970x125
When people hear that I’m an ethicist, they often present me with a scenario and ask, “What should I do?” This is a mistake for two reasons. First, you don’t want me – or anyone else – to make decisions for you. Second, you don’t actually want to be told what to do – even by yourself. What you really want is to be motivated to act based on what you truly care about.
Thinking About Ethics Differently
We tend to think that ethics, like law or medicine, can provide correct answers to difficult questions. An ethicist is, therefore, an expert who can come in, assess the situation, and tell us what is right or wrong, or good or bad.
This makes sense when you think about the ways we typically use specialists. Lawyers know the law and doctors know medicine. They ask our input, but we need their guidance on what we should do. Yet, if an ethicist walks into a room and says, “I know what you should do. Just listen to me,” most of us would immediately resist.
Unlike medicine or law, ethics is personal. It’s how we relate to each other and the world around us. By delegating our decision-making to someone else, we give away our autonomy and agency as moral beings. Moreover, when you ask the ethicist what to do, you risk the “moral specialist” imposing their own views, beliefs, and values onto you, rather than trying to see the world and your decision through your own eyes.
Instead of applying objective moral rules, it would be more productive to think of ethics in the original way that philosophers thought of it: as a way to reflect on how we can live our best lives and how we can shape our communities to assist us in developing skills and perspectives to thrive or flourish.
We would then frame ethical decisions thinking about how life is composed, not only of our actions, but also by our intentions and motivations, the consequences of our actions, and how our actions become habits that shape our sense of identity and purpose.
From Should to Want
Even when we say to ourselves, “you should do this,” it typically feels like we are imposing some external pressure on ourselves. Coercion often leads to reactance (that rebellious feeling we get when experiencing a threat to or loss of freedom), even when we are “forcing” ourselves. So, why would we ever want to frame our decisions in ways that make it more difficult to follow through?
This is not to say that we do whatever we want at first blush. Rather, it means that it would be better motivationally speaking – let alone being more aligned with our goals and values – to frame the question of what to do based on our own desire to live up to the people we aspire to be.
Therefore, when someone asks me, “What should I do?” I take them through a four-question process. My immediate response is, “What do you want to do?” This could seem paradoxical, since they asked me for advice, but “should” and “want” are very different starting points. Asking them what they want to do is the first step of self-reflection. It gives a chance to explore their strongest or most immediate motivations.
My second question is always, “Is that what you want to want?” This is not to get them to say what I want to hear. It asks them to consider why they are conflicted. People oftentimes want to react in a certain way and wish they would want to respond differently.
After prioritizing conflicting wants, I ask, “What does this internal conflict and what you prioritized tell you about yourself?” Here, the question turns moral decision-making from being compliance-oriented to being about self-identity. It allows us to see our choices as expressions of who we are and want to be. It asks us to show what we prioritize through the choices that we make.
However, to confirm the choice as the best fitting one, I ask one last question: “Does your decision reflect the person you want to be?” This question makes sure that we don’t choose only based on how we currently see ourselves; we also choose based on how we want to see ourselves.
These questions turn our moral challenges – and life in general – from being isolated moments to part of a larger process of becoming. Together, they allow us to see how choices we make reinforce a pattern, shape habits, and contribute to our identity over time.
Questions Frame Answers
“What should I do?” sounds like the right question, but it assumes that there is a right answer that works for everyone and once we know it, we will act accordingly. It also frames our decisions as fulfilling obligations.
“What do I want?” and “Who do I want to be?” are harder questions to work through, since the answer isn’t the same for everyone. We can’t just follow someone else. We need to self-reflect and lead our own lives. Moreover, two people can look at the same situation and make different decisions. This doesn’t mean that everything is relative. It means that even when people share similar values, they may nevertheless prioritize them differently.
Ethics is not just about knowing the right decision. It is about learning how to live in a way that reflects what we value most. “What should I do?” may give you an answer. “What do I care about?” gives you a reason to act. In the end, it is doing what we want to do that changes how we live.
