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You’ve gone on a few dates with someone new and you’re feeling excited. You’ve never felt so in sync with someone but you can’t shake this feeling that it’s too good to be true. It feels like your dream relationship is coming to life so you try to quiet that nagging voice deep down inside telling you that something doesn’t feel right. What if the affection you’re receiving isn’t the beginning stages of genuine love, but a tactic of control?
What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing refers to a pattern of behavior that involves giving excessive attention and affection to another person at a rate that is disproportionate to the current stage of the romantic relationship in an attempt to manipulate that person into commitment quickly.
Why People Use Love Bombing
Research has demonstrated that love-bombing is correlated with individuals who exhibit narcissistic tendencies, have an insecure attachment style, or low self-esteem.
Love Bombing Due to Narcissism
Love bombing is a hallmark behavior of those with narcissistic personality disorder or those who have narcissistic traits. Love bombing is a tactic that narcissists use in an effort to maintain control in the relationship. Once you are fully invested in the relationship, your partner’s true colors start to show as they can only keep up the façade for so long.
What’s going on in their mind?
Love bombers who are either narcissistic or have narcissistic traits will often exhibit a pattern of love bombing behavior that begins with idealization and includes grand romantic gestures as well as excessive praise, then moves into the devaluation phase during which they begin to become critical and withdraw their affection intermittently in order to maintain control within the relationship and keep their partner compliant.
Love Bombing Due to Insecure Attachment Style
Those who have an insecure attachment style such as anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant may engage in love bombing due to a desire to quickly bond with the other person and not necessarily with intentions to control or devalue the other person over time.
What’s going on in their mind?
Those who are anxiously attached highly value intimacy and closeness, so it makes sense that someone with this attachment style would engage in love bombing behavior in an effort to increase closeness. Similarly, fearful-avoidant and avoidant attached individuals tend to initially become fully invested in their partner and may even commit quickly to them then begin to withdraw or pull away when the fear of closeness starts to kick in, which is something they may not even be consciously aware of.
10 Real-Life Love Bombing Examples
1. They tell you they love you after the second date.
Expressing affection to this degree early on is typically an attempt to speed up the dating process so that you will commit to exclusivity quickly.
2. They tell you within the first few weeks of dating, “I can’t wait to have a family with you.”
Future faking can be a form of love bombing that involves discussing future plans prematurely. It is often used as a tactic to lure you into a false sense of security and speed up the relationship progression while there may not be any intention to follow through with these false promises once you’re committed to the relationship.
3. They take you on a spontaneous vacation to Europe within the first month of dating.
Love bombing typically includes grand romantic gestures such as whisking you away on a spontaneous vacation or buying you lavish gifts soon after meeting. The goal is to get you to fall hard and fast for the other person by creating a fantasy about what a relationship with them would look like.
Love Bombing Essential Reads
4. They tell you “You’re perfect and no one else can compare” after a few dates.
The issue with these sorts of statements isn’t necessarily what is being said but when the statements are being said. When used early on, these sorts of statements are meant to encourage the other person to return the sentiment so that the relationship can progress at a faster pace.
5. They pressure you to move in together within the first 3 months of dating.
The primary goal a love bomber has is to lock you in and speed up the relationship process. One of the ways to do so is to propose moving in together early on.
6. They tell you “My life would feel meaningless without you” during the first few weeks of meeting.
This sort of statement may initially feel romantic, but upon closer inspection it is often a way that love bombers put pressure on the other person to draw them in closer and convince them of their feelings.
7. They demand exclusivity early on.
At first a love bomber’s actions may be perceived as romantic and refreshing, particularly if they are expressing a desire early on to commit to you, which may feel contrary to the modern dating culture.
However, a love bomber will not only express a desire for exclusivity but manipulate you into it by refusing to slow down their pace, issuing ultimatums, or trying to make you jealous if they sense you are not on the same page as they are about exclusivity.
8. They agree with all of your preferences, interests, and opinions.
Mirroring is a form of manipulation that love bombers use to mimic your interests and core values in order to create the illusion of compatibility.
Many relationships have common interests and shared core values, however rather than allowing the discovery of these shared interests to be an organic process, love bombers often use mirroring as a tactic to increase trust and deepen the emotional bond quickly by saying what they think you want to hear.
9. They initially dominate most of your free time and/or expect to be in frequent contact with you early on, leaving little space for other relationships and activities in your life.
Love bombers may initially overwhelm you with excessive attention and expectations of constant contact, which may leave minimal room for investing energy in other areas of your life. When you’re spending time with friends or on activities you enjoy, the love bomber may overwhelm you with frequent text messages and phone calls.
This behavior serves two main purposes for the love bomber: First, it increases the likelihood that you will become prematurely attached to them, and, second, the amount of time and energy required to maintain the relationship may cause you to become isolated from family and friends so that if they do express concern about your partner, it will be more difficult for you to leave the relationship once you are heavily invested.
10. They push or test your boundaries early on.
Since love bombers tend to move at a fast pace, they will often become defensive or try to make you feel guilty if you attempt to set a boundary that slows down the pace of the relationship. For example, you may not feel comfortable with them coming to your place yet after a few dates. A love bomber may respond by dropping by unannounced with a gift to surprise you, which is a way to test your boundaries disguised as a romantic gesture.
A version of this post was published on Headway.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to substitute professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or another qualified health provider with questions regarding your condition or well-being.
