on my own at UC Berkeley and really did not mind Marjorie being at a different party. But maybe at the time I felt out of place because Marjorie was with new friends in a distant country. I felt alienated from the other guests at the party and they were not interested in me.
Conclusions
Social development for twins is very different than social development for single infants and children. Sharing parents and relatives, home life, toys, clothes, and activities creates an intense closeness and expectations for harmony and easy understanding from new individuals who become a part of their lives. Confusion with new friends (most likely communication confusion) creates disappointment in other people and a sense of being a misfit for a twin. Careful attention to issues that arise when twins are in new social situations is extremely important. If twins are together too much, they can learn to “help” their co-twin too much and this creates dependency. More simply stated, distance is crucial in the individual development of twins.
Suggestions
1. Call your children by their first names, such as Barbara and Marjorie. Don’t call them “the twins” (it’s not always so easy).
2. Help your children develop new interests that are different, perhaps very different.
3. Explain twin relationships in terms that your children can comprehend.
4. Spend regular time alone with each of your twin children. Encourage others who are close to your family to do the same.
