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For nearly 15 years, I drove across town to see my doctor.
When I learned I was HIV positive after getting tested in 2009, I wanted to go to a clinic as far away from where I lived as possible. I felt so much shame, I didn’t want to risk running into anyone I knew.
Even though the clinic was almost an hour from where I lived without traffic, I got in my car and drove across town. Every time I got blood work or needed to see my medical provider for a regular check-up, I made the same drive.
What’s more, I never really felt like my provider was on my side. Like being in a relationship with someone who tolerates you, but doesn’t genuinely have your best interests in mind.
My first doctor after I was diagnosed was on my side. She immediately jumped in and told me everything we needed to do to get me treatment and my T-cell count to a healthy level so I could become undetectable. But for the past seven years, since my doctor retired, I’d been seeing someone I genuinely didn’t think was on my side. She would sometimes hurry me through our appointments or wonder what I was even there for. I’ve wanted to see a gay male doctor for a long time, but didn’t feel comfortable asking.
When I was home for the holidays this year, one of the shows my mom and I love is called Nobody Wants This. During one of the episodes, the Rabbi, played by Adam Brody, says to his friend, “Be worthy of the relationship you want.” I immediately grabbed my phone to write it down in my notes for a book I’ve been working on for gay men about worth.
It helped me realize the relationship I had with my medical provider was unhealthy. I wasn’t getting my needs met; we didn’t communicate; I felt unsupported, but that was what I felt I deserved on an unconscious level. After my last visit with my previous doctor, I decided I wanted to change providers. I specifically asked for a gay male doctor in my neighborhood. I had my first visit with him recently, and the office was only 10 minutes from my house. With traffic!
It was one of the most incredible experiences I’ve had in healthcare. He sat down with me, and we reviewed all my concerns, my medications, and my chart. He even provided me with education on things I didn’t know about, as it relates to men’s health, medication, and HIV. One of the things I had mentioned to my previous provider was concerns about my increased weight. I had weighed 175 to 178 my entire life, and around 2023, I started gaining weight. At my most recent visit, I weighed 209 — the most I’ve ever weighed. I’ve always had body image challenges, but going from 178 in 2023 to 209 in 2025 was a pretty significant increase.
My new doctor normalized my experience and educated me on different HIV medications associated with weight gain, the one my old provider talked me into, but never mentioned the side effects. I’m not by any means blaming my previous provider, but we have a relationship with everything — food, money, sex, and people, including our health care providers. Taking full responsibility for myself was self-advocacy and being able to address some of my health concerns. My doctor looked at me and assured me, “Let’s get you back to your weight.” I felt seen and heard, and for the first time in a long time, like my needs actually mattered.
I left the office and immediately called my mom, who has faced numerous health challenges in her life and has had to self-advocate many times before. She’s quite familiar with medical providers, and I’ve always admired the medical support she receives and her relationships with her doctors. I knew she’d understand. I told her my appointment with my new doctor felt like finding the perfect suit or getting a new car. It was safe, comfortable, supportive, and put me at ease. It also contributed to my sense of self-worth.
Many of my own clients talk to me about staying in situations, whether a job, a living situation, or a relationship, that they aren’t satisfied with. One of the most common patterns I see is the gap between what gay men say they want and the decisions they actually make. We learned very early on to suppress our wants and needs, and so it makes sense that many of us question whether it’s okay to ask for them, let alone believe we’re worthy and deserving of having them met.
I wondered how many of us are still metaphorically driving out of our way across town for something we don’t even feel good about. How many relationships — whether with friends, jobs, roommates, partners, medical providers, or even our own therapists — we’re staying in because we’ve unconsciously believed it’s what we deserve.
